Category: Cinema Dispatch

Cinema Dispatch: Trailer Talk (Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Not long ago, we got trailers for the upcoming DC Comics films, namely Superman v Batman and Suicide Squad.  Needless to say that both of them have been HUGE presences in entertainment media since they’ve come out with everyone giving their two cents about the trailers and what their movies will ultimately be about, and not one to avoid jumping on the bandwagon, I’ve decided to use my little platform to give you my thoughts on them as well.  Do they inspire confidence in DC’s unique direction to take their superhero films, or are they the further indication that they have no idea what the hell they’re doing over there other than desperately try to scramble together a cinematic universe after Marvel did it so effortlessly?  Let’s find out!!

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Batman v Superman

The trailer begins with what appears to be some sort of senate hear4ing where Superman is being brought before them to explain his actions in the previous film.  We also get to see that Bruce Wayne was in Metropolis at the time of Zod’s attack and saw the destruction that these super humans can dish out.  From there we get to see as things escalate between the two with Batman coming out of retirement (I think) to get ready to fight Superman, while Clark Kent is still trying to figure out what his purpose on this planet is (I think).  If you’re wondering why I’m so uncertain about those things, it’s because the trailer does a pretty poor job conveying where in Batman’s history we are and giving us ANY reason to even give even the TINIEST of shits about Superman or understand him in any way.

“A LOT of bad shit went down when you dragged that alien through Metroplis, right?”     “…”     “I mean, I’m SURE you did the best you could, but there was quite a bit of damage in the process, right?”     “…meh.”     “Okay, fuck this.  GUILTY!!”
“A LOT of bad shit went down when you dragged that alien through Metroplis, right?”     “…”     “I mean, I’m SURE you did the best you could, but there was quite a bit of damage in the process, right?”     “…meh.”     “Okay, fuck this.  GUILTY!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Self/less

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

SL0

Self/less and all the images you see in this review are owned by Focus Features and Gramercy Pictures

Directed by Tarsem Singh

When did we get to the point that great actors like Sir Ben Kingsley and Ryan Reynolds are EXPECTED to be in crap like this?  Sure, Ben Kingsley at least has been on a downward slope for a while now, but does anyone else remember that Ryan Reynolds was HUGE just a few years ago?  I guess this is what happens when you somehow wind up in three of the worst comic book movies at a time when they’ve never been better.  Now he’s in yet another body switching film, only this one might just be worse than his last one if you can believe it.  Just how bad is this movie about Ben Kingsley turning into a thirty something white dude?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Damien Hale (Ben Kingsley) who’s a billionaire architect or something and is nearing the end of his life.  He has pretty cancer which is known to affect people in movies and it tends to present itself with absolutely zero external symptoms other than a bad cough.  Being the rich dude that he is, he finds a way to cheat death in the form of a brand new super-duper secret medical procedure called “shedding” where you basically swap brains with someone else through magnets.  Sounds like a good deal, right?  WRONG!!  Apparently this super-duper secret company doing these super-duper secret medical procedures has some skeletons in its closet and Gandhi in Green Lantern’s body is going to kick some ass until he gets the answers he needs!

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ANY OF THIS!?!?”     “Why didn’t you check the FAQs page on the website!?  We put it up there for a reason!!”
“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ANY OF THIS!?!?”     “Why didn’t you check the FAQs page on the website!?  We put it up there for a reason!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Terminator Genisys

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 7 Comments

TG0

Terminator Genisys and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Alan Taylor

They BETTER not make another Back to the Future movie is all I’m saying.  Oh Hollywood.  Is there no pile of garbage you won’t slap a brand onto and sell it for matinee prices?  Do you even give a shit anymore, or am I just that naïve that I didn’t expect this to suck more than an industrial strength vacuum?  Another Terminator film is upon us dear readers and as hard as it is to believe, this is the worst one.  Now I haven’t seen Salivation since it was in theaters, but even THAT one managed to suck without pissing me off (at least as far as I recall).  This one though?  Oh you have NO IDEA what’s in store for you if you choose to spend your hard earned cash on this instead of more useful things like Taco Bell and lottery tickets.  If you HAVE seen it already, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Just remember that you’re not alone.  A lot of us witnessed this tragedy and we will all heal with time.  You know what might help though?  Sharing the pain with others.  Let’s get started.

Terminator Genisys (THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL THAT!!!) is basically the Back to the Future 2 of the Terminator films only the quality is more on the level of Beastmaster 2.  The movie starts by retconning Salvation where we see an alternate version of the future and the events that led to Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney who may remember from LAST year’s astoundingly terrible action film I, Frankenstein) going back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) as he did in the original.  When he goes back though, everything has changed from the first film.  Not only is there a T-1000 specifically hunting him, but Sarah Connor has already gone through the training she went through between Terminator 1 and 2, AND she’s also got a friendly Terminator that she calls Pops played by the lovable Austrian action star.  It turns out that in THIS version of events, a T-1000 went back in time and tried to kill her when she was a child.  It succeeded in killing her parents before getting destroyed by Arnie (I think) and she’s been living with him since then, training to become a warrior and the mother of the savior of humanity.  How any of this works in the timeline is one of the great mysteries of cinema along with the Three Men and a Baby Ghost and the Munchkin Suicide.

