Cinema Dispatch: Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

July 9, 2016September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Jake Szymanski

We all love Zac Efron, right? Sure there was a point where everyone inexplicably hated him the same way that everyone hated DiCaprio after Titanic, but the guy is just bursting with charisma when he’s not merely bursting out of his clothes. Still, he’s hit a bit of a rut recently where he’s either in an awful movie or he’s in a decent enough movie but isn’t asked to stretch very far, and I fear this might continue for a while considering how badly his sincere low budget drama We Are Your Friends ended up being received by everyone other than me. This one looks to be a continuation of that trend where he’s playing yet another dumb guy with a stupidly hot bod, though maybe they can manage to do something interesting with that character rather than just regurgitate jokes we’ve seen him do for the last five years? Yeah, I don’t have much hope either, but you never know! Let’s find out!!

The movie is all about Mike and Dave (Zac Efron and Adam Devine); two brothers who may as well be spin-off characters from the Neighbors movies as both are in total broski mode as they are PROBABLY in their thirties by now (their age isn’t specified) yet are still trying to live life like they’re college douche bags. They’re liquor salesmen but as far as I can tell they only have one client who buys their whiskey out of pity, and their apartment looks like the jock-pocalypse took place, what with the empty pizza boxes and indoor basketball hoop. Their bubble is about to burst though, at least somewhat, they are confronted by their parents and younger sister Jeanie (Sugar Lyn Beard) who’s wedding is coming up and all of them, including the fiancé Eric (Sam Richardson), want them to shape up and act like adults rather than party animals. How exactly do they expect these two knuckleheads to pull this off? By getting dates of course! Through a whole bunch of convoluted means, they end up meeting Alice and Tatiana (Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza), who are pretending to be nice and stable girls so they can bum a free vacation off of these two as the wedding will take place in Hawaii; a destination I’m sure was chosen for its natural beauty and rich culture and wasn’t an excuse for the actors to take a vacation (a well-known Hollywood scam known as An Adam Sandler Movie). Of course, the bad girls can’t keep up the act for long which only leads to Mike and Dave getting all riled up and chaos eventually ensues! Can everyone manage to keep their shit together, at least until after the two get married? Will these four people thrown together through luck and manipulation manage to find… true love? Why would the supposedly reasonable people ever think that this plan would work out?

MADNWDCD1 — “We managed to find two people who wanted to go to Hawaii for free!” “And we’ve only known them for a couple of days!” “This was an AWESOME idea!” “Pound it bro!”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 27 (Crushing On Ami: The Boy Who Can See the Future)

July 7, 2016July 20, 2016 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Takao Yoshizawa

We’re back with another episode of Japanese Rainbow Brite! So far the Rainbow Crystal arc has actually been pretty solid with stories that focus more on characters and the other Scouts rather than only Usagi fighting whatever overly designed punching bag the bad guys see fit to throw at her. It really seems to be what the Nephrite era SHOULD have been but didn’t really manage to live up to. Can the show continue to make the most out of what can be accomplished with the new arc they’ve set up? Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with a meeting in the bowels of Hell Corp as Queen Beryl is demanding a progress report from Zoisite and Kunzite; neither of whom have much to show for their efforts as Zoisite managed to lose one of the Rainbow Crystals and Kunzite hasn’t done shit.

SM27-1 — “I assure you my queen that we are doing everything in our power to get the Rainbow Crystals.” “Do I look like an idiot to you?” “I beg your pardon.” “It’s a simple question. When you look at my face, do you think that it belongs to that of an idiot?” “…No?” “Then why are you lying to me as if I don’t know how often you update your Facebook page?” “…Well, I mean…” “SEVENTEEN UPDATES IN ONE HOUR, KUNZITE!!”

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Super Recaps: The Twilight Zone (Night Route)

July 4, 2016June 11, 2019 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

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The Twilight Zone and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Warner Bros Television and based on the series created by Rod Serling

Episode directed by Jean de Segonzac

We’re back with another episode of The Forest Whitaker Monologues! Now that we’ve made it through the pilot, it’s time for this series to start in earnest! Is this going to be one of the good episodes, or will this be one of the FUN episodes? Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with a woman named Melina Kroner (Ione Skye) walking her dog at night when she’s nearly hit by a car. Presumably this event will NOT go unnoticed by THE TWILIGHT ZONE and sure enough she’s immediately sidled up to by a creepy ass bus whose driver (Art Kitching from Supernatural) is practically begging her to step aboard. The dog seems to want to get on, but she just holds the leash firm and turns away from it. When she looks back… the bus is GONE! So she’s dead, right? That’s the twist. I’m putting my money down RIGHT NOW that that is gonna be the twist.

