Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Crystal (Episode 13)

We’re approaching the end of the Silver Millennium story arc, and the last few episodes have been REALLY ramping up the insanity levels of this show.  Will this episode continue that trend, or will this show finally make some freaking sense for once?  There’s only one way to find out, so let’s dive right in!!

The episode begins where the last one left off.  Wait, what exactly happened?

Oh right.  That…

Oh right.  That…

Yeah… did I mention how much I fucking hated the ending of the last episode?  Well after rewatch Usagi plunge a broad sword into her sternum, we get a flashback of their entire relationship which includes… um… That one time in the park?

I’m pretty sure that’s TECHNICALLY true, but I’m certain it has more to do with the both of you having the life expectancy of squirrels.

I’m pretty sure that’s TECHNICALLY true, but I’m certain it has more to do with the both of you having the life expectancy of squirrels.

Look, I’m fine with Mamoru and Usagi as a couple.  I can definitely buy their attraction to each other, but the show has yet to sell it to me to the point where ANY of her recent decisions come off as anything other than selfish and stupid.  Case in point, a giant cloud based super villain is about to swoop down and steal the Legendary Silver Crystal now that Usagi isn’t there to protect it!!!  Is this what Mamoru, Endymion, Tuxedo Mask, whoever the fuck , would WANT you to do!?  She thinks they’ll be reincarnated again which MIGHT actually fucking happen because apparently moon princesses get free do overs, but she’s forgetting one very important detail!  THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO BE CONQUORED BY METALIA!!  You really want to be reincarnated under her leadership!?  I’m beginning to think this whole “suicide” thing might not have been completely though out.  Before Metalia makes her move to nab the Silver Crystal, the other Scouts arrive and mourn the loss of their leader.

“At least she left a pretty corpse.  None of that icky blood stuff.”

“At least she left a pretty corpse.  None of that icky blood stuff.”

Then something happens with the Silver McGuffin.  It does a thing, starts to grow super big, and then Metalia comes in to absorb it or something.   She does an area effect spell to take out the Scouts (with absolutely no difficulty), and then Luna and Artemis teleport their asses there to try and help (just go with it).  Luna tries once again to claw her enemies to death, but Metalia shakes her off like a mosquito in a bug zapper.  Metalia now has nothing to stop her from taking over the world and decides to warp up to the surface to start redecorating the planet to her liking.  The other Scouts decide they’d rather fight to the death than roll over for the mad tyrant so they fly through the stone ceiling of the cave they’re in.  Apparently they can pass through walls now.

“Good thing they didn’t bother adding collision detection to the ceiling!”

“Good thing they didn’t bother adding collision detection to the ceiling!”

After the Scouts leave, Luna asks Artemis to take her to the moon so she can pray or something.  Wait, is it a full moon?  Doesn’t it need to be a full moon for them to get there?  Didn’t they establish that in episode ten or something?  Anyway, we cut back to the Scouts who are now back on the surface of Antarctica and notice that something seems off.

“DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARMING!!!!”

“DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARMING!!!!”

Queen Metalia is waiting for them and our heroes try their best to defeat her.  She’s non-corporeal so there’s no way we as the audience can possibly tell if their attacks are doing anything productive.

“Is this working!?”     “HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW!?”

“Is this working!?”     “HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW!?”

It doesn’t seem to do much because Metalia does another area effect spell and just swats them away like a bunch of flies.  Metalia then takes this opportunity to cover the world in a dark cloud or something which turns people in to assholes.

“Purple man wants woman!!”     “Purple man can fuck off.”

“Purple man wants woman!!”     “Purple man can fuck off.”

Luna and Artemis are already on the moon, so they get a nice view of the Earth turning into one giant mass of purple farts.  Luna then takes this opportunity to start begging a giant crystal to save the day.

Save her from what!?  The stab wound she inflicted on herself!?

Save her from what!?  The stab wound she inflicted on herself!?

