Cinema Dispatch: The Martian

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

TMCD0

The Martian and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Ridley Scott

Oh yay!  Another Ridley Scott film, because the last one was so good.  Well despite his shaky track record as of late, there’s no denying that the man is one of our greatest living directors and a movie like this is right in his wheelhouse while also being an original science fiction property as opposed to going back to the Alien well.  Can he manage to make a great movie with so many excellent resources at his disposal, or will he still manage to screw it up like he did with Exodus and Robin Hood?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) who is part of the Ares III manned mission to Mars.  While on the planet’s surface, the crew gets word of a big ass storm coming their way so they have to leave the mission early, and by early I mean RIGHT THE FRAK NOW!!  Apparently they didn’t see it coming until five minutes before it hits.  The astronauts on the planet (including Mark) try to make it to their recon ship in the midst of the downpour of… whatever the hell it is Mars starts raining down in a storm (rocks I think).

“I think I’ve got a rock in my shoe.”     “DEAL WITH IT!!!”
“I think I’ve got a rock in my shoe.”     “DEAL WITH IT!!!”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Brotherhooves Social)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

What the heck!?  It’s an episode WITHOUT RARITY!?!?  Can someone stick a thermometer in the ground to see if Hell just froze over?  Well in any case, it’s time we find out just what happened at the Sisterhooves Social that Applejack and Rarity had to miss last episode.  Will Twilight get a chance to do something for once by filling in?  Maybe, but since this is called Brotherhooves Social, I’m guessing we’re going to focus on someone else and unless it’s Shining Armor, she MAY not be in this episode.  Oh well, there’s always next time.  Will this episode be able to keep up the pace that we’ve been going at since the show returned, or will we see why Rarity should be the focus of every single episode!?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins on the Apple farm (which coincidentally grows apples) where Granny Smith is making preparations for The Sisterhooves Social while Applejack and Apple Bloom are practicing outside.  Big Mac is helping Granny because he has nothing better to do but spends most of his efforts watching wistfully as Apple Bloom continues to rain affection on Applejack who has over the years completely overshadowed him and all his accomplishments.

“Am I doomed to be the Frank Stallone of the Apple family?”]
“Am I doomed to be the Frank Stallone of the Apple family?”]

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Cinema Dispatch: Sicario

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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Sicario and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

Isn’t it great to that we start getting GOOD movies again?  I mean sure, Black Mass had its problems but compared to some of the crap I had to sit through in the last two months, it was practically Kubrick.  Now we’re getting this movie AND The Martian in the same week without a single bible thumping propaganda piece in sight!  Does this tale about government agencies working against the Cartel manage to be one of the better films of the year, or is a disappointing procedural that will get lost in the shuffle by the time the Oscars roll around?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Kate Macer (Emily Blunt) who’s head of some sort of tactical response team in the FBI stumbles across a horrifying crime scene during one of her missions where the Cartel has apparently been burying people they kill in the walls of the building.  Okay… well it gets even worse when the team accidently sets off a trap bomb that may have killed any remaining hostages that the team thought were on the premises.  Despite the awful day she had, the silver lining comes in when she catches the attention of Matt Graver (Josh Brolin) who offers her a chance to work with him on more direct missions against the Cartel.  She agrees to go with him and meets with Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) who’s a complete mystery and may not even be working for the United States in any sort of official capacity.  Still, he proves to be very effective in the line of duty as he and Matt (along with Kate who’s still adjusting to their methods) work on operations that will definitely cut the Cartel’s legs out from under them.  Still, she has her reservations to the actions they take and once her partner from the tactical response team Reggie Wayne (Daniel Kaluuya) gets in on it to, it’s clear that her conscious is getting the better of her and that Matt and Alejandro aren’t exactly who they seem to be.  Will Kate decide that their methods, while unorthodox, are necessary for the war they’re trying to fight, or will she not allow herself to go through the mental hoops necessary to somehow justify their actions and her own?

