Cinema Dispatch: Gods of Egypt


Gods of Egypt and all the images you see in this review are owned by Summit Entertainment and Lionsgate

Directed by Alex Proyas

No one was asking for this!  No one wanted the director of Dark City to make a Gore Verbinski style summer tent pole!  Where the hell did his even come from, other than the pits of Hell?  Brace yourselves people.  We’ve got a REALY bad one on our hands.  How bad?  Well you’re about to find out!!

The movie is primarily about the God Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) who is the son of Osiris (Bryan Brown) and will be given the throne to Asgard… I mean Egypt.  Osiris’s brother Set (Gerard Butler) has other plans however and stages the worst (yet somehow most effective) coup I’ve ever seen where about five hundred soldier dudes just enters the main palace with no resistance from Egypt’s own military.  Set kills Osiris and challenges Horus to one on one combat which seems like a pretty dumb idea in hindsight considering Horus almost beats his sorry ass and only loses once Set’s soldiers get involved.  Horus’s own soldiers never show up, and the other Gods observing the ceremony don’t step in to HELP him, so Horus loses the fight and has his eyes plucked out.  Set is now the king, goes full Egyptian Nazi on their asses, and has plans to… take over the afterlife?  I don’t know exactly but whatever it is, it’s nefarious!  Who can stop Set?  Well apparently a simple thief can as Bek (Brenton Thwaltes) breaks into the pyramid where Set keeps Horus’s eye and steals it away so that he and his girlfriend Zaya (Courtney Eaton) can bring Horus back and stop Set.  Zaya gets killed in the process unfortunately which means Bek has to use the eye as leverage to get Horus to bring back his girlfriend in exchange for it.  So now that Horus is back in action (at least half way what with one eye), he needs to come up with a plan to defeat Set with the help of Bek who seems to know a couple of things about Set’s operation and his natural abilities as a thief prove to be quite useful.  Will Horus find a way to stop Set before he does something REALLY bad?  Will he get any help from the Goddess of Love Hathor (Elodie Yung), the God of Wisdom Thoth (Chadwick Boseman) or his own grandfather Ra (Geoffrey Rush) who apparently lives on the Justice League Watchtower space station?  Does… anyone really care?  Was anyone looking forward to this?

“Ugh…  What am I even doing here?”

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Cinema Dispatch: Eddie the Eagle


Eddie the Eagle and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Dexter Fletcher

Despite some films that are clearly going to be awful coming through the pipeline soon (*cough* Gods of Egypt *cough* Brothers Grimsby *cough*), I think it’s safe to say that the New Year Doldrums are coming to end as we’ve been getting some pretty sold films lately like The Witch and Race.  Will Eddie the Eagle, a feel good comedy about an unlikely athlete, be yet another sign that the dark times are over, or the last gasp of awfulness before such dreck is anesthetized from the local multiplexes?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the story of Michael “Eddie” Edwards (Taron Egerton) whose one goal in life is to be an Olympic athlete and to one day participate in the games as a representative of Great Britain.  He doesn’t really care for any sport in particular (and has very little skill in most of them) but he eventually finds that skiing agrees with him for the most part and hopes to qualify for the 88 Winter Games in Calgary.  Sadly, he doesn’t seem to be up to snuff for any of the skiing events and is about to give up when he realizes that Great Britain hasn’t had an official Ski Jumper participate in the games for over fifty years which means that he doesn’t have to compete against anyone else to qualify!  True, he’s never jumped in his life, but he’s got about a year until the next games and is determined to get there no matter the cost.  He sets up camp in Germany where there’s an official training facility that he can practice at, yet the training seems to be slow going on his own.  Fortunately, IT JUST SO HAPPENS that a former American ski jumper named Bronson Peary (Hugh Jackman) is the unassuming and alcoholic groundskeeper (I guess that’s what you’d call him) of the facility and, after some badgering from Eddie, eventually decides to help him get just good enough to not kill himself at the games.  Will Eddie be able to live out his dream to be an Olympic athlete in a sport he barely understands?  Will Bronson find redemption in helping this guy become a proper ski jumper?  Who wants to bet the true story wasn’t NEARLY as whimsical as they portray it here?

