Cinema Dispatch: Captive

September 25, 2015August 31, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Captive and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Jerry Jameson

While the post summer doldrums is dying down, there’s still a bit more mediocrity to fill out the multiplex. I’d never even heard of this movie until I walked into the theater for something completely different and not a peep about it since its release. Still though, even though it’s being released with so little fanfare, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be bad, right? Oh who am I kidding? At this time of year it’s not a question of IF it’s bad but HOW bad. Does this movie manage to rise above the rest of the lousy films that came out recently or does this somehow manage to be one of the worst? Let’s find out!!

The movie is a dramatization of Brian Nichols’s escape from the Fulton County Courthouse in March of 2005. He shot and killed three people while leaving the courthouse and another person during his run from the law who just so happened to be an FBI agent so needless to say that with four murders under his belt he’s keen not to face the music for all that. He somehow manages to evade the authorities long enough to find a place to lay low for a bit which happens to be the apartment of Ashley Smith, a woman recovering from an addiction to meth and trying to stay clean so she can get her daughter back. Needless to say that being held hostage in her own home by a homicidal dick bag is going to throw a wrench in those plans especially if the guy snaps and kills her. Will Ashley (Kate Mara) be able to survive the night with this man responsible for three murders? Will Brian (David Oyelowo) actually accept responsibility for his actions and turn himself in? How many freaking biopic have I had to sit through this month!?

“I know this situation is a bit unorthodox and I apologize for any discomfort you may feel during our time together. If you scream though, I’ll stab you right in the jugular.”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Captive” →

Cinema Dispatch: 90 Minutes in Heaven

September 23, 2015August 29, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

90 Minutes in Heaven and all the images you see in this review are owned by Samuel Goldwyn Films

Directed by Michael Polish

Do we really need another one these? I mean War Room came out less than a month ago! How much must I suffer for my work!? Ugh, well at least this one has actual actors in it what with Hayden Christensen, Kate Bosworth, and even Fred “not President” Thompson being present and accounted for. Is it possible that this movie is better than the last overly Christian movie I had to sit through? Well probably yes considering how unforgivably awful War Room was, but then again we should never believe that we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel. Anyway, let’s find out!!

The movie is about Don Piper (Hayden Christensen) who is a small town pastor in 1989 Texas with the perfect kids, the perfect wife, and the perfect life. On his way home from a seminar, God shows the wholesome bastard what he thinks about his oh so idyllic life and sends a fucking semi to teach his sorry ass a lesson. The pastor is pronounced dead once the paramedics take a single look at the metal heap (I think they check his pulse, but they’re doing so from outside a crushed car and they only check his carotid), but this one dude just roles up on the scene and decides to pray for the man who just died which apparently involves him climbing into the car, putting his hand on his shoulder, and singing a hymn on top of whatever prayer he felt appropriate for the situation. The dulcet tones of the passerby seem to rouse the dead man from his eternal slumber as he starts to very weakly sing along. Now that it’s clear that the man is not as dead as he could be, can he still be saved despite the massive injuries he incurred? How will his family cope with the tragedy thrust upon them as well as the inevitable financial fallout? Did something happen to Don while he was dead that’s probably spoiled in the title!?

“In Heaven, they were going to let me star in Star Wars episode seven. In fact, we can ALL star in Star Wars episode seven!”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: 90 Minutes in Heaven” →

Cinema Dispatch: Black Mass

September 19, 2015August 31, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Black Mass and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures

Directed by Scott Cooper

We’re finally in Oscar season, right? I mean Straight Outta Compton was a huge hit, but this is the first one that Hollywood studios are actually pushing for some Academy nods. We’ve got a big name actor playing a dark character in an organized crime biopic! Hell, the only way it could have more Oscar appeal is if it was set in World War 2! Still, Hollywood doesn’t always get it right when the make big Oscar films (look no further than The Judge from last year) and Johnny Depp has had a PRETTY hard time of it lately (again, look no further than Transcendence from last year). Will this movie be the critical hit that Johnny Deep needs at this point in his career, or will this biopic get lost in the shuffle once the other big films of the season start coming out in earnest? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about James “Whitey” Bulger (Johnny Depp) who rose to the top of the Boston crime world due to the fact that was an FBI informant and was getting protection from them as he helped them take down the Italian mob. Once the Italian’s were out the way though, Whitey became just as big a nuisance for the city, only HE had a federal organization who was at least somewhat hesitant to reveal their own involvement with him so he ran pretty much rampant for a good twenty years (1975-1995). Presumably the story is a lot more complex with a lot more people involved, but for this movie the main players are Whitey himself, his brother Billy (Benedict Cumberbatch) who was the President of the Massachusetts senate at the time, and John Connolly (Joel Edgerton) who grew up with Whitey and became the FBI agent that got him involved as an informant. Needless to say that having these three working together (to some capacity) creates a neigh unstoppable force as each party is protecting the other to some extent and the trio (John less so than the rest who seems to be a SOMEWHAT legitimate politician) make a WHOLE lot of money. The gravy train can’t ride forever though as the rest of the world starts to close in and Whitey’s actions become more erratic over time. Will these men get the comeuppance they deserve, or will they be able to escape whatever’s coming after to them once they take things too far? Well it’s a biopic so you can look up the answers right now, but then why would you want to spoil the fun?

You do NOT want to spoil this guy’s fun.

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Black Mass” →

Cinema Dispatch: The Perfect Guy

September 18, 2015September 9, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

The Perfect Guy and all the images you see in this review are owned by Screen Gems

Directed by David M Rosenthal

When a movie comes out the same week as another possible Shyamalan disaster and another Christian film to add to the catalog of faith based cinema, it’s pretty easy to get lost in the shuffle. Yet somehow, The Perfect Guy managed to not only bump the new releases out of the top spot but also overcame the smash hit of the season (Straight Outta Compton) and the flash in the pan garbage of the moment (War Room). Is this movie a surprise gem in a very uneven post summer season, or will this turn out to be another inexplicable hit that everyone forgets about once it drops away in a week or two? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about a highly successfully lobbyist named Leah (Sanaa Lathan) who’s got the perfect life with the perfect guy (though not the titular Perfect Guy) in the form of David (Morris Chestnut). Despite outward appearance though, the couple are having difficulties behind the scenes because David just isn’t ready to get married and have kids while Leah getting more and more nervous about waiting until he’s ready which seems less and less likely to happen as the days go buy. The couple end up splitting because of this and Leah is completely distraught and just throws herself in her work to try and forget the [breakup]. Will she ever find love again? Well yes, because this one guy named Malcolm (Michael Ealy) swoops into her life and is just too good to be true! I mean, anyone else wouldn’t have picked up on a whole lot of warning sign beforehand, but she’s just happy to have someone [be nice to her] and she goes along with it. Bad call because once she does see the creeps true nature (he mercilessly beats the shit out of some guy for dubious reasons), she tries to end it and Malcom just isn’t hearing it. Things continue to escalate as he begins stalking her and taking more and more drastic actions to get or attention which is throwing everything in her life into disarray. Can the police and her own support network shield her from his attempts to sabotage her life? Will she be forced to take matters into her own hands to stop this creep? Isn’t this just a gender swapped version of that Idris Elba and Beyoncé movie!?

“Is it too late to be a villain on Dexter?”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: The Perfect Guy” →

Cinema Dispatch: The Visit

September 14, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

The Visit and all the images you see in this review are owned byUniversal Pictures

