The Martian and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox
Directed by Ridley Scott
Oh yay! Another Ridley Scott film, because the last one was so good. Well despite his shaky track record as of late, there’s no denying that the man is one of our greatest living directors and a movie like this is right in his wheelhouse while also being an original science fiction property as opposed to going back to the Alien well. Can he manage to make a great movie with so many excellent resources at his disposal, or will he still manage to screw it up like he did with Exodus and Robin Hood? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) who is part of the Ares III manned mission to Mars. While on the planet’s surface, the crew gets word of a big ass storm coming their way so they have to leave the mission early, and by early I mean RIGHT THE FRAK NOW!! Apparently they didn’t see it coming until five minutes before it hits. The astronauts on the planet (including Mark) try to make it to their recon ship in the midst of the downpour of… whatever the hell it is Mars starts raining down in a storm (rocks I think).
“I think I’ve got a rock in my shoe.” “DEAL WITH IT!!!”
Sicario and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate
Directed by Denis Villeneuve
Isn’t it great to that we start getting GOOD movies again? I mean sure, Black Mass had its problems but compared to some of the crap I had to sit through in the last two months, it was practically Kubrick. Now we’re getting this movie AND The Martian in the same week without a single bible thumping propaganda piece in sight! Does this tale about government agencies working against the Cartel manage to be one of the better films of the year, or is a disappointing procedural that will get lost in the shuffle by the time the Oscars roll around? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about Kate Macer (Emily Blunt) who’s head of some sort of tactical response team in the FBI stumbles across a horrifying crime scene during one of her missions where the Cartel has apparently been burying people they kill in the walls of the building. Okay… well it gets even worse when the team accidently sets off a trap bomb that may have killed any remaining hostages that the team thought were on the premises. Despite the awful day she had, the silver lining comes in when she catches the attention of Matt Graver (Josh Brolin) who offers her a chance to work with him on more direct missions against the Cartel. She agrees to go with him and meets with Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) who’s a complete mystery and may not even be working for the United States in any sort of official capacity. Still, he proves to be very effective in the line of duty as he and Matt (along with Kate who’s still adjusting to their methods) work on operations that will definitely cut the Cartel’s legs out from under them. Still, she has her reservations to the actions they take and once her partner from the tactical response team Reggie Wayne (Daniel Kaluuya) gets in on it to, it’s clear that her conscious is getting the better of her and that Matt and Alejandro aren’t exactly who they seem to be. Will Kate decide that their methods, while unorthodox, are necessary for the war they’re trying to fight, or will she not allow herself to go through the mental hoops necessary to somehow justify their actions and her own?
“Maybe we shouldn’t be rolling into foreign countries to take their citizens while carrying high powered weaponry. Then again, SCREW THESE CARTEL ASSHOLES!! BANG BANG BANG!!!”
The Green Inferno and the slightly edited poster in this review are owned by Universal Pictures
Directed by Eli Roth
Green Inferno may be the worst movie that I have ever seen in my life. I’m never felt so emotionally drained and damaged coming out of a movie. I don’t know who the target audience is for this movie, but I do hope that they don’t like this movie either because I just can’t see the appeal of this outside of some really cynical theories. Is it that people just want blood and guts? Well I like blood and guts too, but I certainly didn’t like it in here. Is it the fact that everyone in the movie is either a terrified victim or an irredeemable monster? I’ve seen lots of horror movies where that’s the case, and while I think the genre needs to outgrow that dynamic (it’s boring more than anything else) it was done to a level here that feels damn near pornographic or, perhaps more appropriately, sadistic.
I regret that tweet a bit. I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.
Hotel Transylvania 2 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures
Directed by Genndy Tartakovsky
Does anyone else remember just how amazing it was that the first movie was in fact as good as it was? The movie had been in production since 2006 and had five directors attached to it before finally settling on Genndy Tartakovsky who by all means is an accomplished animator but had never directed a feature film. Not only that, but Adam Sandler was (and continues to be) a joke for a lot of people and his movie in the last decade or so have been absolutely abysmal. Despite all that, Hotel Transylvania was not only good but one of the best animated films in a long time. Now it’s time for Sony to start franchising this sucker with a sequel, but they seem to be doing it the right way by not only getting back the original director but the same writers as well. Will this somehow manage to be one of the few animated sequels to be just as good if not better than the original, or will they throw out everything that was great about the first film just to milk a couple more dollars out of this series? Let’s find out!!
