Author: Matt Vetrano

Cinema Dispatch: Kubo and the Two Strings

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Kubo and the Two Strings and all the images you see in this review are owned by Focus Features

Directed by Travis Knight

While Disney and Dreamworks are constantly fighting over dominance for CG animated features, studios like Aardman and Laika are still making an argument for more traditional forms of animation with films like Paranorman and The Pirates.  Now we’ve got this movie which hopes to stand alongside some of the bigger hits this summer like Finding Dory and The Secret Life of Pets while also finding a spot in theaters just as the latter is starting to leave and Pete’s Dragon is under performing.  Can the latest Laika creation not only manage to be an excellent film but be the big hit to end the summer with, or is this movie all style and no substance?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows young Kubo (Art Parkinson) who’s living with his mother in a cave that’s within walking distance of a nearby village.  Why are they living there?  Well apparently Kubo’s mother is the daughter of some super powerful dude known as the Moon King (Ralph Fiennes) who can do… stuff.  Okay, I’m not sure what his powers are, but he ripped out one of Kubo’s eyes when he was an infant, and his mother just barely managed to get away with him; though at a severe price as she was injured during the escape and now suffers from memory loss.  That only leaves Kubo to take care of her (though I’m not sure how they survived long enough for him to be able to do that) and he makes money by using his magic powers to put on fantastic origami shows for the people of the village.  Seriously, Kubo’s got some badass magic powers that he’s able to conjure up with his Shamisen which can put on very elaborate stop-motion performances by Origami dolls, and you’d think that powers like this would either earn him enough to move his mom into a nice home or would brand him as a witch.  Still, things seems to be going well as Kubo goes about his day to day life busking for coins on the sidewalk, when he stays out too late one night which gives the Moon King a chance to find him (I guess that guy can see everything at night) and sends out his daughters, who are also Kubo’s aunts (Rooney Mara), to find him.  Kubo’s mother however manages to find him first and uses her remaining magic to send him off somewhere else while also bringing a charm to life in the form of a monkey (Charlize Theron) because apparently Kubo’s mother can do that.  From there, we’ve got a whole lot more exposition as apparently the monkey knows what Kubo needs to do next and the end up finding a Beetle Samurai (Matthew McConaughey) to tag along on their adventure.  Can Kubo stop his evil grandfather and save his mother?  How exactly does this monkey know all this stuff if it’s only been alive for like a day or so? Most importantly, how many MacGuffins do they plan to stick in this movie!?

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“We have to find the sacred armor that was created by your father that can protect you from the Moon King so that-“     “YOU’RE A TALKING MONKEY!!”     “…yes.  Did you hear what I said?”     “We need to find some stuff?”     “Good enough.  Let’s go.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Ben-Hur

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Ben-Hur and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov

On the list of unnecessary remakes that no one was asking for ever, I can’t imagine one being worse than this except maybe Citizen Kane or ANOTHER remake of The Jazz Singer.  Hell, I haven’t even SEEN the original Ben-Hur (I know.  Shut up!), and even I can tell this is completely unnecessary!  Oh well.  Maybe this will be a faithful adaptation that understands what made the original so great in the first place and gives its own modern interpretation of those amazing qualities?  Yeah… I doubt it too, but you never know!  Is this a new classic that can stand alongside the original film, or is this a half assed effort that’s hoping to make big bucks on the name alone?  Let’s find out!!

Judah Ben-Hur (Jack Huston) is living his life of luxury as the rich prince of Jerusalem which by this point was embroiled in strife due to the Romans continuing to push into their lands and occupying them.  It’s not of much concern to him though because he’s the one percent, and nothing bad ever happens to them!  Well when his adopted brother Messala (Toby Kebbell) goes off to join the Roman army and comes back years later as one of the lead occupies, things get a bit strained and Judah can’t keep living under a rock.  When some shit goes down that’s totally not his fault, his brother ends up enslaving him and sending him to be a rower in a warship until he keels over and dies; leaving the rest of his family to presumably die for whatever trumped up charges the Romans can think of.  Judah eventually escapes after five years however and SOMEHOW washes back up onto Jerusalem (boy was THAT convenient!) and meets some dude who trains chariot racers (Morgan Freeman) who agrees to help him get revenge on his brother and Rome.  Oh and Jesus (Rodrigo Santoro) is in the background somewhere.  Will Judah be able to avenge those who were so viciously taken away from him?  What will he find after his five year absence from his homeland?  Wait a minute… is this the story of Biblical Batman!?

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“First I make the cape, then the pointy hat, and then I stab him forty times in the gut. That’s plan A, but maybe I should come up with a plan B just in case.”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 6 (The Times They Are a Changeling)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Hasbro.