“Maybe we shouldn’t be rolling into foreign countries to take their citizens while carrying high powered weaponry.  Then again, SCREW THESE CARTEL ASSHOLES!!  BANG BANG BANG!!!”
“Maybe we shouldn’t be rolling into foreign countries to take their citizens while carrying high powered weaponry.  Then again, SCREW THESE CARTEL ASSHOLES!!  BANG BANG BANG!!!”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Made in Manehattan)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 5 Comments

Wait, they had a new episode of the show air the same day as the premiere of Friendship Games!?  How much pony do we NEED in a week!?  Well now that I’m done with my extensive look at the latest movie from the Equestria girls series, it’s time to return to the show that started it all as we get ANOTHER Rarity episode to talk about!!  THREE IN A ROW!  WOO!!!  Now Canterlot Boutique was a bit underwhelming, but they made up for it and then some with the masterfully executed Rarity Investigates!  Can they repeat the success of the latter with this episode about her and Applejack going to the big city, or will this be more in line with the former which was only decent?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins in Twilight’s doom fortress where she’s feeling the ennui of living the princess life.  Her search for thrills and excitement can no longer be satiated by reading the same books over and over again.  She yearns for something more; like maybe another Changeling invasion or some creature from the depths of hell to plunge the world in peril again.

"Blech... Shouldn't my human friends be begging for my help by now?"
“Blech… Shouldn’t my human friends be begging for my help by now?”

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Super Recaps: Equestria Girls: Friendship Games

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

For the third year in a row, the mad geniuses behind Friendship is Magic has brought us a movie based on what might be one of the dumbest and cynical ideas that you could come up with for a spinoff of a fantasy series.  If you think about it, this is the same crazy idea that led to awful movies like Highlander 2: The Quickening, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, and Masters of the Universe.  Somehow though, despite all that was working against them, the team that made colorful horses into a cross generational smash hit managed to make Equestria Girls into a quality and meaningful extension of the series.  Neither of the previous films were perfect, but they managed to be a lot of fun and at brought a bit of variety to the franchise which is more than I think anyone was expecting.  Now they’re back with the third movie which looks to go even more in depth with the parallel universe gimmick by making the Twilight Spark of this universe the focus of this outing.  Will they be able to knock it out the park again with this movie, or have they gone as far as they can with this secondary series?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with everyone running frantically to school to face whatever new threat has befallen them this time.  Oh no wait, Rainbow Dash just needs a new guitar string.  Well, to SOME people that would be an emergency (mainly Rainbow Dash).  Oh well, at least there’s absolutely NOTHING strange going on at this school for once and everyone can… wait who’s that?

First a trio of sirens and now the Unabomber!?!?
First a trio of sirens and now the Unabomber!?!?

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Cinema Dispatch: The Green Inferno

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

GICD0

The Green Inferno and the slightly edited poster in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by Eli Roth

Green Inferno may be the worst movie that I have ever seen in my life. I’m never felt so emotionally drained and damaged coming out of a movie. I don’t know who the target audience is for this movie, but I do hope that they don’t like this movie either because I just can’t see the appeal of this outside of some really cynical theories.  Is it that people just want blood and guts?  Well I like blood and guts too, but I certainly didn’t like it in here.  Is it the fact that everyone in the movie is either a terrified victim or an irredeemable monster?  I’ve seen lots of horror movies where that’s the case, and while I think the genre needs to outgrow that dynamic (it’s boring more than anything else) it was done to a level here that feels damn near pornographic or, perhaps more appropriately, sadistic.

I regret that tweet a bit.  I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.
I regret that tweet a bit.  I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.

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Cinema Dispatch: Hotel Transylvania 2

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HTCD0

Hotel Transylvania 2 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures

Directed by Genndy Tartakovsky

Does anyone else remember just how amazing it was that the first movie was in fact as good as it was?  The movie had been in production since 2006 and had five directors attached to it before finally settling on Genndy Tartakovsky who by all means is an accomplished animator but had never directed a feature film.  Not only that, but Adam Sandler was (and continues to be) a joke for a lot of people and his movie in the last decade or so have been absolutely abysmal.  Despite all that, Hotel Transylvania was not only good but one of the best animated films in a long time.  Now it’s time for Sony to start franchising this sucker with a sequel, but they seem to be doing it the right way by not only getting back the original director but the same writers as well.  Will this somehow manage to be one of the few animated sequels to be just as good if not better than the original, or will they throw out everything that was great about the first film just to milk a couple more dollars out of this series?  Let’s find out!!

