Author: Matt Vetrano

Cinema Dispatch: The Walk

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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The Walk and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

I thought I was done with the biopics!  HOW MANY MORE MUST I SIT THROUGH THIS YEAR!?  Oh wait.  This is based off the story that they did a really cool documentary of already?  Wait, it’s also directed by Robert Zemeckis and stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt?  Well when you put it that way, this might end up being one of the better ones this year!  Right up there with Straight Outta Compton if we’re lucky!  If nothing else, every resource you can imagine to make this into a great film is there (great story, great director, great actor) and all they need to do is put it together into a strong and compelling narrative that gets across what made this story so fascinating to begin with.  Can Zemeckis work his magic to give us yet another masterpiece to put alongside his other great films, or will this end up being a lesser version of the great documentary that we got less than a decade ago?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is a dramatization of the events that led up to Philippe Petite and his friends tying a wire between the two towers of the World Trade Center that he walked on for forty-five minutes in August of 1974.  Along with the recreation of the night leading up to it and the day of the walk, we also get some backstory for Philippe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who started tightrope walking at a young age and eventually became a street performer in Paris.  There’s not much of a revelation for this guy that led to him decoding to walk between the towers.  He saw an article about its construction in a magazine (while waiting to see a dentist) and just decided that that would be a worthy challenge for his skills and would be a great artistic statement.  This is no small endeavor mind you and Philippe doesn’t waste what time he has before the towers are complete.  He goes back to his mentor Papa Rudy (Ben Kingsley) and learns as much as he can to perfect his craft as well as gathering accomplices to assist him in setting up the tightrope on the day they set the plan into motion.  Will the group be able to get to the top of the tower and set everything up before they get caught by police?  Will Philippe accomplish his dream which boarders on madness?  Well this IS a true story so you may already know what happens… but can Robert Zemeckis make you care anyway!?

“Don’t look down.  Don’t look down.  Don’t look down…”
“Don’t look down.  Don’t look down.  Don’t look down…”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Crusaders of the Lost Mark)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 5 Comments

We’re back with another episode of the Cutie Mark Crusader Chronicles!  It’s actually been quite some time since the last CMC centric episode with Apleloosa’s Most Wanted being the last one I can recall that had all three of them in it in significant roles.  Now that they have another episode to continue their never ending quest to find out what their good at, will this be another example of the show recycling ideas it’s already done like the competent but derivative Made in Manehattan, or will they do something new with these characters who’ve been working toward s a single goal for five seasons now?  Let’s find out!!

The episode starts with the CMC in their clubhouse trying to decide what to do next to get their Cutie Marks and break out into song.  What, this early in the episode?  Don’t wear Daniel Ingram out too quickly!  Actually, they do cut the song short because little ol’ Pip Squeak (who has the worst name to give a grade schooler other than Stupid Face) comes bursting into the CMC headquarters to ask for their assistance in winning the Student Council presidential election.  Wait, so the CMC are basically a temp agency now?  People just come up to them to do random chores with the promise that they might earn their Cutie Marks?

“Cutie Mark Crusaders!  My gutters need cleaning!”     “We can get our Cutie Marks in landscaping!!”     “Oh yeah!  Totally!  Now I need them done by Thursday.  Bring your own ladder.”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders!  My gutters need cleaning!”     “We can get our Cutie Marks in landscaping!!”     “Oh yeah!  Totally!  Now I need them done by Thursday.  Bring your own ladder.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Pan

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

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Pan and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Joe Wright

Raise your hand if you were dying to hear the untold story of how Peter Pan got to Neverland?  Anyone?  So who exactly is this movie for!?  Well I guess we’re about to find out because after MONTHS of having to see that trailer, the movie is finally in theaters!  Will it be yet another prequel that fails to bring anything new to the table and is soon forgotten, or is it unlike pretty much every other prequel ever made?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about young Peter (Levi Miller) who’s stuck in a British Orphanage during World War Two who as you’d expect is a precocious brat who doesn’t take well to authorities.  The orphanage is run by a corrupt nun who reminds me of the Trunchbull from Matilda (except she’s far less likeable) and it seems that she has a side business going where she sells the orphans to space pirates for profit and so that she can keep their rations all to herself.  I’m sorry, what?