After the events of the first movie, Mavis and Jonathan (Selena Gomez and Andy Samberg) start dating and eventually get married in the titular hotel. Their whirlwind love affair eventually leads to her getting pregnant and giving birth to their son Dennis whom Dracula (Adam Sandler) starts to obsess over because now he has a new outlet for the overprotective behavior he struggled to overcome in the last film. Unfortunately, like in the first movie, there comes a point where his paternal usefulness may be coming to an end with Mavis thinking that it may be too dangerous for them to stay at the hotel since young Dennis has yet to show any signs of being anything other than human, and in the Lore of this universe if he doesn’t show any signs by his fifth birthday (which is rapidly approaching), he’ll be a human forever. Dracula, being the crafty bastard that is, enlists Jonathan’s help (who wants to stay at the hotel) to keep Mavis distracted while he and his friends try to force the vampirism into his grandson by taking him on the night of professional scaring. I wouldn’t think that biology could be affected by cultural immersion but whatever. So Jonathan and Mavis are off to visit his family in California for some marital R&R (and to see if the place would be a good fit for their family), while the old school monsters are trying their best to not only get this kid to grow his fangs but to recapture a bit of their youthful exuberance as they revisit their familiar haunts from when they were the scourge of humanity which may be a bit more difficult than they were expecting now the humans have learned about monsters and are (tentatively) accepting them.
90 Minutes in Heaven and all the images you see in this review are owned by Samuel Goldwyn Films
Directed by Michael Polish
Do we really need another one these? I mean War Room came out less than a month ago! How much must I suffer for my work!? Ugh, well at least this one has actual actors in it what with Hayden Christensen, Kate Bosworth, and even Fred “not President” Thompson being present and accounted for. Is it possible that this movie is better than the last overly Christian movie I had to sit through? Well probably yes considering how unforgivably awful War Room was, but then again we should never believe that we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. Anyway, let’s find out!!
The movie is about Don Piper (Hayden Christensen) who is a small town pastor in 1989 Texas with the perfect kids, the perfect wife, and the perfect life. On his way home from a seminar, God shows the wholesome bastard what he thinks about his oh so idyllic life and sends a fucking semi to teach his sorry ass a lesson. The pastor is pronounced dead once the paramedics take a single look at the metal heap (I think they check his pulse, but they’re doing so from outside a crushed car and they only check his carotid), but this one dude just roles up on the scene and decides to pray for the man who just died which apparently involves him climbing into the car, putting his hand on his shoulder, and singing a hymn on top of whatever prayer he felt appropriate for the situation. The dulcet tones of the passerby seem to rouse the dead man from his eternal slumber as he starts to very weakly sing along. Now that it’s clear that the man is not as dead as he could be, can he still be saved despite the massive injuries he incurred? How will his family cope with the tragedy thrust upon them as well as the inevitable financial fallout? Did something happen to Don while he was dead that’s probably spoiled in the title!?
“In Heaven, they were going to let me star in Star Wars episode seven. In fact, we can ALL star in Star Wars episode seven!”
The Perfect Guy and all the images you see in this review are owned by Screen Gems
Directed by David M Rosenthal
When a movie comes out the same week as another possible Shyamalan disaster and another Christian film to add to the catalog of faith based cinema, it’s pretty easy to get lost in the shuffle. Yet somehow, The Perfect Guy managed to not only bump the new releases out of the top spot but also overcame the smash hit of the season (Straight Outta Compton) and the flash in the pan garbage of the moment (War Room). Is this movie a surprise gem in a very uneven post summer season, or will this turn out to be another inexplicable hit that everyone forgets about once it drops away in a week or two? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about a highly successfully lobbyist named Leah (Sanaa Lathan) who’s got the perfect life with the perfect guy (though not the titular Perfect Guy) in the form of David (Morris Chestnut). Despite outward appearance though, the couple are having difficulties behind the scenes because David just isn’t ready to get married and have kids while Leah getting more and more nervous about waiting until he’s ready which seems less and less likely to happen as the days go buy. The couple end up splitting because of this and Leah is completely distraught and just throws herself in her work to try and forget the [breakup]. Will she ever find love again? Well yes, because this one guy named Malcolm (Michael Ealy) swoops into her life and is just too good to be true! I mean, anyone else wouldn’t have picked up on a whole lot of warning sign beforehand, but she’s just happy to have someone [be nice to her] and she goes along with it. Bad call because once she does see the creeps true nature (he mercilessly beats the shit out of some guy for dubious reasons), she tries to end it and Malcom just isn’t hearing it. Things continue to escalate as he begins stalking her and taking more and more drastic actions to get or attention which is throwing everything in her life into disarray. Can the police and her own support network shield her from his attempts to sabotage her life? Will she be forced to take matters into her own hands to stop this creep? Isn’t this just a gender swapped version of that Idris Elba and Beyoncé movie!?
