Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media
Episode directed by Harume Kosaka
Oh good! I was hoping we’d run into some dated nineties storylines at some point! We all knew we were going to reach this point eventually. You can go back to pretty much anything from any time period and find stuff that’s woefully outdated, especially when you think of how fast things have changed with the onset of social media. Still, we can allow ourselves to overlook some less than ideal moments if everything else in the episode manages to pick up the slack. Can this episode succeed despite it’s less than precise handling of the subject matter? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with Usagi realizing that she gained a few pounds since her last weigh-in and she’s having a panic attack over it. Rather than her parents telling her that it isn’t a big deal or Luna telling her the weight she gained is probably due to the muscle she’s built since starting her career as a warrior for justice, everyone around her gives her shit about it. Her parents TRY to reassure her but fail miserably at it, and Luna seems intent on giving her Body Dysmorphia!
“I’m thinking Sailor Chubs. Fatty Moon maybe? I could really use your input here Usagi!”
Sonic the Hedgehog and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Archie Comics and Sega of America
(August 1993)
Well THIS is certainly something new! Normally I stick to movies and TV shows, but I’ve been on a bit of a Sonic the Hedgehog kick recently and I figured there’s SOME way to share this recent interest with all of you. I don’t have the courage to do a recap series for Sonic X (yet) so for now, we’ll take a look at the comic book series which has been running for over twenty years! SERIOUSLY!! This particular book (Sonic the Hedgehog) has been running since 1993!! Well we clearly have plenty of material to work with, so we might as well just jump right in with the first issue!!
So how did they decide to begin their comic about a child friendly mascot fighting a robot master? With our hero getting lynched of course!!
“Let’s see how fast your neck can snap!!” “URG GURG BLERG!!!”
The Transporter Refueled and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp
Directed by Camille Delamarre
So which one was it? Did Jason Statham become too expensive, or was Luc Besson too cheap to get him back? Well either way, we’ve got a brand new Transporter film in theaters with a much more affordable actor in the title role. Now this isn’t the first time the character has been portrayed by someone other than Jason Statham, what with a TV series that as far as I can tell is still being made, but instead of making a continuation of that series they decided to reboot the whole thing and have this be its own independent venture. Will they succeed in making The Transporter a household name for action films, or with this turn out to be yet another failure to revive a (presumably) beloved character on the big screen? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about The Transporter (Ed Skrein) who is a dude that handles his jobs like a pragmatic hooker. No names, no backstory, and every move is agreed upon ahead of time. While we don’t see him on a job before the plot of the movie kicks in, it’s clear that he’s a driver for whoever the hell needs his services. Politicians, celebrities, bank robbers, you name it. I wonder if he ever helped someone who committed a premeditated murder. Anyway, on top of being the best British driver in all of Europe (the movie takes place in France despite all the cars having their driver’s seat on the left side) he can also kick massive amounts of ass as he proves to us in the opening scene where a bunch of thugs try to strip his car. One question: After this dude in a suit manages to beat seven of your buddies to the curb, why do you think YOU will be the one to take him down? Sorry. I keep getting distracted here. The movie ACTUALLY begins in 1995 with a bunch of gangsters shooting up a bunch of prostitutes and pimps on a corner so that they can put their OWN working girls on that corner. That seems like A LOT of trouble to go through just for street hookers, but maybe they didn’t have escort services back then. After THAT scene, we jump ahead to the aforementioned beat down of the street thugs who piss off The Transporter which causes him to be late in picking up his dad (Ray Stevenson) who’s retiring from MI6 or whatever.
GOD DAMN!! When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!? Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?
War Room and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures
Directed by Alex Kendrick
All this wholesomeness and yet there’s no Kirk Cameron in sight!? For those of you unaware, War Room is another film in the increasingly disturbing trend of movies that are one hundred percent Christian with a capital Christ! Now there have been some REALLY good movies that take their cues from religious text such as Darren Aronofsky’s wonderful adaptation of the Noah story, but that’s not the kind of movie we’re in for though, is it? We’re not here to learn about the text that has inspired so many people. We’re here to see how AWESOME Christians are because no group of people needs constant reassurances of their superiority more than the target audience of whatever the hell this is. Still, I’ve got to try and give it a fair shot. Will there be something in here that can appeal to those outside of its specific niche, or is this yet another awful and impenetrable piece of propaganda disguised as an actual movie? Let’s find out!!