She keeps calling the Crystal the Queen, so is the crystal supposed to be the former Moon Queen (who is also named Serenity)?  There’s no one IN the crystal, so I guess she IS the crystal?  Is Luna actually doing anything productive, or is she just hoping that a giant crystal will save the day?  Considering ANOTHER crystal is causing all the bullshit on Earth, I can understand Luna’s reasoning here.  I guess it does work because the Scouts start to remember Usagi and they all get strength from her memory.  This incidentally leads to one of the most AMAZING shots in the entire series!

“WORSHIP ME, FOR I AM YOUR GOD!!!!”

“WORSHIP ME, FOR I AM YOUR GOD!!!!”

Minako reaches out to grasp the hand of her sky god and when she does, the holy sword appears out of thin air!  The Scouts seem to have a plan here that isn’t supposed to KILL Metalia but just… make a loud noise?  I have no idea what the fuck they’re doing, but apparently it’s going to kill them in the process.

“Our lives will amount to an alarm clock!!”

“Our lives will amount to an alarm clock!!”

They shoot a giant beam at Metalia but she just swats it away, so… mission accomplished?  Mission failed?  I don’t know.  We’re approaching End of Evangelion levels of obtuseness here.  We cut to Usagi who’s in the shadow realm and is still alive for some reason.  They’re explanation for this fact is WONDERFULLY clichéd.

“Chekhov’s Pocket Watch, am I right?”

“Chekhov’s Pocket Watch, am I right?”

Hold the fuck on.  How the hell did she NOT know that she stabbed the watch instead of herself?  WHY WAS SHE CURLED UP DEAD ON THE GROUND WHEN SHE WASN’T ACTUALLY HURT!?!?  So not only was Usagi selfish enough to let Metalia have the Silver Crystal by killing herself, but she was dumb enough not to know that she wasn’t dead!?  The other Scouts just sacrificed themselves to… do something (bring her back to life?  Wake her up?) because of her actions, and we find out that she wasn’t even hurt!?  I’m REALLY starting to not like Usagi right now.   Alright, Usagi is alive and inside Metalia (I guess).  Mamoru is nearby (still dead apparently) and the Silver Crystal is in arms reach.  Metalia starts to fuck with Usagi I guess by having zombies wailing all around her and… causing a wind storm?

“Feel the spinning breeze of DOOM!!!”

“Feel the spinning breeze of DOOM!!!”

Usagi is in pain (I think) and tries to reach for the Silver Crystal.  She grabs it and Metalia explodes.  Okay, why?

“How DARE you touch the Crystal which was right next to you!!”

“How DARE you touch the Crystal which was right next to you!!”

What exactly was Metalia’s plan here?  Did she INTEND to leave herself destruct button within reach of someone who wanted to blow her up!?  Maybe?  I mean she comes back like two minutes later so maybe she has some masterful plan that my puny little mind can’t comprehend.  Before she comes back though, Usagi and Mamoru are on the ground (I think the same place the Scouts may or may not have died) and Mamoru wakes up from being dead.  They have a temporary reunion, but Metalia is hot on their heels and hurts Mamoru in a nonspecific way.  Usagi is distraught naturally, but Mamoru convinces her to fight back.  She turns around, points the crystal at Metalia, and shoots some sort of crystal beam at the evil queen.  For a moment, I can comprehend what’s going on because they’re having a Dragon Ball Z style energy blast attack thingy where two forces fire beams at each other and the good guy has flashbacks about the people they love.  IT’S FINALLY MAKING SENSE TO ME!!

“SOLAR FLARE!!”

“SOLAR FLARE!!”

Usagi isn’t doing too well and now doubts her own strength.  Mamoru is next to her and doesn’t know what to do when all of a sudden, four gems fall out of his cape.  They break open and the ghosts of the Shitennou appear.  If you don’t recall, they are the former guards of Prince Endymion and the currently dead Kings of Dark Kingdom.

“I can finally say I love you… in that cape.”

“I can finally say I love you… in that cape.”