The Visit and all the images you see in this review are owned byUniversal Pictures
Directed by M Night Shyamalan
Oh good god, we have another M Night Shyamalan movie! After the travesty of… well everything after Signs, you’d think that he’d no longer be a big name director in Hollywood. Still, people kept giving him projects and he kept making terrible movies, culminating with the utter disaster that was After Earth. It seems though that he’s finally had to step down somewhat and has now released a low budget film with barely any recognizable actors and found footage gimmick. Will getting back to basics be exactly what this filmmaker needs to get his directing chops back, or is it too late for the man who could have been one the great auteurs of our time? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about Becca and Tyler (played by Olivia DeJonge and Ed Oxenbould), who are on a trip to see their grandparents. Their mother (Kathryn Hahn) had left things on pretty bad terms when she ran away to be with the man who would end up being the kids’ father, and she hasn’t spoken to them since then. Only recently did they get back in contact with their daughter and would like to have their grandchildren come visit them some time. An opportunity presents itself where the mother would need someone to look after the kids for a week, so she decides to let the kids go see them. The reason for the found footage approach with this film is that Becca is a filmmaker in her own right and wants to make a documentary of their trip to their grandparents house to not only go for an Oscar, but to show the footage to her mother to help her get over whatever it was that kept her away from her parents for so long. Of course, once they get to the grandparents’ house, things slowly start to get out of hand as both of them seem to exhibit strange and occasionally dangerous behaviors. Are these two the victims of some sort of degenerative neurological disease, or is there something more sinister at play?
“Oh don’t mind Granny. She just get possessed by Pazuzu everyone once in a while.”
The Transporter Refueled and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp
Directed by Camille Delamarre
So which one was it? Did Jason Statham become too expensive, or was Luc Besson too cheap to get him back? Well either way, we’ve got a brand new Transporter film in theaters with a much more affordable actor in the title role. Now this isn’t the first time the character has been portrayed by someone other than Jason Statham, what with a TV series that as far as I can tell is still being made, but instead of making a continuation of that series they decided to reboot the whole thing and have this be its own independent venture. Will they succeed in making The Transporter a household name for action films, or with this turn out to be yet another failure to revive a (presumably) beloved character on the big screen? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about The Transporter (Ed Skrein) who is a dude that handles his jobs like a pragmatic hooker. No names, no backstory, and every move is agreed upon ahead of time. While we don’t see him on a job before the plot of the movie kicks in, it’s clear that he’s a driver for whoever the hell needs his services. Politicians, celebrities, bank robbers, you name it. I wonder if he ever helped someone who committed a premeditated murder. Anyway, on top of being the best British driver in all of Europe (the movie takes place in France despite all the cars having their driver’s seat on the left side) he can also kick massive amounts of ass as he proves to us in the opening scene where a bunch of thugs try to strip his car. One question: After this dude in a suit manages to beat seven of your buddies to the curb, why do you think YOU will be the one to take him down? Sorry. I keep getting distracted here. The movie ACTUALLY begins in 1995 with a bunch of gangsters shooting up a bunch of prostitutes and pimps on a corner so that they can put their OWN working girls on that corner. That seems like A LOT of trouble to go through just for street hookers, but maybe they didn’t have escort services back then. After THAT scene, we jump ahead to the aforementioned beat down of the street thugs who piss off The Transporter which causes him to be late in picking up his dad (Ray Stevenson) who’s retiring from MI6 or whatever.
GOD DAMN!! When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!? Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?
War Room and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures
Directed by Alex Kendrick
All this wholesomeness and yet there’s no Kirk Cameron in sight!? For those of you unaware, War Room is another film in the increasingly disturbing trend of movies that are one hundred percent Christian with a capital Christ! Now there have been some REALLY good movies that take their cues from religious text such as Darren Aronofsky’s wonderful adaptation of the Noah story, but that’s not the kind of movie we’re in for though, is it? We’re not here to learn about the text that has inspired so many people. We’re here to see how AWESOME Christians are because no group of people needs constant reassurances of their superiority more than the target audience of whatever the hell this is. Still, I’ve got to try and give it a fair shot. Will there be something in here that can appeal to those outside of its specific niche, or is this yet another awful and impenetrable piece of propaganda disguised as an actual movie? Let’s find out!!
War Room is the story of perfect wife Elizabeth Jordan (Priscilla C. Shirer) who unfortunately is doomed to a life of misery due to her poor decisions in life. No, not the decision to marry a guy with a terrible temper and no respect for her; it’s the fact that she considers herself a “spiritual person” which to this movie’s target audience is right up there with “happy holidays” in terms of things people say inexplicable piss them off to no end. Her marriage is falling apart and while it’s almost entirely the verbally abusive and controlling douche bag’s fault (Tony Jordan played by T.C. Stallings), she’s not entirely without blame and seems intent on resent her husband instead of finding solutions for their problems. In comes Miss Clara who is trying to sell her house and has Elizabeth as her realtor. She seems to have the power to read minds which presumably was given to her by Jesus and can tell that Elizabeth is suffering over something. That or Elizabeth’s body language is easier to read than an actor in a Kabuki play. Miss Clara may not know yet what it is, but she sure as hell knows how to cure it! Will she get Elizabeth to see the power of Jesus which will help her fix her relationship? Will Tony ever stop being a bag of dicks to his family, which of course translates to finding Jesus? Will everything fall exactly into place for them once they start praying to God because he works on a Quid Pro Quo system!?
“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that! Just you wait!”
The Reviewers Unite 