TTZ2-1 — “Night Bus to Mundo Fine! Night Bus to the end!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Swiss Army Man

July 4, 2016September 8, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Swiss Army Man and all the images you see in this review are owned by A24

Directed by Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert

From the guys who brought us Dogboarding and the Turn Down for What music video, we now have the feature film debut of the duo simply known as DANIELS (Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert). A lot of great filmmakers started out with shorts and music videos before becoming household names, just look at Spike Jones, David Fincher, and Michel Gondry. True, that list also includes Michael Bay, but you can’t peg a winner EVERY time, and it’s not like he’s never made ANY good movies! Can these green filmmakers prove themselves to be the next big thing with their movie about a farting Daniel Radcliffe corpse? Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with Hank (Paul Dano) who’s been stuck on a very small island for some time and is ready to kill himself when something washes up on the shore. It’s not Wilson from Castaway, but instead is a dead body (Daniel Radcliffe) who seems to have the uncanny ability to fart continuously and forcefully enough for Hank to ride his ass back to civilization! Well sort of. He hops aboard the Daniel Radcliffe express and washes up on a new shore, but there’s a forest between him and presumably other people, so he starts hiking his ass through the woods carrying the dead body with him in case he needs anything else from it. At one point though, it’s clear that this is more than a magical farting corpse, but is instead a LIVING magical farting corpse who actually has all sorts of wacky powers that are discovered along the way. Hank gives him the name Manny and they quickly become friends because… well there isn’t anyone else around, now is there? Manny by the way has a whole lot of questions about what it’s like to be human and about life itself, so Hank has to keep answering these annoying and probing inquires while he uses the body to get whatever he needs to survive. Is the body actually alive which would mean Hank isn’t as crazy as he thinks he is? What is the story behind Manny in the first place and are there memories to be uncovered? Were the filmmakers dared to see how many fart jokes they can put in a movie and STILL get it to be an indie darling?

SAMCD1 — “Fart you magnificent bastard! Fart us all the way to FREEDOM!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Legend of Tarzan

July 3, 2016September 9, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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The Legend of Tarzan and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by David Yates

I had no idea this movie was even coming out until maybe a month or two ago, and it seems like the studio wants it that way. They’ve been trying to get a live action Tarzan movie out since AT LEAST 2003 (probably to capitalize on the Disney film) and you can really tell that this shit was cobbled together from a production that’s been willed into existence by sheer stubbornness at the refusal to let a bad idea (or at least a good idea with no good way to bring it to life) just go away and to work on something else. Still, the Disney movie WAS pretty good and he’s a character that’s endured for over a hundred years now as he was a creation of Edgar Rice Burroughs; the king of badass genre stories. Do they manage to eke out an enjoyable action flick from this timeless source material, or will this suffer the same fate as the Conan remake and John Carter which were the last two Burroughs adaptations? Let’s find out!!

A quick refresher on the story of Tarzan that we all know (as told by Phil Collins). AHEM! A paradise untouched by man; a simple life, the apes lived in peace. But dangers are in fact no stranger here! The son of man known as Tarzan is taken in by the apes after his parents are killed, but in this version it’s actually the apes that killed his dad… so I guess that makes things a bit awkward here. Despite that; the power to be strong, the wisdom to be wise, all these things came to him in time during his journey from boy to man! But in time he ALSO wanted to know about these strangers like him. One stranger in particular was Jane Porter whose every gesture and every move she made in turn made Tarzan feel like never before, and soon he had this growing need to be beside her. Now if you only know the story from the Disney Movie (pretty much anyone born after 1990 and are HOPEFULLY getting all these clever jokes I’m making), you all know that his story ends with Jane staying with him in the jungle. Not true here (and in pretty much every other version of the story from my understanding) as he goes to some other world far beyond that place; namely England. Thankfully this brings me to the ACTUAL movie I’m talking about (also meaning I can stop quoting Phil Collins lyrics) which involves a domesticated Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) who’s being asked by the British government to go to back to his home (The Congo) for… some reason. Actually, I’m not sure why Jim Broadbent (playing A British Person^TM) wants him there so badly, but I do get why Samuel L Jackson wants him there who’s playing George Washington Williams; an ambassador for the US who wants to see if the rumors about the Belgians enslaving people in their colony is actually true so he can report it back to his government. Tarzan (also known as John Clayton) begrudgingly accepts the assignment and also begrudgingly accepts that Jane (Margot Robbie) is gonna go along with him. Waiting for him in The Congo though is Christoph Waltz playing Captain Léon Rom who is assigned by the King of Belgium to get some damn diamonds out of that colony by any means necessary, and Tarzan is the key to getting them. How? Well there’s a tribe there whose leader is SUPER pissed at Tarzan and has agreed to help Waltz get the diamonds if he will deliver Tarzan. Needless to say that Rom goes about this in the most dickish way possible which includes kidnapping Jane, and so Tarzan must go after them to save his wife and stop them from doing any more evil shit in his home country; all of this with the help of Samuel L Jackson of course. Can the two find out what Léon Rom is up to and save Jane before it’s too late? Just what is Christoph Waltz up to other than to pillage the country of all its natural resources? Wait, this movie is somehow less than two hours!? Well it certainly FEELS a lot longer, that’s for sure.

