Cinema Dispatch: God’s Not Dead 2


God’s Not Dead 2 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Pure Flix Entertainment

Directed by Harold Cronk

The first God’s Not Dead movie came out about the same time as Captain America the Winter Solider.  Went I went to see Captain America with some friends, the lines for the respective theaters lined up just right so that the Captain American line was right next to the God’s Not Dead line; two parallel lines essentially.  I looked up and down the Captain America line, and saw kids, adults, families, millennials; all of different backgrounds and races.  I look across from me and see the God’s Not Dead line which is filled with nothing but middle aged white people, and the young children of middle aged white people.  The first movie was an unconscionably awful smear against everyone who didn’t subscribe to the filmmakers point of view, and I expect nothing less than that from the sequel.  Is this just as bad, or can this possibly be worse?  Let’s find out…

The movie is somewhat of a sequel to the original with only some of the secondary characters returning and there being a new protagonist (so basically the View Askewniverse for Evangelicals).  The one to take over main character duties from Josh Wheaton is Grace Wesley (Melissa Joan Hart); a high school history teacher and devout Christian.  What kind of Christian?  Eh… it doesn’t matter I’m gonna guess she’s a Jehovah’s Witness.  Anyway, one of her students Brooke (Hayley Orrantia) is trying to deal with the death of her brother, but isn’t getting much support from her ATHIEST parents who seem to be emotionally dead and barely registering that their son has died.  I guess that’s what happens when you sell your soul to Satan or whatever they believe Atheist do.  Brooke eventually approaches Grace outside of school for some advice and she learns that Grace gets through all the bad times do to her belief in Jesus.  Cut to sometime later and it turns out that her brother was a closet Christian (okay…) which prompts her to read up on the Bible and she manages to get some comfort out of that.  Fair enough, but here’s where things get tricky.  Grace is teaching about non-violent protest leaders such as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, which prompts Brooke to ask if a parallel can be drawn between them and Jesus.  Grace answers the question, all hell breaks loose as the school board finds out, and eventually she finds herself embroiled in a court case with her plucky lawyer Tom (Jesse Metcalfe) despite him being a “non-believer” (*cough* Bullshit *cough*).  While this is going on, we also see how this case is affecting some of the characters who return from the last movie such as Pastor Dave (David AR White) who JUST SO HAPPENS to end up on the jury for the trial.  It’s almost like it was fate or something!  Can Grace and Tom win this case to preserve everyone’s right to their own faith?  Will The Bad GuysTM manage to stop them and put all Christians to death in the process?  DID THIS MOVIE JUST SEQUEL BAIT US!?

I think you and I are destined to do this forever…

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Cinema Dispatch: 90 Minutes in Heaven


90 Minutes in Heaven and all the images you see in this review are owned by Samuel Goldwyn Films

Directed by Michael Polish

Do we really need another one these?  I mean War Room came out less than a month ago!   How much must I suffer for my work!?  Ugh, well at least this one has actual actors in it what with Hayden Christensen, Kate Bosworth, and even Fred “not President” Thompson being present and accounted for.  Is it possible that this movie is better than the last overly Christian movie I had to sit through?  Well probably yes considering how unforgivably awful War Room was, but then again we should never believe that we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel.  Anyway, let’s find out!!

The movie is about Don Piper (Hayden Christensen) who is a small town pastor in 1989 Texas with the perfect kids, the perfect wife, and the perfect life.   On his way home from a seminar, God shows the wholesome bastard what he thinks about his oh so idyllic life and sends a fucking semi to teach his sorry ass a lesson.  The pastor is pronounced dead once the paramedics take a single look at the metal heap (I think they check his pulse, but they’re doing so from outside a crushed car and they only check his carotid), but this one dude just roles up on the scene and decides to pray for the man who just died which apparently involves him climbing into the car, putting his hand on his shoulder, and singing a hymn on top of whatever prayer he felt appropriate for the situation.  The dulcet tones of the passerby seem to rouse the dead man from his eternal slumber as he starts to very weakly sing along.  Now that it’s clear that the man is not as dead as he could be, can he still be saved despite the massive injuries he incurred?  How will his family cope with the tragedy thrust upon them as well as the inevitable financial fallout?  Did something happen to Don while he was dead that’s probably spoiled in the title!?

“In Heaven, they were going to let me star in Star Wars episode seven.  In fact, we can ALL star in Star Wars episode seven!”
“In Heaven, they were going to let me star in Star Wars episode seven.  In fact, we can ALL star in Star Wars episode seven!”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: 90 Minutes in Heaven”