What is this? TWO Rarity episodes in a row? Has Hasbro been getting my letters!? Well we’ll find out if that’s true if the next episode has Luna and Celestia teaming up with Fiona and Cake to take down Sephiroth. ANYWAY, with last week’s episode being a mild disappointment for me, I’m happy that they’re giving Rarity another chance so soon to make up for it and this one might just do so what with its premise being that Rarity is going to play the part of the detective in some sort of crime or mystery! Will this be a return to form for everyone’s favorite fashionable unicorn, or are the writers still having trouble getting back into the swing of things after the mid-season hiatus? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins as Rarity is introducing her new line of clothing to the shop which is based on a fictional bad ass female spy named Peggy Carter. No wait, I got that wrong. What was it? Shadow Spade? Okay, let’s go with that.
“This is from the day she went to the experiments that turned Steve Withers into Captain Canterlot, and this is from when she went to see him at the bar during their campaign in Griffonstone, and this is from her spin-off miniseries!!”
Black Mass and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures
Directed by Scott Cooper
We’re finally in Oscar season, right? I mean Straight Outta Compton was a huge hit, but this is the first one that Hollywood studios are actually pushing for some Academy nods. We’ve got a big name actor playing a dark character in an organized crime biopic! Hell, the only way it could have more Oscar appeal is if it was set in World War 2! Still, Hollywood doesn’t always get it right when the make big Oscar films (look no further than The Judge from last year) and Johnny Depp has had a PRETTY hard time of it lately (again, look no further than Transcendence from last year). Will this movie be the critical hit that Johnny Deep needs at this point in his career, or will this biopic get lost in the shuffle once the other big films of the season start coming out in earnest? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about James “Whitey” Bulger (Johnny Depp) who rose to the top of the Boston crime world due to the fact that was an FBI informant and was getting protection from them as he helped them take down the Italian mob. Once the Italian’s were out the way though, Whitey became just as big a nuisance for the city, only HE had a federal organization who was at least somewhat hesitant to reveal their own involvement with him so he ran pretty much rampant for a good twenty years (1975-1995). Presumably the story is a lot more complex with a lot more people involved, but for this movie the main players are Whitey himself, his brother Billy (Benedict Cumberbatch) who was the President of the Massachusetts senate at the time, and John Connolly (Joel Edgerton) who grew up with Whitey and became the FBI agent that got him involved as an informant. Needless to say that having these three working together (to some capacity) creates a neigh unstoppable force as each party is protecting the other to some extent and the trio (John less so than the rest who seems to be a SOMEWHAT legitimate politician) make a WHOLE lot of money. The gravy train can’t ride forever though as the rest of the world starts to close in and Whitey’s actions become more erratic over time. Will these men get the comeuppance they deserve, or will they be able to escape whatever’s coming after to them once they take things too far? Well it’s a biopic so you can look up the answers right now, but then why would you want to spoil the fun?
The Perfect Guy and all the images you see in this review are owned by Screen Gems
Directed by David M Rosenthal
When a movie comes out the same week as another possible Shyamalan disaster and another Christian film to add to the catalog of faith based cinema, it’s pretty easy to get lost in the shuffle. Yet somehow, The Perfect Guy managed to not only bump the new releases out of the top spot but also overcame the smash hit of the season (Straight Outta Compton) and the flash in the pan garbage of the moment (War Room). Is this movie a surprise gem in a very uneven post summer season, or will this turn out to be another inexplicable hit that everyone forgets about once it drops away in a week or two? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about a highly successfully lobbyist named Leah (Sanaa Lathan) who’s got the perfect life with the perfect guy (though not the titular Perfect Guy) in the form of David (Morris Chestnut). Despite outward appearance though, the couple are having difficulties behind the scenes because David just isn’t ready to get married and have kids while Leah getting more and more nervous about waiting until he’s ready which seems less and less likely to happen as the days go buy. The couple end up splitting because of this and Leah is completely distraught and just throws herself in her work to try and forget the [breakup]. Will she ever find love again? Well yes, because this one guy named Malcolm (Michael Ealy) swoops into her life and is just too good to be true! I mean, anyone else wouldn’t have picked up on a whole lot of warning sign beforehand, but she’s just happy to have someone [be nice to her] and she goes along with it. Bad call because once she does see the creeps true nature (he mercilessly beats the shit out of some guy for dubious reasons), she tries to end it and Malcom just isn’t hearing it. Things continue to escalate as he begins stalking her and taking more and more drastic actions to get or attention which is throwing everything in her life into disarray. Can the police and her own support network shield her from his attempts to sabotage her life? Will she be forced to take matters into her own hands to stop this creep? Isn’t this just a gender swapped version of that Idris Elba and Beyoncé movie!?