“It’s Step-Pause-Turn-Pause-Pivot-Step-Step.  NOT Step-Pause-Turn-Pause-Pivot-Step-Pause, whatever the HELL that’s supposed to be!  DAMN IT!  Just let me do it!”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 14 (A New Enemy Appears: Nephrite’s Evil Crest)

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Junichi Satou

We’re back with the first episode of Leave it to Nephrite!  After the untimely demise of everyone’s favorite woman-hating boy in a man’s suit, the show now has the uphill battle of selling us on the guy who will take his place.  Sort of like how Spin City replaced Michael J Fox with Charlie Sheen and got canceled two seasons later.  Okay, bad example.  What about The Office?  They replaced Steve Carell with Ed Helms… and got canceled two seasons later.  Huh.  Well at least we know this show goes on for quite some time after Jadeite leaves, but can the Nephrite episodes hold a candle to the Jadeite ones or are we doomed to villains with diminishing returns for the next two hundred or so episodes?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins on Nephrite’s first day as head of project management at Hell Corp and is giving Queen Beryl his latest proposal to acquire greater quantities of energy in the coming fiscal quarter.  Unlike Jadeite who took energy from as many people as possible, Nephrite’s plan is to pick one person and milk them for all their worth because the FIRST thing you learn about investing is to put all your eggs in one basket.  Apparently I’m not the only one taking the piss out of Nephrite’s scheme because Zoisite (another one of the Kings of Dark Kingdom) just floats off to the side and laughs at him.

“Why don’t you put all your money in Facebook while you’re at it?  Oh, I am SO deliciously sardonic!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Witch


The Witch and all the images you see in this review are owned by A24

Directed by Robert Eggers

It’s probably too soon to say we’re out of the New Year Doldrums just because this movie came out, especially considering it played the festival circuit throughout most of 2015,  but whether or not this release can be used to determine a trend at the multiplexes, at least it’s something interesting to break up the mundanity and outright crappiness that we can usually expect for the first two or three months of the year.  Does this movie deserve all the praise it’s been getting, or is this another overhyped festival darling that’s being release now because it couldn’t hack it during a better time in the mainstream circuit?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows a family of ultra-religious pilgrims who have voluntarily left the settlement to live on their own and practice their own brand of conservative Christianity in peace.  Just to clear, these are the Puritans who thought the Puritans that left England to separate themselves from that sinful country were not pure enough for them.  Clearly leaving them to their own devices is going to end well for everyone.  Spoiler alert: It does not because not too long after William (the father played by Ralph Ineson) sets up their homestead just outside the woods, the baby son seems to have disappeared out of nowhere.  What happened to him?  Oh trust me.  You will find out very quickly what happened to him.  Needless to say that losing one of the kids does not sit well with either the parents (especially the mother played by Kate Dickle) or the baby’s siblings of which there are four (Thomasin played by Anya Taylor-Joy, Caleb played by Harvey Scrimshaw, and the twins Mercy and Jonas played by Ellie Grainger and Lucas Dawson).  Now it’s clear to us that somewhere deep inside the woods is a witch, but the family hasn’t come to that conclusion yet and as things get stranger and stranger, they begin to suspect one another which only escalates conflicts and weakens their sense of morality which is easily replaced by fervor.  Can this family get over the loss of their child and come together to hash out whatever differences they may have?  Will the witch’s devious motivations become clear as her corrupting influence permeates though the unwelcomed guests?  WHY IS THAT GOAT STARING AT ME!?