War Room is the story of perfect wife Elizabeth Jordan (Priscilla C. Shirer) who unfortunately is doomed to a life of misery due to her poor decisions in life. No, not the decision to marry a guy with a terrible temper and no respect for her; it’s the fact that she considers herself a “spiritual person” which to this movie’s target audience is right up there with “happy holidays” in terms of things people say inexplicable piss them off to no end. Her marriage is falling apart and while it’s almost entirely the verbally abusive and controlling douche bag’s fault (Tony Jordan played by T.C. Stallings), she’s not entirely without blame and seems intent on resent her husband instead of finding solutions for their problems. In comes Miss Clara who is trying to sell her house and has Elizabeth as her realtor. She seems to have the power to read minds which presumably was given to her by Jesus and can tell that Elizabeth is suffering over something. That or Elizabeth’s body language is easier to read than an actor in a Kabuki play. Miss Clara may not know yet what it is, but she sure as hell knows how to cure it! Will she get Elizabeth to see the power of Jesus which will help her fix her relationship? Will Tony ever stop being a bag of dicks to his family, which of course translates to finding Jesus? Will everything fall exactly into place for them once they start praying to God because he works on a Quid Pro Quo system!?
“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that! Just you wait!”
We Are Your Friends and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures
Directed by Max Joseph
How many music movies are we going to get this month!? Straight Outta Compton is still dominating the box office, Rikki and the Flash came out just before that, and now we have this movie about Electronica artist? Well while those movies were banking at least somewhat on nostalgia and music from decades ago that everyone’s familiar with, this one’s trying to be a bit more modern with a genre that while being around since at least the eighties, hasn’t become prominent in the mainstream until the last five or six years. Not only that, but the movie also has a fairly significant draw in Zac Efron who’s been really trying to stretch himself creatively in the last couple of years in order to distance himself from his Disney super star days, and has actually been succeeding for the most part. Are we getting another classic rise to stardom story with a fresh coat of paint, or is this going to be an unbearable slog despite it being about a genre of music that’s underrepresented in cinema despite its popularity in the pop world? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about Cole (Zac Efron) who’s a struggling Electronica artist in the San Fernando Valley. Like most creative types, he spends half his time working on his trade and the other half not doing much else, but he clearly has a passion for what he does and has aspirations to be one of the best. His three friends are Mason, Ollie, and Squirrel (played by Jonny Weston, Shiloh Fernandez, and Alex Shaffer respectively), and they don’t seem to have much going on in their lives either. Much less in fact considering that aside from Shiloh Fernandez (who half-heartedly wants to be an actor), none of them even have much of a dream to be striving towards and are just running out the clock on their twenties. They’re all still young even if the actors are clearly pushing thirty, but they are reaching the point in their lives where they can’t keep goofing around and have to either commit to whatever goals they have or move on to something else. Opportunity comes a knocking for Cole as he finds himself chatting up another electronica artist called James (Wes Bently) who has indeed made it in the industry and the two of them become friends in a sort of mentor mentee relationship. As with all music stories though, there has to be something to strain the friendship and in this case it’s James’s assistant Sophie (Emily Ratajkowski) who Cole starts crushing on immediately despite her relationship with James outside of her role as his employee. Will Cole be able to handle the modicum of success that slowly starts to take form now that he knows someone in the industry who’s willing to give him a chance? Will everything fall apart because he’s a dumb ass twenty-something that refuses to find ANY other person to fall in love with? Will his friends… do other stuff?