Well it took them long enough!! After a mid-season hiatus that felt like an eternity, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic is finally back to finish out its fifth season. With all that extra time to work on the season (that or they had to allocate resources for Friendship Games) do they bring us something special to start off the second half, or are we going to get another example of the fifth season being somewhat uneven in terms of quality? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with Rarity waiting patiently for the mail to arrive which is expected to bring her some very good news. It’s well past when the Mail Pony is supposed to show up at her address though, so she’s wondering what malevolent force has been keeping them from fulfilling their sacred duty.
The Visit and all the images you see in this review are owned byUniversal Pictures
Directed by M Night Shyamalan
Oh good god, we have another M Night Shyamalan movie! After the travesty of… well everything after Signs, you’d think that he’d no longer be a big name director in Hollywood. Still, people kept giving him projects and he kept making terrible movies, culminating with the utter disaster that was After Earth. It seems though that he’s finally had to step down somewhat and has now released a low budget film with barely any recognizable actors and found footage gimmick. Will getting back to basics be exactly what this filmmaker needs to get his directing chops back, or is it too late for the man who could have been one the great auteurs of our time? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about Becca and Tyler (played by Olivia DeJonge and Ed Oxenbould), who are on a trip to see their grandparents. Their mother (Kathryn Hahn) had left things on pretty bad terms when she ran away to be with the man who would end up being the kids’ father, and she hasn’t spoken to them since then. Only recently did they get back in contact with their daughter and would like to have their grandchildren come visit them some time. An opportunity presents itself where the mother would need someone to look after the kids for a week, so she decides to let the kids go see them. The reason for the found footage approach with this film is that Becca is a filmmaker in her own right and wants to make a documentary of their trip to their grandparents house to not only go for an Oscar, but to show the footage to her mother to help her get over whatever it was that kept her away from her parents for so long. Of course, once they get to the grandparents’ house, things slowly start to get out of hand as both of them seem to exhibit strange and occasionally dangerous behaviors. Are these two the victims of some sort of degenerative neurological disease, or is there something more sinister at play?
“Oh don’t mind Granny. She just get possessed by Pazuzu everyone once in a while.”
Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media
Episode directed by Harume Kosaka
Oh good! I was hoping we’d run into some dated nineties storylines at some point! We all knew we were going to reach this point eventually. You can go back to pretty much anything from any time period and find stuff that’s woefully outdated, especially when you think of how fast things have changed with the onset of social media. Still, we can allow ourselves to overlook some less than ideal moments if everything else in the episode manages to pick up the slack. Can this episode succeed despite it’s less than precise handling of the subject matter? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with Usagi realizing that she gained a few pounds since her last weigh-in and she’s having a panic attack over it. Rather than her parents telling her that it isn’t a big deal or Luna telling her the weight she gained is probably due to the muscle she’s built since starting her career as a warrior for justice, everyone around her gives her shit about it. Her parents TRY to reassure her but fail miserably at it, and Luna seems intent on giving her Body Dysmorphia!
“I’m thinking Sailor Chubs. Fatty Moon maybe? I could really use your input here Usagi!”
Sonic the Hedgehog and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Archie Comics and Sega of America
(August 1993)
Well THIS is certainly something new! Normally I stick to movies and TV shows, but I’ve been on a bit of a Sonic the Hedgehog kick recently and I figured there’s SOME way to share this recent interest with all of you. I don’t have the courage to do a recap series for Sonic X (yet) so for now, we’ll take a look at the comic book series which has been running for over twenty years! SERIOUSLY!! This particular book (Sonic the Hedgehog) has been running since 1993!! Well we clearly have plenty of material to work with, so we might as well just jump right in with the first issue!!