Episode directed by Denny Lu and Tim Stuby

Ugh… we’ve got two lousy episodes in a row following the return of the season which actually managed to kick off with a good episode, but it all went downhill from there.  Maybe it’s just me, but episodes about pranks and go kart racing just don’t hold much appeal in a fantasy world with dragons, champions of good, and colorful villains who should be the focus of every episode rather than every once in a while.  Hopefully this episode will mix things up as it has two of the best things the series has going for it; the Crystal Empire and Changelings!  Can this episode turn the tide on the post hiatus episodes, or are we doomed for mediocrity no matter what they try?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with Twilight and Starlight getting the hell out of Ponyville to visit Cadence and Shining Armor in the Crystal Empire; a move I whole heartedly endorse because since we got back from our mid-season hiatus, the only episode worth a damn was decidedly OUTISDE of Ponyville.  This also gives us a chance to catch up with Starlight who’s been missing in action since we got back and is still the most interesting aspect of this new season (though only half as interesting since she’s not with Trixie).  So what’s the story for this episode?  Well… I can only guess at this point, but Twilight has a VERY specific line that, when combined with the title of the episode, gives me an idea as to what’s about to happen.  During the train ride, she offhandedly mentions that Baby Flurry Heart might have grown so much that she won’t even recognize her.  Hmm…

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“You ever stare a Changeling right in the eyes?  It’s like staring into the depths of Tartarus itself!”     “Okay… well I think you’ve read enough Edgar Allen Pony stories for now.  Let’s try to lose that attitude before you see the baby, okay?”

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Cinema Dispatch: War Dogs

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War Dogs and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Todd Phillips

The guy who burned out after the FIRST Hangover movie has decided to try and go the Adam McKay route; mainly by making a comedy that ALSO has brains and a message about contemporary America.  I mean, at least this will probably be better than giving him time to do Hangover 4: The Revenge.  Not only that, but the trailers look like there might be something there to enjoy.  Maybe not great, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this mildly amused me the same way Our Brand is Crisis and Whisky Tango Foxtrot did which seem to be covering some of the same ground, albeit with a lot more violence in this one.  Can this movie manage to be a fun and engaging exploration into the world of weapons contractors, or is this just a guy who probably peaked seven years ago drying desperately to jump on a bandwagon?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows David Packouz (Miles Teller) who’s some twenty something loser bumming around Miami; working as a massage therapist while trying to get a bed sheet business off the ground.  Right off the bat it’s clear that this guy is a Grade-A loser, but opportunity comes knocking when an old friend from middle school Efraim Diveroli (Jonah Hill) moves back to town and has started a weapons contracting firm to sell supplies to the military.  David, having nothing else going on and a kid on the way with his girlfriend Iz (Ana de Armas), agrees to work for him despite his… moral objections I guess?  Well whatever makes him hesitant about the job quickly falls away as the small company starts winning tiny contracts from the government; slowly building up their clout and influence.  Over time though, it’s clear that Efraim wants to go really big really fast and is willing to do whatever it takes to get there, even working with Henry Girard (Bradley Cooper) who’s well known and respected in the industry, but is shady as all hell and is even on the US Terrorist Watch List.  Will the two be able to keep their head above water as they sink deeper and deeper into the seedy and dangerous world of illegal gun trading?  Will the government turn a blind eye to this duo just so they can get the weapons and ammo they need to fund the war on terror?  Are these REALLY the faces of people you would trust with multi-million dollar contracts paid with the use of taxpayer money?

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Hell, they’re probably a lot less dangerous than BP, and we give those guys a SHIT load of money!

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Cinema Dispatch: Pete’s Dragon

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Pete’s Dragon and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios

Directed by David Lowery

Disney is at it again with another fresh milking of the nostalgic cash cow!  I really don’t know anything about the original Pete’s Dragon other than Don Bluth did the animation on it, so they won’t be hooking me in with that alone, but then I never had an affinity for Sleeping Beauty and still though Maleficent was one of the best movies of that year.  Can this new movie manage to capture the charm and spirit of the original film while also roping in new fans, or is this going to be as uninspired as The Jungle Book?  Wait; am I still the only one who didn’t like that?  Anyway, let’s find out!!

The movie begins with little Pete (Oakes Fegley) having to watch his parents die horribly as their car ends up flipping over on the interstate, though you’d think the airbags or seatbelts could have saved one of them considering it wasn’t a head on collision.  Well in any case, little Pete is all alone in the woods (who SHOULD be covered in his parents blood but I guess you can’t go there in a PG movie) and is about to be killed by wolves when something starts to approach from beyond the trees.  It turns out that there be dragons in these hills, and he takes little Pete to raise as one of his own.  Many years later, Pete is now at the ripe old age of ten and gets discovered in the woods by a… Forest Ranger I think called Grace (Bryce Dallas Howard) who takes him in and tries to get him acclimated to the real world before sending him off to the state.  While that’s going on, Gavin (Karl Urban) who works as a lumberjack (he’s either a manager or just an employee that everyone likes) and is certain that he saw something out in those woods and is gonna hunt it because… reasons.  Will Pete be reunited with his best friend?  Can they keep on going with their living arrangement now that Pete has had a taste of the good life as well as peanut butter?  Am I SERIOUSLY going to be the only one who didn’t care for this one, just like with The Jungle Book!?