LOTCD1 — “We’ll get to the gorillas and vine swinging soon enough, but NOT before our morning tea! What kind of barbarian do you take me for?”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Purge: Election Year

July 1, 2016September 10, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 6 Comments

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The Purge: Election Year and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by James DeMonaco

For the past few months, there hasn’t been a movie I was more excited to see than this one. I still haven’t seen the first movie, but the SECOND one is a really great B-Movie in the vein of John Carpenter or even modern day directors like Gareth Evans. It was more than just an action shlock-fest though as it really wanted to say something about its premise in between the outrageous violence. This one though? This looks like they’re going full-tilt on having something to say about society, politics, and violence in our culture! In between the brutal murders and silly costumes of course. Does this manage to be yet another sequel this year that ends up better than the previous film, or have they run out of genuine ideas and are now just parroting hot button issues? Let’s find out!!

The movie takes place two years after the events of The Purge: Anarchy where Frank Grillo’s character from the that film FINALLY has a name (Leo Barnes) and has somehow found his way to being the head of security for Senator Charlie Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell) who is poised to win the Presidential Election that year and will hopefully end the purge. Unfortunately for her, the ruling party in the US Government (the New Founding Fathers of America, or NFFA) would very much like to keep their jobs and to keep the purge going so they can kill lots more poor people, so their plan to stop the senator is to change the rules of the purge so as to lift the ban on killing government officials; leaving them free to send a whole bunch of mercs (neo-Nazi ones of course) to take her out. Well not if Frank Grillo has anything to say about it! He manages to get her away from the assassins after their initial assault on the Senator’s home and they end up finding a few people trying to survive the night and more than willing to help the senator who will bring an end the purge once and for all. These include Joe Dixon (Mykelit Williamson) who owns a small convenience store that is being threatened that night, his employee Marcos (Joseph Julian Soria) who wants to help his boss, and Laney Rucker (Betty Gabriel) who is one of the volunteers that helps people get medical treatment during purge night. Can this rag tag group of badasses manage to outrun the NFFA? Will Senator Roan be able to win the election, or should they find a way to ensure her victory this very night? There have been what, fifteen purges already? You’d think some of these people would find it all passé at this point.

TPEYCD1 — “We’re hardcore bro!” “You’re all a bunch of posers!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Independence Day: Resurgence

June 29, 2016September 6, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

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Independence Day: Resurgence and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Roland Emmerich

With this movie, the Scream TV series, and the Power Puff Girls reboot, the late nineties are coming back in full force which I guess is gonna make some people happy. Sure enough, we’ll end up beating that decade to death like we did the eighties, but for now the idea of bringing some of this stuff back is still somewhat novel, though if ANYTHING is gonna kill any love we have for that period of time, it might just be this movie. Well that’s not fair. The first one had a long list of talented actors, and at least half of them have returned to this one! Not only that, but it’s been a REALLY good year for sequels so far, so maybe this one has a shot! Can this at least be as good as the original which is hardly the highest bar to set in the first place? Let’s find out!!

The movie picks up twenty years after the events of the first movie where the Earth has apparently advanced AT LEAST a hundred years in their technology due to the remnants of the alien invasion of 1996, and the world has also come together in peace so they can focus all that aggression towards outer space. Speaking of aggression, a day does come when another spaceship comes close to the planet and the humans end up shooting it down immediately despite David Levison (Jeff Goldblum) thinking it’s a mistake. He manages to enlist the help of bad boy space pilot Jake Morrison (Liam Hemsworth) to take him and whoever happened to be nearby when the spaceship landed up into space. Said people include a scientist (Charlotte Gainsbourg), a UN accountant (Nicolas Wright), and an African warlord (Deobia Oparel). Just roll with it. Anyway, they manage to find the spaceship they shout out of the sky somewhere on the moon and are ready to transport it back to Earth when the REAL alien invasion happens and instead of bringing a dozen big ships, they bring one HUMONGOUS ship to kick humanities ass! Will David Levison manage to stop the alien threat once again, though probably not with a Macbook this time? Just how many landmarks will the aliens target this time?