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Cinema Dispatch: Risen


Risen and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures

Directed by Kevin Reynolds

Not two months into the new year and we’re already getting a glimpse at the horrors we will have to endure this year as the endless wave of religious propaganda infects the cinemas like a virus (one of the really bad ones like Ebola).  Still, I always maintain that you can make a good movie out of any subject matter including religion with Noah still being the benchmark for modern biblical epics.  This one, while being a produced by the same company that brought us War Room, at least doesn’t have the foul brand of Pure Flix on it and it does have some decent stars here like Cliff Curtis who could lend at least SOME credibility here.  Does this manage to be one of the better bible films since they came back in style, or do these movies suck no matter who they get to waste their time in it?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows a Roman Centurion named Clavius (Joseph Fiennes) who works for Pontius Pilate during his time Judaea and we follow his story on the day that Christ is crucified.  Essentially playing as Pontius’s right hand man, Clavius is sent to ensure that Jesus (only referred to in this movie as Yeshua and played by Cliff Curtis) does indeed die on the cross and to ensure that his remains are entombed.  However, the high ranking Jewish officials (Rabbis I guess?) are concerned that someone will steal his body as to complete the supposed prophecy that he will rise after three days.  If the body disappears, then it will cause unrest in the city as his believers will feel their faith in his is affirmed.  Sure enough, the two bumbling guards they post at the tomb (no seriously, they’re straight up cartoonish in this) fail in their duty and the tomb is found to be empty.  It’s up to Clavius to find that body to make sure that there is proof that he did not indeed rise from the dead and that this all the work of conspirators.  Of course, if you’ve read the book then you know that isn’t the case and Clavius has one hell of a surprise waiting for him!  Will he be able to find Yeshua’s corpse (alive or dead) before Pontius throws a hissy fit?  What will Clavius do if he discovers that a man really has been brought back to life?  Is it possible that we have a Faith Based movie that ISN’T completely awful!?

“Have you seen Jesus?  I’m trying to find him.”     “Aren’t we all?”     “Alright smartass; that’s thirty days in the stocks for you!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Race


Race and all the images you see in this review are owned by Focus Features and TriStar Pictures

Directed by Stephen Hopkins

What with Oscars So White still being a relevant issues as the ceremony approaches, there really wasn’t a better time to release a biopic about the man who both shattered the color barrier to win four gold medals in 1936, and who succumbed to the insurmountable weight of the prejudice once her returned home.  A fitting figure to highlight the discrimination that even people as successful as Spike Lee, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and  countless other black and minority celebrities still have to face.  Does this movie do justice to the story of the man while also being heartbreaking relevant to today?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the career of Jesse Owens (Stephen James) between his acceptance to Ohio State University and his participation in the 1936 Berlin Olympics where he won four gold medals for the hundred meter, two hundred meter, four hundred meter relay, and long jump events.  Of course, the story is not as simple as it may seem considering this all took place well before the Civil Rights Act was even a possibility in the United States, and that the Berlin Olympics were taking place in Nazi Germany which was already becoming a hotly contested entity on the world stage.  As he struggles with his own personal demons about being a proper man and father, he must also face the realities of being a symbol for something greater than himself.  Certain members of the black community want him to take a stand against the Olympics as a way to highlight the atrocities in Germany as well as those in his own home country, which could be a powerful statement but would almost certainly end his career in the process.  Now we all know he did indeed end up going to the Olympics, but it was stuff like this that was in the back of his mind that he had to work through while facing down the Nazis in their own country.  Does this movie manage to capture the historical magnitude of Jesse Owens’s achievements or is this yet another biopic that fails to capture what makes the person so great to instead focus on running down a checklist of his life story?


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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 13 (Girls Unite: The End of Jadeite)

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Harume Kosaka

We’re back with a very special episode of Game of Lunar Thrones as Jadeite (the Geoffrey of our tale) is about to finally get his comeuppance as this is the last episode for the iconic villain!  Since episode one, he’s been the haughty counterbalance to Usagi’s less than composed demeanor and the show has done a darn good job building up his desperation in the last couple of episodes as the Scouts began to increase their power and thwart his plans more thoroughly.  Does he go out with a dramatic bang, or will his story end on a disappointing whimper?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with Jadeite literally under the spotlight as he’s being berated by Queen Beryl for his long list of failures in what has to be the worst exit interview of all time.

