Cinema Dispatch: The Transporter Refueled

September 7, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

The Transporter Refueled and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp

Directed by Camille Delamarre

So which one was it? Did Jason Statham become too expensive, or was Luc Besson too cheap to get him back? Well either way, we’ve got a brand new Transporter film in theaters with a much more affordable actor in the title role. Now this isn’t the first time the character has been portrayed by someone other than Jason Statham, what with a TV series that as far as I can tell is still being made, but instead of making a continuation of that series they decided to reboot the whole thing and have this be its own independent venture. Will they succeed in making The Transporter a household name for action films, or with this turn out to be yet another failure to revive a (presumably) beloved character on the big screen? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about The Transporter (Ed Skrein) who is a dude that handles his jobs like a pragmatic hooker. No names, no backstory, and every move is agreed upon ahead of time. While we don’t see him on a job before the plot of the movie kicks in, it’s clear that he’s a driver for whoever the hell needs his services. Politicians, celebrities, bank robbers, you name it. I wonder if he ever helped someone who committed a premeditated murder. Anyway, on top of being the best British driver in all of Europe (the movie takes place in France despite all the cars having their driver’s seat on the left side) he can also kick massive amounts of ass as he proves to us in the opening scene where a bunch of thugs try to strip his car. One question: After this dude in a suit manages to beat seven of your buddies to the curb, why do you think YOU will be the one to take him down? Sorry. I keep getting distracted here. The movie ACTUALLY begins in 1995 with a bunch of gangsters shooting up a bunch of prostitutes and pimps on a corner so that they can put their OWN working girls on that corner. That seems like A LOT of trouble to go through just for street hookers, but maybe they didn’t have escort services back then. After THAT scene, we jump ahead to the aforementioned beat down of the street thugs who piss off The Transporter which causes him to be late in picking up his dad (Ray Stevenson) who’s retiring from MI6 or whatever.

GOD DAMN!! When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!? Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?

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Cinema Dispatch: War Room

September 2, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 6 Comments

War Room and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures

Directed by Alex Kendrick

All this wholesomeness and yet there’s no Kirk Cameron in sight!? For those of you unaware, War Room is another film in the increasingly disturbing trend of movies that are one hundred percent Christian with a capital Christ! Now there have been some REALLY good movies that take their cues from religious text such as Darren Aronofsky’s wonderful adaptation of the Noah story, but that’s not the kind of movie we’re in for though, is it? We’re not here to learn about the text that has inspired so many people. We’re here to see how AWESOME Christians are because no group of people needs constant reassurances of their superiority more than the target audience of whatever the hell this is. Still, I’ve got to try and give it a fair shot. Will there be something in here that can appeal to those outside of its specific niche, or is this yet another awful and impenetrable piece of propaganda disguised as an actual movie? Let’s find out!!

War Room is the story of perfect wife Elizabeth Jordan (Priscilla C. Shirer) who unfortunately is doomed to a life of misery due to her poor decisions in life. No, not the decision to marry a guy with a terrible temper and no respect for her; it’s the fact that she considers herself a “spiritual person” which to this movie’s target audience is right up there with “happy holidays” in terms of things people say inexplicable piss them off to no end. Her marriage is falling apart and while it’s almost entirely the verbally abusive and controlling douche bag’s fault (Tony Jordan played by T.C. Stallings), she’s not entirely without blame and seems intent on resent her husband instead of finding solutions for their problems. In comes Miss Clara who is trying to sell her house and has Elizabeth as her realtor. She seems to have the power to read minds which presumably was given to her by Jesus and can tell that Elizabeth is suffering over something. That or Elizabeth’s body language is easier to read than an actor in a Kabuki play. Miss Clara may not know yet what it is, but she sure as hell knows how to cure it! Will she get Elizabeth to see the power of Jesus which will help her fix her relationship? Will Tony ever stop being a bag of dicks to his family, which of course translates to finding Jesus? Will everything fall exactly into place for them once they start praying to God because he works on a Quid Pro Quo system!?