“So do we get our own stories?” “Hey, whoa! Which of us was in High School Musical?” “You’re right Mr. Efron. I’m sorry for getting out of line…”
Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media
Episode directed by Kazuhisa Takenouchi
We’re back with another episode of Sailor Moon Origins! The last episode was by no means perfect, but it did show that just because they weren’t working directly from a story in the manga doesn’t mean they can’t make the filler in this show enjoyable. Can this episode keep up with the level of quality we saw last time around, or are we already headed for a downward spiral until Sailor Mercury shows up in this? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with Jadeite’s performance review in which he embellishes his accomplishments I’m the last two episodes.
“Our energy collection efforts are up three percent!” “You lost two highly trained demons in the process.” “I like to think of it as creating new openings for fresh-faced monsters to hone their skills and become valuable members of our organization!”
American Ultra and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate
Directed by Nima Nourizadeh
Did someone finally remake Natural Born Killers? No? That sacred cow hasn’t been milked yet? Eh… give it time. Until then, we’ve got the next big film from Max Landis. No, he didn’t direct it. He wrote the movie and it’s his big follow up after Chronical, and we all know how well things turned out for the OTHER guy who made that movie! All joking aside, Chronical was one of the best examples of not only the found footage genre but the super hero genre as well. The story was complex and heartfelt while still being an exciting and unique take on portraying super powers in film. Can Max Landis pull off another hit with this film about a stoner sleeper agent, or will he be doomed to the same fate as Josh Trank whose sophomore slump is easily the biggest disaster of the year? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about Mike Howell (Jesse Eisenberg) who’s some dipshit loser in West Virginia with a lousy job, a drug problem, and a condition where he has panic attacks whenever he tries to leave town. The only good thing the sad sack has going for him is his sad sack girlfriend Phoebe Larson (Kristen Stewart) who’s only slightly more functional than he is in that she doesn’t nearly burn the house down due to her own absent mindedness. Mike is certainly trying to do better by her, but this is a guy with no ambition and little imagination. Aside from his doodles about an astronaut ape, he barely gives off any signs of conscious thought other than guilt for being lucky enough to find Phoebe and the fact that she loves him just as much as he loves her. Of course, things aren’t as simple as they seem. Being a man child movie, our hero has to have some super ability that they didn’t really earn, and in this case it turns out that he’s actually a decommissioned CIA sleeper agent with skills to rival James Bond… despite being MAYBE twenty five (at least as far as the movie is trying to sell the premise as). Of course, being an unstoppable badass who ain’t doing shit to no one, some pencil pushing mother fucker (Adrian Yates played by Topher Grace) decides that Mike needs to be eliminated and sends out a bunch of goons to 86 the bastard. The original leader of the program that turned Jesse Eisenberg into teenage Terminator (Victoria Lassetter played by Connie Britton) gets wind of this and is doing what she can to keep him alive while he starts to remember the skills he had in the past. Can he survive these attempts on his life and get his girlfriend through this ordeal safely, or will the weight of these revelations be too much for him to handle?
“Can we not do this today? It’s been kind of weird around her lately…”
Hitman: Agent 47 and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox
Directed by Aleksander Bach
Are we really back here again? Of ALL the video game franchises to get made into movies, of course we have to get ones based off a weak sauce Léon: The Professional. The Hitman games have always been fantastic and unique experiences which are the reasons why the series has endured for so long, but the story was never the selling point. Whatever lore was in those games just never connected with me and I never understood the point of making such a basic premise so complicated by including a cloning subplot and then an evil double at one point (I think) and whatever the hell else was going through IO Interactive’s heads when making those games. Not only that, but they already TRIED to make this work and it sure as hell didn’t the first time around. Why exactly are they bring THIS back to the silver screen when there are so many other games out there that aren’t already tainted by a poor adaptation? Could it be because they were genuinely inspired to do better this time around, or is it just another cynical cash grab off a recognizable franchise? Let’s find out!!