“I get the feeling I’m not gonna get a positive reference.”     “Tell you what.  If you kill the Scouts, I WON’T smear your chances of ever finding work at another evil organization.”     “I don’t know.  It doesn’t seem like a good idea to tempt fate like that.”     “Okay then.  ‘Dear Cobra Commander.  I just let go of an incompetent boob who will probably come begging for a job soon.’”     “ALRIGHT!  I GET IT!!”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 12 (I Want a Boyfriend: The Luxury Cruise Ship Is a Trap)

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Yuji Endo

We’re back with another episode of The Three Moon-eteers (Luna of course serving as our d’Artagnan in this metaphor)!  With Jadeite on the ropes after so many schemes not only failing but bringing his foes greater and greater power, he’s starting to get desperate for a way to stop them before he retires from this Evil Organization to pursue interests elsewhere.  Maybe Disney?  Anyway, will he be able to succeed in his latest hair-brained scheme, or will it all end in failure once again?  Well you can probably guess which one, but let’s see how it plays out!!

The episode begins in the bowels of Hell Corp where Jadeite is hiding from Queen Beryl’s condescending stare that he surely deserves considering his recent track record.  His self-imposed exile to the basement is unfortunately interrupted as one of Queen Beryl’s personal assistants tracks his butt down.

“Queen Beryl has been looking for you.”     “I know.  Why do you think I’m here?  Just one more week and I’m out of this dump.”     “Should I let her know I found you?”     “I’d rather you didn’t!”

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Cinema Dispatch: How to Be Single


How to Be Single and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Christian Ditter

Oddly enough, the really terrible Valentine’s Day film already came out with The Choice a week ago and this movie seems less interested in that market than it is in going after the Pitch Perfect or Sisters audience (hence the reason why Rebel Wilson is so prominent in the advertisements).  While I’m glad that this movie was not selling itself as an overly sentimental low budget Chick FlickTM, what it WAS promising didn’t look all that… well promising.  Still, trailers can be misleading and it does have Leslie Mann who’s always fun to watch on screen.  Does this turn out to better than expected, or is this just a low brow cash grab trying to ride a trend that’s already been defined by much better movies?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about four women for the most part.  We’ve got Alice (Dakota Johnson) who’s just moved to the big city and has taken a job at a law firm where Robin (Rebel Wilson) works and the two of them become fast friends as the latter teaches the former how to loosen up a bit and learn how to be a single lady.  We’ve also got Meg (Leslie Mann) who is Alice’s sister and she has decided that she wants to have a kid and find a way to make it work as a single parent with a demanding job as a doctor, while also making sure her younger sister doesn’t get into too much trouble.  Off to the side (definitely the least important part here) is Lucy (Alison Brie) who… I guess just wants to meet a guy?  I don’t know, there’s this thing about her finding an algorithm to find the perfect man, but that kind of drops off.  Her character basically gets subsumed by the local bartender anyway (Anders Holm) and, despite the poster, she has zero interacts with our three other leads.  Anyway, Alice’s big crisis is that she decided to put her current relationship with Josh (Nicholas Braun) on hold as she wants to experience single life before deciding whether or not she’s ready to settle down with him yet, but you can probably guess that those plans go pear shaped rather quickly and so she has to adapt to being single as a way of life rather than as an experiment.  Will Alice eventually find out how to live her life for her and not define it by the relationships she has with other men?  Will Meg be able to handle all the responsibilities of being a single mother?  Does Deadpool end up being the better romantic comedy!?

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.  And they’re like; it’s better than yours.  Damn right!  It’s better than yours!  I can teach you, but I’d have to charge.”

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