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Pictured: me writing this review

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Super Comics: Sonic the Hedgehog 6-7

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Sonic the Hedgehog and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Archie Comics and Sega of America

We’re back with more comics about our favorite Mickey Mouse knockoff!!  We’re still very much in the early days before this comic really got a sense of what it was going to be other than a funny book companion to the video games, but even if it’s just a fluff series, it can still be enjoyable if they know how to tell good jokes and come up with interesting one shot ideas.  Do they manage to pull that off in these two issues?  Let’s find out!!

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Issue 6 (January 1994)

This issue, at least for the first half, a tie in to Sonic Spinball which I’m pretty sure is the only Sonic game that takes place in the Sat AM universe.  Well, I DO have my suspicions about that Sonic Generations 2 game or whatever it is coming out in 2017 (the tagline is Join the Resistance) but until that’s confirmed, this is the only Sat AM tie in game.  Unfortunately, that ALSO means that nothing of particular consequence is going to happen here as trying to tie any great continuity (that’s only barely getting established in the first place) to a pinball game is probably not the best idea long term.  But since we might as well get into it, the issue begins with the Freedom Fighters storming one of Robotnik’s factories to take him out once and for all (you KNOW they’re serious because Boomer brought a hammer), but the find it completely deserted and with a letter pinned to the front door informing them that Robotnik’s base of operations is now inside of volcano.  Probably not the WORST idea as far supervillain lairs go, but the addition of rails to get people easily through the facility may have been something he should have decided against.

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“Blasts!  Why did I bother installing those in the first place!?”     “We asked you about them SEVEN times before going into construction, but you were REALLY adamant about it.”     “Are you talking back to me, smart guy!?”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 6 (28 Pranks Later)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Hasbro.

Episode directed by Denny Lu and Tim Stuby

We’re back with another episode of Everybody Hates Dash!  Now the episode from last week was pretty disappointing and felt like a script they had rejected three seasons ago but decided to fish out of the junk drawer to fill out this season.  Sure, the episode before that was pretty excellent, but this is still not how you want to come back from a mid-season hiatus.  Can this episode make up for that lackluster effort, or did they expend all their creative energy bringing Patton Oswalt into an episode?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins on a DARK and (not quite) STORMY night where Fluttershy is trying REALLY hard to ace that slasher movie audition by getting into character and walking through the woods at night.  Her excuse for this is that a picnic went on too long (things got WAY too crazy when they brought out the Dijon mustard!) but you’d think the ONE person who’d be looking out for that would be the one who’s already terrified of everything!

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“A whole lot of help YOU turned out to be Mr. Bear!  GO OUT THERE AND KICK THAT MONSTER’S ASS!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Sausage Party

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Sausage Party and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures

Directed by Greg Tiernan and Conrad Vernon

I’m pretty sure I’ve been hearing this movie for at least five years and Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg have been trying to get this made for even longer than that.  I’m not sure how it took so much work to get this movie made as both of them are bankable stars and this movie ended up costing next to nothing (ten million is nothing in terms of Hollywood features), but regardless of whatever strife they had to work through, the day has finally come for us to see a movie about dicks, vaginas, and assholes being played by hotdogs, buns, and bagels.  Does this movie end up being a classy as fuck masterpiece for the ages, or was all that effort for naught and this is just a giant steaming load of lameness?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the misadventures of several food items in this one grocery store known as Shopwell’s, but for the most part our focus is on Frank the Sausage (Seth Rogen).  He’s living the perfect sausage life; namely staying fresh inside his package and praising the Gods every day in the hopes that he will be chosen to leave the store and enter the great beyond!  Well he’s also praying that he can nail that hot little number in the bun package, Brenda Bunson (Kristen Wiig), but he’s got to keep those urges in check.  After all, the Gods only want FRESH food that isn’t tainted with sin!  Now all the food in this store (and presumably all the other stores in the world) seem to all follow this belief system where the humans are Gods taking them to a promised land, but as we all know humans tend to be to total assholes and will end up eating them instead which is SUPER fucked up!  The day finally comes for Frank, his other sausage buddies (Carl and Barry played by Jonah Hill and Michael Cera), and Brenda as one of the Gods chooses them and they’re put in its holy shopping cart.  Of course, things don’t go quite as planned as the shopping cart runs into another one; splattering a lot of the food in a very gruesome manner and knocking both Frank and Brenda (along with a few other items) out of the cart and into the store… OUT OF THEIR PACKAGES!!  Now you may have assumed that the shopping carts collided due to bad luck.  Not quite so, as a jar of Honey Mustard (Danny McBride) had seen some shit and jumped out of the cart after telling the rest of the food how fucked they are, and that was the cause of the crash.  Why is this important?  Well there was one person listening the entire time, and that was Frank!  So on top of getting back inside a sausage package (along with Brenda who needs to find a bun package) Frank is on a journey to find out the truth and if what Honey Mustard was saying had any merit to it!  Can Frank discover the dark secrets that the world outside the grocery store holds?  Will this inevitably create a schism between him and Brenda, the latter of which still has faith in the Gods and their divine plan?  And what about Carl and Barry!?  WHAT THE FUCK IS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM!?