So how did they decide to begin their comic about a child friendly mascot fighting a robot master? With our hero getting lynched of course!!
“Let’s see how fast your neck can snap!!” “URG GURG BLERG!!!”
The Transporter Refueled and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp
Directed by Camille Delamarre
So which one was it? Did Jason Statham become too expensive, or was Luc Besson too cheap to get him back? Well either way, we’ve got a brand new Transporter film in theaters with a much more affordable actor in the title role. Now this isn’t the first time the character has been portrayed by someone other than Jason Statham, what with a TV series that as far as I can tell is still being made, but instead of making a continuation of that series they decided to reboot the whole thing and have this be its own independent venture. Will they succeed in making The Transporter a household name for action films, or with this turn out to be yet another failure to revive a (presumably) beloved character on the big screen? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about The Transporter (Ed Skrein) who is a dude that handles his jobs like a pragmatic hooker. No names, no backstory, and every move is agreed upon ahead of time. While we don’t see him on a job before the plot of the movie kicks in, it’s clear that he’s a driver for whoever the hell needs his services. Politicians, celebrities, bank robbers, you name it. I wonder if he ever helped someone who committed a premeditated murder. Anyway, on top of being the best British driver in all of Europe (the movie takes place in France despite all the cars having their driver’s seat on the left side) he can also kick massive amounts of ass as he proves to us in the opening scene where a bunch of thugs try to strip his car. One question: After this dude in a suit manages to beat seven of your buddies to the curb, why do you think YOU will be the one to take him down? Sorry. I keep getting distracted here. The movie ACTUALLY begins in 1995 with a bunch of gangsters shooting up a bunch of prostitutes and pimps on a corner so that they can put their OWN working girls on that corner. That seems like A LOT of trouble to go through just for street hookers, but maybe they didn’t have escort services back then. After THAT scene, we jump ahead to the aforementioned beat down of the street thugs who piss off The Transporter which causes him to be late in picking up his dad (Ray Stevenson) who’s retiring from MI6 or whatever.
GOD DAMN!! When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!? Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?
War Room and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures
Directed by Alex Kendrick
All this wholesomeness and yet there’s no Kirk Cameron in sight!? For those of you unaware, War Room is another film in the increasingly disturbing trend of movies that are one hundred percent Christian with a capital Christ! Now there have been some REALLY good movies that take their cues from religious text such as Darren Aronofsky’s wonderful adaptation of the Noah story, but that’s not the kind of movie we’re in for though, is it? We’re not here to learn about the text that has inspired so many people. We’re here to see how AWESOME Christians are because no group of people needs constant reassurances of their superiority more than the target audience of whatever the hell this is. Still, I’ve got to try and give it a fair shot. Will there be something in here that can appeal to those outside of its specific niche, or is this yet another awful and impenetrable piece of propaganda disguised as an actual movie? Let’s find out!!
War Room is the story of perfect wife Elizabeth Jordan (Priscilla C. Shirer) who unfortunately is doomed to a life of misery due to her poor decisions in life. No, not the decision to marry a guy with a terrible temper and no respect for her; it’s the fact that she considers herself a “spiritual person” which to this movie’s target audience is right up there with “happy holidays” in terms of things people say inexplicable piss them off to no end. Her marriage is falling apart and while it’s almost entirely the verbally abusive and controlling douche bag’s fault (Tony Jordan played by T.C. Stallings), she’s not entirely without blame and seems intent on resent her husband instead of finding solutions for their problems. In comes Miss Clara who is trying to sell her house and has Elizabeth as her realtor. She seems to have the power to read minds which presumably was given to her by Jesus and can tell that Elizabeth is suffering over something. That or Elizabeth’s body language is easier to read than an actor in a Kabuki play. Miss Clara may not know yet what it is, but she sure as hell knows how to cure it! Will she get Elizabeth to see the power of Jesus which will help her fix her relationship? Will Tony ever stop being a bag of dicks to his family, which of course translates to finding Jesus? Will everything fall exactly into place for them once they start praying to God because he works on a Quid Pro Quo system!?
“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that! Just you wait!”
The Reviewers Unite 