After the events of the first movie, Mavis and Jonathan (Selena Gomez and Andy Samberg) start dating and eventually get married in the titular hotel.  Their whirlwind love affair eventually leads to her getting pregnant and giving birth to their son Dennis whom Dracula (Adam Sandler) starts to obsess over because now he has a new outlet for the overprotective behavior he struggled to overcome in the last film.  Unfortunately, like in the first movie, there comes a point where his paternal usefulness may be coming to an end with Mavis thinking that it may be too dangerous for them to stay at the hotel since young Dennis has yet to show any signs of being anything other than human, and in the Lore of this universe if he doesn’t show any signs by his fifth birthday (which is rapidly approaching), he’ll be a human forever.  Dracula, being the crafty bastard that is, enlists Jonathan’s help (who wants to stay at the hotel) to keep Mavis distracted while he and his friends try to force the vampirism into his grandson by taking him on the night of professional scaring.  I wouldn’t think that biology could be affected by cultural immersion but whatever.  So Jonathan and Mavis are off to visit his family in California for some marital R&R (and to see if the place would be a good fit for their family), while the old school monsters are trying their best to not only get this kid to grow his fangs but to recapture a bit of their youthful exuberance as they revisit their familiar haunts from when they were the scourge of humanity which may be a bit more difficult than they were expecting now the humans have learned about monsters and are (tentatively) accepting them.

Some seem to be adjusting better than others.
Some seem to be adjusting better than others.

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Cinema Dispatch: Captive

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CCD0

Captive and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Jerry Jameson

While the post summer doldrums is dying down, there’s still a bit more mediocrity to fill out the multiplex.  I’d never even heard of this movie until I walked into the theater for something completely different and not a peep about it since its release.  Still though, even though it’s being released with so little fanfare, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be bad, right?  Oh who am I kidding?  At this time of year it’s not a question of IF it’s bad but HOW bad.  Does this movie manage to rise above the rest of the lousy films that came out recently or does this somehow manage to be one of the worst?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is a dramatization of Brian Nichols’s escape from the Fulton County Courthouse in March of 2005.  He shot and killed three people while leaving the courthouse and another person during his run from the law who just so happened to be an FBI agent so needless to say that with four murders under his belt he’s keen not to face the music for all that.  He somehow manages to evade the authorities long enough to find a place to lay low for a bit which happens to be the apartment of Ashley Smith, a woman recovering from an addiction to meth and trying to stay clean so she can get her daughter back.  Needless to say that being held hostage in her own home by a homicidal dick bag is going to throw a wrench in those plans especially if the guy snaps and kills her.  Will Ashley (Kate Mara) be able to survive the night with this man responsible for three murders?  Will Brian (David Oyelowo) actually accept responsibility for his actions and turn himself in?  How many freaking biopic have I had to sit through this month!?

“I know this situation is a bit unorthodox and I apologize for any discomfort you may feel during our time together.  If you scream though, I’ll stab you right in the jugular.”
“I know this situation is a bit unorthodox and I apologize for any discomfort you may feel during our time together.  If you scream though, I’ll stab you right in the jugular.”

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Cinema Dispatch: 90 Minutes in Heaven

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

NMIHCD0

90 Minutes in Heaven and all the images you see in this review are owned by Samuel Goldwyn Films

Directed by Michael Polish

Do we really need another one these?  I mean War Room came out less than a month ago!   How much must I suffer for my work!?  Ugh, well at least this one has actual actors in it what with Hayden Christensen, Kate Bosworth, and even Fred “not President” Thompson being present and accounted for.  Is it possible that this movie is better than the last overly Christian movie I had to sit through?  Well probably yes considering how unforgivably awful War Room was, but then again we should never believe that we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel.  Anyway, let’s find out!!

The movie is about Don Piper (Hayden Christensen) who is a small town pastor in 1989 Texas with the perfect kids, the perfect wife, and the perfect life.   On his way home from a seminar, God shows the wholesome bastard what he thinks about his oh so idyllic life and sends a fucking semi to teach his sorry ass a lesson.  The pastor is pronounced dead once the paramedics take a single look at the metal heap (I think they check his pulse, but they’re doing so from outside a crushed car and they only check his carotid), but this one dude just roles up on the scene and decides to pray for the man who just died which apparently involves him climbing into the car, putting his hand on his shoulder, and singing a hymn on top of whatever prayer he felt appropriate for the situation.  The dulcet tones of the passerby seem to rouse the dead man from his eternal slumber as he starts to very weakly sing along.  Now that it’s clear that the man is not as dead as he could be, can he still be saved despite the massive injuries he incurred?  How will his family cope with the tragedy thrust upon them as well as the inevitable financial fallout?  Did something happen to Don while he was dead that’s probably spoiled in the title!?

“In Heaven, they were going to let me star in Star Wars episode seven.  In fact, we can ALL star in Star Wars episode seven!”
“In Heaven, they were going to let me star in Star Wars episode seven.  In fact, we can ALL star in Star Wars episode seven!”

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