“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that! Just you wait!”

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Cinema Dispatch: We Are Your Friends

August 31, 2015September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

We Are Your Friends and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures

Directed by Max Joseph

How many music movies are we going to get this month!? Straight Outta Compton is still dominating the box office, Rikki and the Flash came out just before that, and now we have this movie about Electronica artist? Well while those movies were banking at least somewhat on nostalgia and music from decades ago that everyone’s familiar with, this one’s trying to be a bit more modern with a genre that while being around since at least the eighties, hasn’t become prominent in the mainstream until the last five or six years. Not only that, but the movie also has a fairly significant draw in Zac Efron who’s been really trying to stretch himself creatively in the last couple of years in order to distance himself from his Disney super star days, and has actually been succeeding for the most part. Are we getting another classic rise to stardom story with a fresh coat of paint, or is this going to be an unbearable slog despite it being about a genre of music that’s underrepresented in cinema despite its popularity in the pop world? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Cole (Zac Efron) who’s a struggling Electronica artist in the San Fernando Valley. Like most creative types, he spends half his time working on his trade and the other half not doing much else, but he clearly has a passion for what he does and has aspirations to be one of the best. His three friends are Mason, Ollie, and Squirrel (played by Jonny Weston, Shiloh Fernandez, and Alex Shaffer respectively), and they don’t seem to have much going on in their lives either. Much less in fact considering that aside from Shiloh Fernandez (who half-heartedly wants to be an actor), none of them even have much of a dream to be striving towards and are just running out the clock on their twenties. They’re all still young even if the actors are clearly pushing thirty, but they are reaching the point in their lives where they can’t keep goofing around and have to either commit to whatever goals they have or move on to something else. Opportunity comes a knocking for Cole as he finds himself chatting up another electronica artist called James (Wes Bently) who has indeed made it in the industry and the two of them become friends in a sort of mentor mentee relationship. As with all music stories though, there has to be something to strain the friendship and in this case it’s James’s assistant Sophie (Emily Ratajkowski) who Cole starts crushing on immediately despite her relationship with James outside of her role as his employee. Will Cole be able to handle the modicum of success that slowly starts to take form now that he knows someone in the industry who’s willing to give him a chance? Will everything fall apart because he’s a dumb ass twenty-something that refuses to find ANY other person to fall in love with? Will his friends… do other stuff?

“So do we get our own stories?” “Hey, whoa! Which of us was in High School Musical?” “You’re right Mr. Efron. I’m sorry for getting out of line…”

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Cinema Dispatch: American Ultra

August 26, 2015August 29, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

American Ultra and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Nima Nourizadeh

Did someone finally remake Natural Born Killers? No? That sacred cow hasn’t been milked yet? Eh… give it time. Until then, we’ve got the next big film from Max Landis. No, he didn’t direct it. He wrote the movie and it’s his big follow up after Chronical, and we all know how well things turned out for the OTHER guy who made that movie! All joking aside, Chronical was one of the best examples of not only the found footage genre but the super hero genre as well. The story was complex and heartfelt while still being an exciting and unique take on portraying super powers in film. Can Max Landis pull off another hit with this film about a stoner sleeper agent, or will he be doomed to the same fate as Josh Trank whose sophomore slump is easily the biggest disaster of the year? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Mike Howell (Jesse Eisenberg) who’s some dipshit loser in West Virginia with a lousy job, a drug problem, and a condition where he has panic attacks whenever he tries to leave town. The only good thing the sad sack has going for him is his sad sack girlfriend Phoebe Larson (Kristen Stewart) who’s only slightly more functional than he is in that she doesn’t nearly burn the house down due to her own absent mindedness. Mike is certainly trying to do better by her, but this is a guy with no ambition and little imagination. Aside from his doodles about an astronaut ape, he barely gives off any signs of conscious thought other than guilt for being lucky enough to find Phoebe and the fact that she loves him just as much as he loves her. Of course, things aren’t as simple as they seem. Being a man child movie, our hero has to have some super ability that they didn’t really earn, and in this case it turns out that he’s actually a decommissioned CIA sleeper agent with skills to rival James Bond… despite being MAYBE twenty five (at least as far as the movie is trying to sell the premise as). Of course, being an unstoppable badass who ain’t doing shit to no one, some pencil pushing mother fucker (Adrian Yates played by Topher Grace) decides that Mike needs to be eliminated and sends out a bunch of goons to 86 the bastard. The original leader of the program that turned Jesse Eisenberg into teenage Terminator (Victoria Lassetter played by Connie Britton) gets wind of this and is doing what she can to keep him alive while he starts to remember the skills he had in the past. Can he survive these attempts on his life and get his girlfriend through this ordeal safely, or will the weight of these revelations be too much for him to handle?