“So wait.  Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?”     “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.”     “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past?  Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”
“So wait.  Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?”     “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.”     “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past?  Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”

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Cinema Dispatch: Dope

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

DOPE0

Dope and all the images you see in this review are owned by Open Road Films

Directed by Rick Famuyiwa

We are smack dab in the middle of the summer blockbuster boom-a-thon where you can’t chuck a rock without it exploding and narrowly avoiding a recognizable character from a long running franchise.  Who knows?  Maybe the movie going public is ready for something other than dinosaurs and superheroes for about a week or so and this might just fill that necessary niche.  No wait, they released it the same day as Inside Out.  You’re telling me that this movie, from the director of a Carlos Mencia vehicle (Our Family Wedding), is trying to go up against a Pixar film!?  If ANY movie had the balls to go up against the Mouse House, then this is either a film they just want to dump in theaters to get it over with, or something REALLY special that they are confident everyone will take notice of.  Before my pessimism overwhelms you all, it might just fall into the latter category considering the very solid trailers and the fact that it was produced by Forest Whitaker (who was actually in Our Family Wedding) and Pharrell Williams who was also responsible for the soundtrack.  Well it HAS to be better than Mac and Devin go to High School at least… right?  Anyway, the movie is primary about Malcolm who is a high school student in Los Angeles with a 4.0 GPA and wants to get into Harvard.  Not only that, but he’s also a huge nerd for nineties hip-hop and its aesthetic (just look at his flat top) which makes him an even more obvious target for bullying.  One day, he ends up going to a drug dealer’s party which gets raided by the cops and he barely manages to escape with his friends and the love interest he was chasing after in the party.  The next day at school though, he finds that the drug dealer managed to sneak a big ol’ bag of dope into his back pack and he has a bunch of angry mother fuckers looking for it.  As circumstances begin to snowball, he and friends try to do whatever they can to get rid of the drugs without getting shot or thrown in jail.

“So is this one of those life changing adventures where I learn a lot about myself along the way?”     “You watch too many movies punk.  JUST GIVE US THE DAMN DRUGS!!!”
“So is this one of those life changing adventures where I learn a lot about myself along the way?”     “You watch too many movies punk.  JUST GIVE US THE DAMN DRUGS!!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Inside Out

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

IO0

Inside Out and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios
Motion Pictures

Directed by Pete Docter

Is it too late for the Herman’s Head jokes?  It is?  Okay then.  Anyway, we once again find ourselves with another film from the world’s most harshly criticized 9.5 out of 10 studio.  It’s hard to deny that the Pixar brand has become somewhat tarnished in recent years what with Cars 2 being a critical bomb and Brave not living up to expectations for many.  That and the fact that they’re gonna start cranking out sequels left and right for the next decade.  Still, you can’t deny that Pixar on a bad day is still gonna be better than a lot of other studios on a good day.  So where does Inside Out fall on the Pixar scale?  Eh… we’ll get to that in a minute.  First, what is this movie about?

Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.  And they control EVERYTHING we do.
Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.  And they control EVERYTHING we do.

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Cinema Dispatch: Jurassic World

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

JW0

Jurassic World and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures.

Directed by Colin Trevorrow

Two hundred MILLION dollars in the opening weekend!?  Oh I’m, sorry that FIVE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS when you include the international box office.  What exactly about this movie (other than it being a new entry in a franchise that has nostalgic appeal to multiple generations of people) could bring in that kind of cash!?  Jurassic Park was never really that important of a franchise for me (only got through the first one and half of the second one) which means this movie was barely on my radar.  The only thing that caught my attention was Star Lord driving a motorcycle with his personal posse of velociraptors (and of course this amazing gif).  Needless to say, the movie caught my attention after everyone starting to go nuts over it, so I went ahead and saw the damn thing to find out what the fuss is about.  Now big box office numbers are never a reliable indicator of quality (just look at the Transformers films) but there was still a bit of optimism what with the decent trailers and the undeniable coolness of dinosaurs WITHOUT feathers.  Also, Chris Pratt.

No matter what it is, just keep running.  Dinosaurs, cops, Parks and Rec fans, doesn’t matter.
No matter what it is, just keep running.  Dinosaurs, cops, Parks and Rec fans, doesn’t matter.

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Cinema Dispatch: San Andreas

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

SA0

San Andreas and all the images you see below are owned by Warner Bros.

Directed by Brad Peyton

The movie is primarily about Ray (Dwayne Johnson) who is a Fire Rescue helicopter pilot who’s about to have one mother fucker of a day when the entire San Andreas fault decides to drop the entire California coast into the Pacific Ocean.  Throughout this catastrophic event, Ray does everything in his power to rescue his family from the chaos surrounding them, as well as others who are trying to survive or do their part in preventing further lives from being lost.   Along with Ray’s badass adventures with his soon to be ex-wife Emma (Carla Gugino), we follow his daughter Blake (Alexandra Daddario) who’s trying to survive with a couple of Brits she found along the way, and we also get to see Professor Lawrence (Paul Giamatti) who’s trying to get the word out that earthquakes are happening while the earthquakes are happening.  As far as the science goes, there isn’t really a reason WHY this is happening, other than what this poster has to say on it.

And we did SUCH a good job preparing for it!
And we did SUCH a good job preparing for it!

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Cinema Dispatch: Mad Max: Fury Road

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

MMFR0

Mad Max: Fury Road and all the images you see below are owned by Warner Bros.

Directed by George Miller

We all have a list of movies that we feel we should have seen by now, but for whatever reason have never gotten to.  At the top of my list you’ll find the Mad Max trilogy which is a shame because if Mad Max: Fury Road is any indication, those movies would definitely be right up my alley.  In the new Mad Max film, we see that the hero of the wasteland (Max Rockatansky played by Tom Hardy) has gotten himself dragged into some greater by a group of insane cultist who want to use him as a living blood bank.  Throughout the film, he’s used as a human IV bag, beat to hell on numerous occasions, and tries to show a gruff and unapproachable exterior that eventually falls away into a heart of gold.

“I HATE MONDAYS!!!”
“I HATE MONDAYS!!!”

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