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Oh, you know… probably nothing good.

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Super Recaps: The Twilight Zone (Dream Lover)

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The Twilight Zone and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Warner Bros Television and based on the series created by Rod Serling

Episode directed by Peter o’ Fallon

We’re back with another episode of Extreme Twilight Zone!  After seeing Katherine Heigl kill Baby Hitler, what else is there!?  Where can this series possibly go after that!?  Well we’re gonna find out as we’ve barely even started on this series and there are a whole lot of episodes left, including this one about a tortured artist who brings dream girl to Life… which is the premise of Ruby Sparks only done about a decade earlier.  Anyway, let’s get started!!

The episode follows Graphic Novel writer Andrew Lomax (Adrian Pasdar) who is living the nightmare of all writers; having no fucking clue what to write.  How could this be though!?  He has a plaque on his wall confirming that his last book, Sleepless City, was a New York Times best seller for sixteen consecutive weeks!  Clearly this bout of writer’s block must be the machinations of… THE TWILIGHT ZONE.  While in the middle of a pity party for himself, he starts to see a hot woman wrapped in nothing but a towel (mirroring a pinup drawing he just did) who is eagerly awaiting his tender embrace!  Too bad it’s all a dream!  OR IS IT!?

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Either way, I’m pretty sure A-ha is gonna sue someone.

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Cinema Dispatch: Nine Lives

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

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Nine Lives and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld

How does this movie even exist?  I know actors gotta eat, and sure, we ARE getting a Bryan Cranston dad comedy with James Franco soon, but even HE doesn’t have the freaking clout of Kevin Spacey!  If this guy was so desperate for a payday, then why isn’t he in a Marvel movie or a DreamWorks animated feature!?  Why the hell is he in a TALKING CAT movie!?  This is the shit you cast Chris O’Donnell in or snatch up Jason Lee to do!  Not two time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey!  Ugh… whatever.  We gotta deal with the cards we’re dealt.  Does this movie manage to be just as bad as we expect it to be, or is there something there that justifies its reason to exist in 2016?  No.  The answer is no.  Still, we might as well take a look anyway.

Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is your typical movie dad.  Spends a lot of time at work, doesn’t have much time for his family, and is generally considered a jerk by his peers.  He doesn’t care though because he’s building the TALLEST BUILDING ON THE EAST COAST which will be his legacy; much more so than his grown ass son David (Robbie Amell) who works for him in a desperate bid to get his approval, and his daughter Rebecca (Malina Weissman) who still hasn’t figured out that her dad is an asshole.  His wife Lara (Jennifer Garner) informs him that he better come through in spades for his daughter’s birthday and all she wants is a cat.  Bi shocker there.  The guy bites the bullet and goes to buy a furry bastard but somehow (through FATE perhaps!?) ends up in the shop of God (Christopher Walken) who for some reason runs a cat store.  Okay, he’s not ACTUALLY God, but considering how magical this guy is, there’s not that many other alternatives, though it would have been AWESOME if he turned out to be Satan.  Anyway, Tom buys a cat from the man known as Felix Perkins (he runs a shop called Purr-kins) but has to make an emergency stop at the office on the way back to tell one of his company’s terrible managers (Mark Consuelos) that his ass is shit canned.  Unfortunately for Tom, lightning strikes, shenanigans ensue, and he ends up in the body of the cat while his real body is in a coma (presumably the cat’s consciousness just died or something).  Now he has to find a way back into his body before that awful manager dude somehow sells the company out from under him and his son, while also learning that maybe life isn’t all about going to work every day and providing for your family.  What a moral.  Can Kevin Spacey bother to show any interest in this performance?  Just how embarrassing can Jennifer Garner’s performance get?  WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!?!?

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Oh, well NOW it makes sense!  This must be the head of EuropaCorp!

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