Directed by M Night Shyamalan

Oh good god, we have another M Night Shyamalan movie! After the travesty of… well everything after Signs, you’d think that he’d no longer be a big name director in Hollywood. Still, people kept giving him projects and he kept making terrible movies, culminating with the utter disaster that was After Earth. It seems though that he’s finally had to step down somewhat and has now released a low budget film with barely any recognizable actors and found footage gimmick. Will getting back to basics be exactly what this filmmaker needs to get his directing chops back, or is it too late for the man who could have been one the great auteurs of our time? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Becca and Tyler (played by Olivia DeJonge and Ed Oxenbould), who are on a trip to see their grandparents. Their mother (Kathryn Hahn) had left things on pretty bad terms when she ran away to be with the man who would end up being the kids’ father, and she hasn’t spoken to them since then. Only recently did they get back in contact with their daughter and would like to have their grandchildren come visit them some time. An opportunity presents itself where the mother would need someone to look after the kids for a week, so she decides to let the kids go see them. The reason for the found footage approach with this film is that Becca is a filmmaker in her own right and wants to make a documentary of their trip to their grandparents house to not only go for an Oscar, but to show the footage to her mother to help her get over whatever it was that kept her away from her parents for so long. Of course, once they get to the grandparents’ house, things slowly start to get out of hand as both of them seem to exhibit strange and occasionally dangerous behaviors. Are these two the victims of some sort of degenerative neurological disease, or is there something more sinister at play?

“Oh don’t mind Granny. She just get possessed by Pazuzu everyone once in a while.”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: The Visit” →

Cinema Dispatch: The Transporter Refueled

September 7, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

The Transporter Refueled and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp

Directed by Camille Delamarre

So which one was it? Did Jason Statham become too expensive, or was Luc Besson too cheap to get him back? Well either way, we’ve got a brand new Transporter film in theaters with a much more affordable actor in the title role. Now this isn’t the first time the character has been portrayed by someone other than Jason Statham, what with a TV series that as far as I can tell is still being made, but instead of making a continuation of that series they decided to reboot the whole thing and have this be its own independent venture. Will they succeed in making The Transporter a household name for action films, or with this turn out to be yet another failure to revive a (presumably) beloved character on the big screen? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about The Transporter (Ed Skrein) who is a dude that handles his jobs like a pragmatic hooker. No names, no backstory, and every move is agreed upon ahead of time. While we don’t see him on a job before the plot of the movie kicks in, it’s clear that he’s a driver for whoever the hell needs his services. Politicians, celebrities, bank robbers, you name it. I wonder if he ever helped someone who committed a premeditated murder. Anyway, on top of being the best British driver in all of Europe (the movie takes place in France despite all the cars having their driver’s seat on the left side) he can also kick massive amounts of ass as he proves to us in the opening scene where a bunch of thugs try to strip his car. One question: After this dude in a suit manages to beat seven of your buddies to the curb, why do you think YOU will be the one to take him down? Sorry. I keep getting distracted here. The movie ACTUALLY begins in 1995 with a bunch of gangsters shooting up a bunch of prostitutes and pimps on a corner so that they can put their OWN working girls on that corner. That seems like A LOT of trouble to go through just for street hookers, but maybe they didn’t have escort services back then. After THAT scene, we jump ahead to the aforementioned beat down of the street thugs who piss off The Transporter which causes him to be late in picking up his dad (Ray Stevenson) who’s retiring from MI6 or whatever.

GOD DAMN!! When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!? Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: The Transporter Refueled” →

Cinema Dispatch: War Room

September 2, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 6 Comments

War Room and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures

Directed by Alex Kendrick

All this wholesomeness and yet there’s no Kirk Cameron in sight!? For those of you unaware, War Room is another film in the increasingly disturbing trend of movies that are one hundred percent Christian with a capital Christ! Now there have been some REALLY good movies that take their cues from religious text such as Darren Aronofsky’s wonderful adaptation of the Noah story, but that’s not the kind of movie we’re in for though, is it? We’re not here to learn about the text that has inspired so many people. We’re here to see how AWESOME Christians are because no group of people needs constant reassurances of their superiority more than the target audience of whatever the hell this is. Still, I’ve got to try and give it a fair shot. Will there be something in here that can appeal to those outside of its specific niche, or is this yet another awful and impenetrable piece of propaganda disguised as an actual movie? Let’s find out!!