“Can we not do this today? It’s been kind of weird around her lately…”

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Cinema Dispatch: Hitman: Agent 47

August 23, 2015September 4, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

Hitman: Agent 47 and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Aleksander Bach

Are we really back here again? Of ALL the video game franchises to get made into movies, of course we have to get ones based off a weak sauce Léon: The Professional. The Hitman games have always been fantastic and unique experiences which are the reasons why the series has endured for so long, but the story was never the selling point. Whatever lore was in those games just never connected with me and I never understood the point of making such a basic premise so complicated by including a cloning subplot and then an evil double at one point (I think) and whatever the hell else was going through IO Interactive’s heads when making those games. Not only that, but they already TRIED to make this work and it sure as hell didn’t the first time around. Why exactly are they bring THIS back to the silver screen when there are so many other games out there that aren’t already tainted by a poor adaptation? Could it be because they were genuinely inspired to do better this time around, or is it just another cynical cash grab off a recognizable franchise? Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with a brief history of who the Agents are and how they were created which is strike one against this film, but we’ll get to that later. Dr. Litvenko (Claran Hinds) basically made the Captain America Super Solider Serum for… reasons, and it leads directly to the Agent program which turns regular dudes (or clones maybe?) into unstoppable bad ass assassins who don’t feel emotion (*cough* bullshit *cough*) and always get the job done. Dr. Litvenko however fears His own creations, and runs away to never be seen again. The company who was bankrolling him is uber pissed and spends the next twenty years looking for him and the daughter he abandoned (because reasons) without much success despite having access to ALL the cameras ever, but maybe their progress is stalled because Agents (or maybe just 47 specifically, played here by Rupert Friend) are wrecking their shit on a regular basis. Eventually though the evil organization called The Syndicate (I see they’ve continued the trend of shitty group names in this series a la The Organization) finds the guy’s daughter who JUST SO HAPPENED to finally show up on a single security camera, and so they track her ass down in Germany.

“Good news sir! We finally found his daughter!” “WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR TWO DECADES!! YOU COULDN’T FIND HER ANY FASTER!?!?” “Oh I’m sorry! I’m not the ones who said to check EVERY SINGLE CAMERA ON PLANET EARTH!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Straight Outta Compton

August 20, 2015September 8, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Straight Outta Compton and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by F Gary Gray

Does this count as the beginning of Oscar season? I mean we ARE in August and this is a biopic about famous yet controversial musicians! What more could the academy be looking for!? This retelling of the history of NWA directed by F Gary Gray (because who the hell else would you get to direct this) has gotten a lot of buzz recently and is already a certifiable smash hit at the box office with an opening weekend of over SIXTY MILLION which is nearly unheard of for a rated R movie. So what is it about this movie that’s gotten so many people’s attention? Is it the controversial nature of its subjects? Maybe it’s out of pure nostalgia that people are checking out this movie about a rap group from the nineties. That basically how Dragon Ball Z managed to make it in the top ten on a limited release. Well for whatever reason this movie has connected with the movie going public, the question remains as to whether or not it’s any good, especially considering that the movie is produced by the people it’s portraying which can be a bad sign for any biopic. Does this manage to be a fascinating examination of America’s scariest musicians, or will it be an endless parade of self-congratulations for a bunch of guys who have long outlived their relevance? Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with our three principal players Eazy-E (Jason Mitchell), Dr. Dre (Corey Hawkins), and Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson Jr) living their lives in Compton California and writing music whenever they have some free time. After one of their songs hits it big on the local stations, they get the attention of a music manager (Jerry Heller played by Paul Giamatti) who puts them on the fast track to stardom and we watch the rise of one of America’s most notorious musical acts become legendary and the behind the scenes conflicts that eventually led to their downfall.