So not only do they show up to give the guy a pep talk, but it also turns out that, like the watch, the gems “caught the blade” and he was never actually dead just like Usagi.  Okay, FIRST QUESTION!!  Where the hell did he get those gems!?  At least with the watch, they established that she’s had it for a while and that it holds significance for Usagi.  This doesn’t work for Mamoru because we never saw him get those rocks!  Okay fine, I ASSUME they’re the same kind of rocks that the Shitennou are named after (Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite) and those characters do in fact hold significance for Mamoru, BUT YOU NEED TO ESTABLISH THESE THINGS BEFORE YOU PAY THEM OFF!  Oh, and they also tell him that Metalia’s weak point is the mark on her forehead which they know because reasons.  To be fair, I would have assumed that first as well so maybe they were just informing an idiot of something obvious.  The ghosts disappear and Mamoru knows what to do (I guess).  Sailor Moon collapses and Mamoru catches her and gives her a pep talk.  And a kiss.

“I’m powered by kisses, so pucker up!”

“I’m powered by kisses, so pucker up!”

Metalia doesn’t take this opportunity to strike for some reason, but I guess she’s absorbed by the drama taking place.  Usagi gets the strength to fight back, and this sudden burst of inspiration is enough to transform the Silver Crystal into its TRUE form (for about the sixth time at this point).  Still, the show DEFINEATLY picks up right here.  Usagi’s ready to fight, Mamoru is cheering her on, and Metalia is about to make a last desperate attack to stop Usagi and her newly powered crystal.  Usagi begins to spin and this turns her Moon Stick thingy into a badass Moon Staff!!  She gives another one of her badass speeches, declaring her intent to pound Metalia into dust, and prepares her final strike.  Then the episode ends right there on a cliffhanger.  Aw…

“In the next episode!”

“In the next episode!”

Like the last episode, this one is an insane mess.  It has its moments of genuine greatness (and the occasional moment of astounding silliness), but I don’t think it works as well as the last one simply because it’s really hard to decipher what’s going on and what the consequences of any action are.  Why did Luna go to the moon?  How should we feel about that?  Is it a good thing?  Should we feel betrayed that she abandoned the Scouts?  Speaking of which, why the hell were we informed that using their pen thingies for an attack would kill them mere seconds before they DID said attack!?  AGAIN, we need a SETUP before a PAYOFF!!  ALSO, the fucking twist that NEITHER Mamoru or Usagi were stabbed due to being protected by prized possessions (kind of) is a dopey cliché that COULD have worked if it didn’t raise the question of WHY WERE THEY UNAWARE THEY WEREN’T DEAD!!  Don’t even get me started on Metalia.  I have no idea what her fucking plans are, why she let Usagi get THAT close to the Silver Crystal, or why she’s no longer controlling Mamoru.  All that said, there’s some decent imagery here that at least shows that the creators have SOME sense of creative flair (though I’m gonna guess that most of it comes straight from the manga).  I like the ending of this where Usagi and Mamoru have a chance to interact, and the cliff hanger on the end at least gives me hope that, if nothing else, this arc is going to fucking END soon.  I have high hopes that after  the next episode we’ll finally get a chance to slow the fuck down and actually develop some characters, grow the world more organically, and get into WHY they want to be warriors of justice instead of just teenage girls with past lives.  Next episode will probably be a doozy, and I’m excited to see it, if for no other reason than to ride this fucking train wreck all the way to its eventual conclusion.  ALL ABOARD!!!

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If you like this recap and plan on buying the show, then use the Amazon link below!  I’ll get a percentage of the order it helps keep things going for me here at The Reviewers Unite!  In fact, you don’t even need to buy the item listed!  Just use the link, shop normally, and when you check out it will still give us that sweet, sweet, percentage!  You can even bookmark the link and use it every time you shop!  HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?
Sailor Moon “Crystal” Set 1 Standard (BD/DVD combo pack) [Blu-ray]

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