War Room is the story of perfect wife Elizabeth Jordan (Priscilla C. Shirer) who unfortunately is doomed to a life of misery due to her poor decisions in life. No, not the decision to marry a guy with a terrible temper and no respect for her; it’s the fact that she considers herself a “spiritual person” which to this movie’s target audience is right up there with “happy holidays” in terms of things people say inexplicable piss them off to no end. Her marriage is falling apart and while it’s almost entirely the verbally abusive and controlling douche bag’s fault (Tony Jordan played by T.C. Stallings), she’s not entirely without blame and seems intent on resent her husband instead of finding solutions for their problems. In comes Miss Clara who is trying to sell her house and has Elizabeth as her realtor. She seems to have the power to read minds which presumably was given to her by Jesus and can tell that Elizabeth is suffering over something. That or Elizabeth’s body language is easier to read than an actor in a Kabuki play. Miss Clara may not know yet what it is, but she sure as hell knows how to cure it! Will she get Elizabeth to see the power of Jesus which will help her fix her relationship? Will Tony ever stop being a bag of dicks to his family, which of course translates to finding Jesus? Will everything fall exactly into place for them once they start praying to God because he works on a Quid Pro Quo system!?

“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that! Just you wait!”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: War Room” →

Cinema Dispatch: We Are Your Friends

August 31, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

We Are Your Friends and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures

Directed by Max Joseph

How many music movies are we going to get this month!? Straight Outta Compton is still dominating the box office, Rikki and the Flash came out just before that, and now we have this movie about Electronica artist? Well while those movies were banking at least somewhat on nostalgia and music from decades ago that everyone’s familiar with, this one’s trying to be a bit more modern with a genre that while being around since at least the eighties, hasn’t become prominent in the mainstream until the last five or six years. Not only that, but the movie also has a fairly significant draw in Zac Efron who’s been really trying to stretch himself creatively in the last couple of years in order to distance himself from his Disney super star days, and has actually been succeeding for the most part. Are we getting another classic rise to stardom story with a fresh coat of paint, or is this going to be an unbearable slog despite it being about a genre of music that’s underrepresented in cinema despite its popularity in the pop world? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Cole (Zac Efron) who’s a struggling Electronica artist in the San Fernando Valley. Like most creative types, he spends half his time working on his trade and the other half not doing much else, but he clearly has a passion for what he does and has aspirations to be one of the best. His three friends are Mason, Ollie, and Squirrel (played by Jonny Weston, Shiloh Fernandez, and Alex Shaffer respectively), and they don’t seem to have much going on in their lives either. Much less in fact considering that aside from Shiloh Fernandez (who half-heartedly wants to be an actor), none of them even have much of a dream to be striving towards and are just running out the clock on their twenties. They’re all still young even if the actors are clearly pushing thirty, but they are reaching the point in their lives where they can’t keep goofing around and have to either commit to whatever goals they have or move on to something else. Opportunity comes a knocking for Cole as he finds himself chatting up another electronica artist called James (Wes Bently) who has indeed made it in the industry and the two of them become friends in a sort of mentor mentee relationship. As with all music stories though, there has to be something to strain the friendship and in this case it’s James’s assistant Sophie (Emily Ratajkowski) who Cole starts crushing on immediately despite her relationship with James outside of her role as his employee. Will Cole be able to handle the modicum of success that slowly starts to take form now that he knows someone in the industry who’s willing to give him a chance? Will everything fall apart because he’s a dumb ass twenty-something that refuses to find ANY other person to fall in love with? Will his friends… do other stuff?

“So do we get our own stories?” “Hey, whoa! Which of us was in High School Musical?” “You’re right Mr. Efron. I’m sorry for getting out of line…”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: We Are Your Friends” →

Cinema Dispatch: American Ultra

August 26, 2015August 29, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

American Ultra and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Nima Nourizadeh