“Mother Superior!  There are clowns and drag queens taking us away!!”     “GO BACK TO SLEEP GOD DAMN IT!!!!”
“Mother Superior!  There are clowns and drag queens taking us away!!”     “GO BACK TO SLEEP GOD DAMN IT!!!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Martian

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

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The Martian and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Ridley Scott

Oh yay!  Another Ridley Scott film, because the last one was so good.  Well despite his shaky track record as of late, there’s no denying that the man is one of our greatest living directors and a movie like this is right in his wheelhouse while also being an original science fiction property as opposed to going back to the Alien well.  Can he manage to make a great movie with so many excellent resources at his disposal, or will he still manage to screw it up like he did with Exodus and Robin Hood?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) who is part of the Ares III manned mission to Mars.  While on the planet’s surface, the crew gets word of a big ass storm coming their way so they have to leave the mission early, and by early I mean RIGHT THE FRAK NOW!!  Apparently they didn’t see it coming until five minutes before it hits.  The astronauts on the planet (including Mark) try to make it to their recon ship in the midst of the downpour of… whatever the hell it is Mars starts raining down in a storm (rocks I think).

“I think I’ve got a rock in my shoe.”     “DEAL WITH IT!!!”
“I think I’ve got a rock in my shoe.”     “DEAL WITH IT!!!”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Brotherhooves Social)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

What the heck!?  It’s an episode WITHOUT RARITY!?!?  Can someone stick a thermometer in the ground to see if Hell just froze over?  Well in any case, it’s time we find out just what happened at the Sisterhooves Social that Applejack and Rarity had to miss last episode.  Will Twilight get a chance to do something for once by filling in?  Maybe, but since this is called Brotherhooves Social, I’m guessing we’re going to focus on someone else and unless it’s Shining Armor, she MAY not be in this episode.  Oh well, there’s always next time.  Will this episode be able to keep up the pace that we’ve been going at since the show returned, or will we see why Rarity should be the focus of every single episode!?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins on the Apple farm (which coincidentally grows apples) where Granny Smith is making preparations for The Sisterhooves Social while Applejack and Apple Bloom are practicing outside.  Big Mac is helping Granny because he has nothing better to do but spends most of his efforts watching wistfully as Apple Bloom continues to rain affection on Applejack who has over the years completely overshadowed him and all his accomplishments.

“Am I doomed to be the Frank Stallone of the Apple family?”]
“Am I doomed to be the Frank Stallone of the Apple family?”]

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Cinema Dispatch: Sicario

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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Sicario and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

Isn’t it great to that we start getting GOOD movies again?  I mean sure, Black Mass had its problems but compared to some of the crap I had to sit through in the last two months, it was practically Kubrick.  Now we’re getting this movie AND The Martian in the same week without a single bible thumping propaganda piece in sight!  Does this tale about government agencies working against the Cartel manage to be one of the better films of the year, or is a disappointing procedural that will get lost in the shuffle by the time the Oscars roll around?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Kate Macer (Emily Blunt) who’s head of some sort of tactical response team in the FBI stumbles across a horrifying crime scene during one of her missions where the Cartel has apparently been burying people they kill in the walls of the building.  Okay… well it gets even worse when the team accidently sets off a trap bomb that may have killed any remaining hostages that the team thought were on the premises.  Despite the awful day she had, the silver lining comes in when she catches the attention of Matt Graver (Josh Brolin) who offers her a chance to work with him on more direct missions against the Cartel.  She agrees to go with him and meets with Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) who’s a complete mystery and may not even be working for the United States in any sort of official capacity.  Still, he proves to be very effective in the line of duty as he and Matt (along with Kate who’s still adjusting to their methods) work on operations that will definitely cut the Cartel’s legs out from under them.  Still, she has her reservations to the actions they take and once her partner from the tactical response team Reggie Wayne (Daniel Kaluuya) gets in on it to, it’s clear that her conscious is getting the better of her and that Matt and Alejandro aren’t exactly who they seem to be.  Will Kate decide that their methods, while unorthodox, are necessary for the war they’re trying to fight, or will she not allow herself to go through the mental hoops necessary to somehow justify their actions and her own?

“Maybe we shouldn’t be rolling into foreign countries to take their citizens while carrying high powered weaponry.  Then again, SCREW THESE CARTEL ASSHOLES!!  BANG BANG BANG!!!”
“Maybe we shouldn’t be rolling into foreign countries to take their citizens while carrying high powered weaponry.  Then again, SCREW THESE CARTEL ASSHOLES!!  BANG BANG BANG!!!”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Made in Manehattan)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 5 Comments

Wait, they had a new episode of the show air the same day as the premiere of Friendship Games!?  How much pony do we NEED in a week!?  Well now that I’m done with my extensive look at the latest movie from the Equestria girls series, it’s time to return to the show that started it all as we get ANOTHER Rarity episode to talk about!!  THREE IN A ROW!  WOO!!!  Now Canterlot Boutique was a bit underwhelming, but they made up for it and then some with the masterfully executed Rarity Investigates!  Can they repeat the success of the latter with this episode about her and Applejack going to the big city, or will this be more in line with the former which was only decent?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins in Twilight’s doom fortress where she’s feeling the ennui of living the princess life.  Her search for thrills and excitement can no longer be satiated by reading the same books over and over again.  She yearns for something more; like maybe another Changeling invasion or some creature from the depths of hell to plunge the world in peril again.