IDRCD1 — NOT JEFF GOLDBLUM! HE’S AMERICA’S GREATEST TREASURE!!

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Crystal Act 38 (Infinity 12: Infinite – Journey)

June 28, 2016June 30, 2016 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

We’re back with another episode of Sailor Moon Crystal, but it’s not just ANY episode! We are at the end of season three which had one stated goal of winning back fans after the less than stellar first two seasons! Did they manage to not only succeed in surpassing the first two seasons but in also outdoing their finales? Let’s find out!!

The episode begins by recapping what had happened at the end of the last episode, mainly that Sailor Saturn was about to nuke the planet to kill General Smooze (also known as Master Pharaoh 90) and no one was particularly happy about that. Sailor Moon is still somewhere inside General Smooze’s goop of evil, but I’m sure she’ll be just fine! I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself…

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Cinema Dispatch: The Shallows

June 27, 2016September 14, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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The Shallows and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures

Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra

Everyone wants a crack at that Jaws money, or I guess that Shark Week money now that THAT has become a cultural touchstone… for some reason, and this is no exception. The big innovation this time though is to make it a bottle film which makes a certain amount of sense considering that any situation other than STRANDED AT SEA means it would be hard for a shark to get you. It’s either that or you’ll have to stick them in a tornado, and that shit got old REALLY quickly. Does this manage to be a taut and exciting thriller as Blake Lively tries to outsmart a shark, or is this just a low budget imitator of much better films? Let’s find out!!

The movie follows Nancy (Blake Lively) who’s gone to Mexico to find a beach that her mother visited long ago, and the reason she’s there in the first place is to work through some problems by surfing them away. Unfortunately, a whale had died close to the beach which has attracted a shark that then proceeds to attack Nancy while she’s catching waves alone. She survives the attack and manages to climb her way onto a nearby rock, but she’s got no phone, she’s got a huge bite mark in her leg, and the rock will sink back under the water once it’s High Tide. Can Nancy manage to find a way back to the shore without getting eaten? Will someone come by to rescue her before the sea rises? What is this shark’s problem!?

SHALLOWSCD1 — “It’s eating them. And then it’s gonna eat me! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOODD!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Free State of Jones

June 26, 2016September 2, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Free State of Jones and all the images you see in this review are owned by STX Entertainment

Directed by Gary Ross

Good old STX Entertainment! They’re the little studio that’s trying so hard to be a respectable outfit, and sure enough they do have some good films under their belts like Hardcore Henry and The Boy… but then they also did Secret in their Eyes, which… yeah. Let’s not go there again. I hear The Gift is good at least! Anyway, they’re latest effort is the quote, unquote, HISTORICALLY ACCURATE film based on a the man who started a rebellion within The Confederacy during the Civil War. Does STX Entertainment have another notch in their belt with this Matthew McConaughey led biopic, or is this another disaster like… that one movie they made? Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the tale of Newton Knight (Matthew McConaughey), an army doctor for the Confederate Army who knows that they’re fighting and dying for rich white dudes to keep slaves. Well, that and to keep the status quo of dehumanizing black people, but I’m SURE that’s not crossing any of these poor farmers minds as they march forward into battle. It’s certainly not on Newton’s mind, THAT’S for sure! Anyway, when his… relative (I think his nephew) gets shot and killed in the battlefield, he deserts the army and goes home to deliver the dead body to his sister and to see his wife and son again. Eventually, he makes his presence known to local Confederate tax collectors (or rather Looters) when he starts stopping them from collecting way more than ten percent of the local farmers’ goods and is forced to hide out in the swamp with escaped slaves to wait out the war I guess; one of whom is Moses (Mahershala Ali) who is looking for his family and becomes a lifelong friend of Newton. At some point though, Newton is unable to sit still any longer and ends up turning the runaway slaves and other deserters into a functioning society within the swamp that apparently the Confederates are completely unable to overtake and they soon become a huge thorn in their side as they start raiding supply wagons and burning rich peoples’ stuff. That’s only half the movie though as eventually the war does end and we transition from the armed rebellion to Newton fighting for the rights of his fellow citizens who are now FORMER slaves in an area this not too happy about that. So how exactly did Newton manage to outlast the Confederate army throughout the rest of the Civil War? Are he and his friends any safer after the war than they were before? Does Matthew McConaughey have a beard, or did something die on his face?

FSOJCD1 — Geez. Is this what’s gonna happen to ALL of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive winners?

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