The movie begins with a brief history of who the Agents are and how they were created which is strike one against this film, but we’ll get to that later. Dr. Litvenko (Claran Hinds) basically made the Captain America Super Solider Serum for… reasons, and it leads directly to the Agent program which turns regular dudes (or clones maybe?) into unstoppable bad ass assassins who don’t feel emotion (*cough* bullshit *cough*) and always get the job done. Dr. Litvenko however fears His own creations, and runs away to never be seen again. The company who was bankrolling him is uber pissed and spends the next twenty years looking for him and the daughter he abandoned (because reasons) without much success despite having access to ALL the cameras ever, but maybe their progress is stalled because Agents (or maybe just 47 specifically, played here by Rupert Friend) are wrecking their shit on a regular basis. Eventually though the evil organization called The Syndicate (I see they’ve continued the trend of shitty group names in this series a la The Organization) finds the guy’s daughter who JUST SO HAPPENED to finally show up on a single security camera, and so they track her ass down in Germany.
“Good news sir! We finally found his daughter!” “WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR TWO DECADES!! YOU COULDN’T FIND HER ANY FASTER!?!?” “Oh I’m sorry! I’m not the ones who said to check EVERY SINGLE CAMERA ON PLANET EARTH!”
Straight Outta Compton and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures
Directed by F Gary Gray
Does this count as the beginning of Oscar season? I mean we ARE in August and this is a biopic about famous yet controversial musicians! What more could the academy be looking for!? This retelling of the history of NWA directed by F Gary Gray (because who the hell else would you get to direct this) has gotten a lot of buzz recently and is already a certifiable smash hit at the box office with an opening weekend of over SIXTY MILLION which is nearly unheard of for a rated R movie. So what is it about this movie that’s gotten so many people’s attention? Is it the controversial nature of its subjects? Maybe it’s out of pure nostalgia that people are checking out this movie about a rap group from the nineties. That basically how Dragon Ball Z managed to make it in the top ten on a limited release. Well for whatever reason this movie has connected with the movie going public, the question remains as to whether or not it’s any good, especially considering that the movie is produced by the people it’s portraying which can be a bad sign for any biopic. Does this manage to be a fascinating examination of America’s scariest musicians, or will it be an endless parade of self-congratulations for a bunch of guys who have long outlived their relevance? Let’s find out!!
The movie begins with our three principal players Eazy-E (Jason Mitchell), Dr. Dre (Corey Hawkins), and Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson Jr) living their lives in Compton California and writing music whenever they have some free time. After one of their songs hits it big on the local stations, they get the attention of a music manager (Jerry Heller played by Paul Giamatti) who puts them on the fast track to stardom and we watch the rise of one of America’s most notorious musical acts become legendary and the behind the scenes conflicts that eventually led to their downfall.
“We’ll start with a cover of Staying Alive, and then we can do that police song if we have time afterwards.”
Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection ‘F’ and all the images you see in this review are owned by Toei Company, 20th Century Fox, and Funimation
Directed by Tadayoshi Yamamuro
We’re finally back with a review of the second movie in the Dragon Ball revival franchise! With the success of Battle of Gods more or less leading to a Dragon Ball renaissance (I bet Toriyamas’s getting some SERIOUS Zeni out of this), they decided to make one more movie to set us up for the release of Dragon Ball Super! Well… at least they did it that way in Japan. SERIOUSLY FUNIMATION!? No word on Dragon Ball Super in the US yet? Well at least the released the second movie here, but it is any good? Does going back to the DBZ well to drag this villain out of retirement end up making a fun throwback to the glory days of this mighty series, or a self-satisfied victory lap for the endless mountains of cash Toei is about to rake in with their number one franchise back? Let’s find out!!
The movie begins with the remnants of Frieza’s (or was it his Dad’s?) intergalactic empire trying to maintain their stranglehold on the galaxy. Without any of their former leaders however, things are beginning to look grim as their forces continue to dwindle and the people they attempt to enslave are more and more successful in their organized resistance. Some little blue mother fucker (Sorbet because why the hell not) is now the leader and has finally decided that the only way to restore the empire to its former glory is to bring Frieza back to life. How you may ask? With Dragon Balls of course!!
“I am the eternal MacGuffin! What can I do to move the plot forward?”
The Reviewers Unite 