“We’ll start with a cover of Staying Alive, and then we can do that police song if we have time afterwards.”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

August 16, 2015September 9, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures

Directed by Guy Ritchie

We get a movie based on this show, and yet I STILL can’t get a Hogan’s Heroes reboot!? It looks the Hollywood remake machine is going all the way back to the Cold War with this re-imagining of a series that was made well before Rocky solved the Cold War by kicking Dolph Lundgren’s ass. I’ve never seen the show before, but a good old fashioned spy thriller in the vain of From Russia with Love would be a nice change of pace from the other stylish spy flicks we’ve been getting recently. Not only that, but having Guy Ritchie at the helm of something set in an era that’s known for its unique brand of style seems like a perfect pairing of director and film, so there’s plenty to look forward to here. Still, you can’t say that Guy Ritchie has been one to look at for great stories which is pretty evident by his PREVIOUS adaptations of a popular series that didn’t take long to go completely off the rails. Will this be a return to form for the venerable director, or is this just another weak outing from a guy who never learns from his mistakes? Let’s find out!!

The movie begins in early 1960’s Germany with American Super Spy Napoleon Solo (Henry Cavill) making his way to East Berlin. His mission is to get a local mechanic (Gaby Teller played by Alicia Vikander) to assist him in finding her father who was a former Nazi nuclear scientist and has recently gone missing. The mission is fairly simple. Convince Gaby to help the US and sneak her out of East Berlin. Things get complicated however when Soviet Super Spy Illya Kuryakin (Armie Hammer) is acutely aware of what’s going on and tries everything in his power to stop the duo from crossing the border into West Berlin. Fortunately for the good old Stars and Stripes, Solo succeeds in his mission leaving the not so good old Hammer and Sickle twisting in the wind. Except not really! For some reason, the Soviet government and the US government decide to work together to find Gaby’s father, so now Solo and Illya have to work together to stop whatever scheme he, or possibly his kidnappers, are planning. So wait, they couldn’t come to an agreement to work together until AFTER Solo and Illya tear their way through East Berlin? Wouldn’t that have complicated any ongoing negotiations? Oh well, at least we now have our premise. It’s a spy action-comedy with the tension between Solo and Illya working for opposing sides in the Cold War informing much of the comedic strife and genuine tension throughout the movie.

“At least my country hasn’t sold its soul to the false idols of capitalistic enterprises.” “I’m sure your people feel oh so superior as they eat their potato soup and die in the Gulag.” “CAN THE BOTH OF YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!?!?”

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Cinema Dispatch: Trailer Talk (The Hateful Eight)

August 14, 2015August 14, 2015 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Oh goody! We’re getting another Quinten Tarantino film! Who wants to bet that it’ll be a very well made throwback to films from his youth that will get half the critics to praise him unendingly and the other half to dismiss him as a stunted artist that’s gotten quite long in the tooth? Personally, I tend to fall into the former category, but I can understand the latter’s frustration with the guy’s output recently. I wouldn’t mind if he goes ahead and does something RADICALLY different from what he’s been doing so far but even if he sticks to the same old tricks, he’s still the undisputed champ of these kinds of films. So with that said, what can we gleam from the first trailer of his latest magnum opus? Let’s find out!!