Did someone finally remake Natural Born Killers? No? That sacred cow hasn’t been milked yet? Eh… give it time. Until then, we’ve got the next big film from Max Landis. No, he didn’t direct it. He wrote the movie and it’s his big follow up after Chronical, and we all know how well things turned out for the OTHER guy who made that movie! All joking aside, Chronical was one of the best examples of not only the found footage genre but the super hero genre as well. The story was complex and heartfelt while still being an exciting and unique take on portraying super powers in film. Can Max Landis pull off another hit with this film about a stoner sleeper agent, or will he be doomed to the same fate as Josh Trank whose sophomore slump is easily the biggest disaster of the year? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Mike Howell (Jesse Eisenberg) who’s some dipshit loser in West Virginia with a lousy job, a drug problem, and a condition where he has panic attacks whenever he tries to leave town. The only good thing the sad sack has going for him is his sad sack girlfriend Phoebe Larson (Kristen Stewart) who’s only slightly more functional than he is in that she doesn’t nearly burn the house down due to her own absent mindedness. Mike is certainly trying to do better by her, but this is a guy with no ambition and little imagination. Aside from his doodles about an astronaut ape, he barely gives off any signs of conscious thought other than guilt for being lucky enough to find Phoebe and the fact that she loves him just as much as he loves her. Of course, things aren’t as simple as they seem. Being a man child movie, our hero has to have some super ability that they didn’t really earn, and in this case it turns out that he’s actually a decommissioned CIA sleeper agent with skills to rival James Bond… despite being MAYBE twenty five (at least as far as the movie is trying to sell the premise as). Of course, being an unstoppable badass who ain’t doing shit to no one, some pencil pushing mother fucker (Adrian Yates played by Topher Grace) decides that Mike needs to be eliminated and sends out a bunch of goons to 86 the bastard. The original leader of the program that turned Jesse Eisenberg into teenage Terminator (Victoria Lassetter played by Connie Britton) gets wind of this and is doing what she can to keep him alive while he starts to remember the skills he had in the past. Can he survive these attempts on his life and get his girlfriend through this ordeal safely, or will the weight of these revelations be too much for him to handle?

“Can we not do this today? It’s been kind of weird around her lately…”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: American Ultra” →

Cinema Dispatch: Hitman: Agent 47

August 23, 2015September 4, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

Hitman: Agent 47 and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Aleksander Bach

Are we really back here again? Of ALL the video game franchises to get made into movies, of course we have to get ones based off a weak sauce Léon: The Professional. The Hitman games have always been fantastic and unique experiences which are the reasons why the series has endured for so long, but the story was never the selling point. Whatever lore was in those games just never connected with me and I never understood the point of making such a basic premise so complicated by including a cloning subplot and then an evil double at one point (I think) and whatever the hell else was going through IO Interactive’s heads when making those games. Not only that, but they already TRIED to make this work and it sure as hell didn’t the first time around. Why exactly are they bring THIS back to the silver screen when there are so many other games out there that aren’t already tainted by a poor adaptation? Could it be because they were genuinely inspired to do better this time around, or is it just another cynical cash grab off a recognizable franchise? Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with a brief history of who the Agents are and how they were created which is strike one against this film, but we’ll get to that later. Dr. Litvenko (Claran Hinds) basically made the Captain America Super Solider Serum for… reasons, and it leads directly to the Agent program which turns regular dudes (or clones maybe?) into unstoppable bad ass assassins who don’t feel emotion (*cough* bullshit *cough*) and always get the job done. Dr. Litvenko however fears His own creations, and runs away to never be seen again. The company who was bankrolling him is uber pissed and spends the next twenty years looking for him and the daughter he abandoned (because reasons) without much success despite having access to ALL the cameras ever, but maybe their progress is stalled because Agents (or maybe just 47 specifically, played here by Rupert Friend) are wrecking their shit on a regular basis. Eventually though the evil organization called The Syndicate (I see they’ve continued the trend of shitty group names in this series a la The Organization) finds the guy’s daughter who JUST SO HAPPENED to finally show up on a single security camera, and so they track her ass down in Germany.

“Good news sir! We finally found his daughter!” “WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR TWO DECADES!! YOU COULDN’T FIND HER ANY FASTER!?!?” “Oh I’m sorry! I’m not the ones who said to check EVERY SINGLE CAMERA ON PLANET EARTH!”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Hitman: Agent 47” →