The trailer begins with Samuel L Jackson sitting on a pile of bodies in the middle of a snowy road as Kurt Russel’s stagecoach approaches, and I guess he joins Kurt Russel for… some reason. They’re both bounty hunters and Kurt Russell has his latest perp handcuffed to him in the form of Daisy Domergue (Jennifer Jason Leigh) who’s charged with murder and will hang once she’s delivered. From there, the plot isn’t TOO hard to guess, but the trailer makes it kind of hard to understand what is going on. I’m assuming the hateful eight will consist of Kurt Russell (playing John ‘The Hangman’ Ruth), Samuel L Jackson (playing Major Marquis Warren), and the remaining character actors who show up in the trailer, and they’ll all be waiting out a terrible blizzard in this one building. However, Kurt Russell knows for sure that one of them is actually a traitor and is after something (most likely Daisy), so the film will be about praying on one’s paranoia with the characters constantly checking over their shoulders and looking for the rat in the midst.

“Wait, so my character’s gonna get killed?” “You’re the youngest one here. Of course you’re not going to make it out of the movie alive.” “Do I at least get a heroic death?” “Nope.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Mr. Holmes

August 11, 2015September 8, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Mr. Holmes and all the images you see in this review are owned by Miramax and Roadside Attractions

Directed by Bill Condon

What is this!? A movie in the summer with explosions!? A period piece right in the middle of this year’s boom-a-thon!? Well this actually has a bit going for it that might explain why it’s being released now instead of in a couple of months, other than trying not to get crowded out during the Oscar months. It’s about Sherlock Holmes who couldn’t be bigger right now what with the BBC and CBS shows still kicking around. Not only that, we have genre super star Ian McKellen in the title role and it’s being directed by Bill Condon who has a BIT of a shaky career (he directed the best AND worst Twilight movies) but still has a lot of credibility for earlier works like God and Monsters and Dreamgirls. So either it’s get a jump start on Oscar season by trying to muscle in with the big boys, or it’s hoping to come out before any less than stellar comparisons can be made once the summer ends. Which one is it? Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Sherlock Holmes (Ian McKellen) who is getting up in years (ninety-three and counting!) and has spent quite a few of his twilight years in seclusion from the rest of the world. After just arriving home from a trip to Japan (it’s 1947 so it’s not that long after the bombs dropped), he begins to form a bond with the son of his housekeeper and they grow to enjoy each other company as Sherlock is looking for someone to spend his final days with and the young boy (Roger) is looking for a father figure since his own died in World War 2. Along with his growing friendship with young Roger (Milo Parker), he also tries some remedies he brought back from Japan in order to help his memory which has been fading recently and he wishes to recall more details about the final case which apparently went unsolved and caused him to retire. What were the circumstances surrounding this case? Will he find joy in his remaining time on Earth through Roger who seems to be quite quick witted like himself? Will solving this final case finally bring about the peace that has been absent from his life for so very long?

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Cinema Dispatch: Fantastic Four

August 8, 2015September 2, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 9 Comments

Fantastic Four and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Josh Trank

Look, you all knew this movie would be bad, right? The negative press coming out of the screenings for this was fucking insane and there’s no way it’s gonna be a hit. It MIGHT make some cash its first weekend, there isn’t a ghost of a chance that it survives into next week. That’s not what you want to know though. The box office totals are secondary to the quality of the actual film, and you’re ALL here to take a safe glimpse into the utter madness that many of us had to suffer through. Well never let it be said that I’m not about giving the reader what they want, so step right up as I take you through this modern day monstrosity!

The movie is about super genius Reed Richards (Miles Teller) who is discovered during a science fair by Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E Cathey) who is the father of Johnny Storm (Michael B Jordan) and Sue Storm (Kate Mara). Franklin offers Reed a full scholarship in exchange for working at his lab on a teleporter that can send organic matter between dimensions, which Reed eagerly accepts. With the help of another protégée of Franklin’s, Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell), they build said teleporter, but it backfires and gives Reed, Johnny, Sue, Victor, and Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell) who is Reed’s best friend, superpowers. Will they use these powers for good, or will their actions lead to the destruction of Earth?

Will they EVER find a way to make a movie out of these characters!? It can’t be THAT hard, right!?

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