"Blech... Shouldn't my human friends be begging for my help by now?"
“Blech… Shouldn’t my human friends be begging for my help by now?”

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Super Recaps: Equestria Girls: Friendship Games

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

For the third year in a row, the mad geniuses behind Friendship is Magic has brought us a movie based on what might be one of the dumbest and cynical ideas that you could come up with for a spinoff of a fantasy series.  If you think about it, this is the same crazy idea that led to awful movies like Highlander 2: The Quickening, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, and Masters of the Universe.  Somehow though, despite all that was working against them, the team that made colorful horses into a cross generational smash hit managed to make Equestria Girls into a quality and meaningful extension of the series.  Neither of the previous films were perfect, but they managed to be a lot of fun and at brought a bit of variety to the franchise which is more than I think anyone was expecting.  Now they’re back with the third movie which looks to go even more in depth with the parallel universe gimmick by making the Twilight Spark of this universe the focus of this outing.  Will they be able to knock it out the park again with this movie, or have they gone as far as they can with this secondary series?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with everyone running frantically to school to face whatever new threat has befallen them this time.  Oh no wait, Rainbow Dash just needs a new guitar string.  Well, to SOME people that would be an emergency (mainly Rainbow Dash).  Oh well, at least there’s absolutely NOTHING strange going on at this school for once and everyone can… wait who’s that?

First a trio of sirens and now the Unabomber!?!?
First a trio of sirens and now the Unabomber!?!?

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Cinema Dispatch: The Green Inferno

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 4 Comments

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The Green Inferno and the slightly edited poster in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by Eli Roth

Green Inferno may be the worst movie that I have ever seen in my life. I’m never felt so emotionally drained and damaged coming out of a movie. I don’t know who the target audience is for this movie, but I do hope that they don’t like this movie either because I just can’t see the appeal of this outside of some really cynical theories.  Is it that people just want blood and guts?  Well I like blood and guts too, but I certainly didn’t like it in here.  Is it the fact that everyone in the movie is either a terrified victim or an irredeemable monster?  I’ve seen lots of horror movies where that’s the case, and while I think the genre needs to outgrow that dynamic (it’s boring more than anything else) it was done to a level here that feels damn near pornographic or, perhaps more appropriately, sadistic.

I regret that tweet a bit.  I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.
I regret that tweet a bit.  I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.

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Cinema Dispatch: Hotel Transylvania 2

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Hotel Transylvania 2 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures

Directed by Genndy Tartakovsky

Does anyone else remember just how amazing it was that the first movie was in fact as good as it was?  The movie had been in production since 2006 and had five directors attached to it before finally settling on Genndy Tartakovsky who by all means is an accomplished animator but had never directed a feature film.  Not only that, but Adam Sandler was (and continues to be) a joke for a lot of people and his movie in the last decade or so have been absolutely abysmal.  Despite all that, Hotel Transylvania was not only good but one of the best animated films in a long time.  Now it’s time for Sony to start franchising this sucker with a sequel, but they seem to be doing it the right way by not only getting back the original director but the same writers as well.  Will this somehow manage to be one of the few animated sequels to be just as good if not better than the original, or will they throw out everything that was great about the first film just to milk a couple more dollars out of this series?  Let’s find out!!

After the events of the first movie, Mavis and Jonathan (Selena Gomez and Andy Samberg) start dating and eventually get married in the titular hotel.  Their whirlwind love affair eventually leads to her getting pregnant and giving birth to their son Dennis whom Dracula (Adam Sandler) starts to obsess over because now he has a new outlet for the overprotective behavior he struggled to overcome in the last film.  Unfortunately, like in the first movie, there comes a point where his paternal usefulness may be coming to an end with Mavis thinking that it may be too dangerous for them to stay at the hotel since young Dennis has yet to show any signs of being anything other than human, and in the Lore of this universe if he doesn’t show any signs by his fifth birthday (which is rapidly approaching), he’ll be a human forever.  Dracula, being the crafty bastard that is, enlists Jonathan’s help (who wants to stay at the hotel) to keep Mavis distracted while he and his friends try to force the vampirism into his grandson by taking him on the night of professional scaring.  I wouldn’t think that biology could be affected by cultural immersion but whatever.  So Jonathan and Mavis are off to visit his family in California for some marital R&R (and to see if the place would be a good fit for their family), while the old school monsters are trying their best to not only get this kid to grow his fangs but to recapture a bit of their youthful exuberance as they revisit their familiar haunts from when they were the scourge of humanity which may be a bit more difficult than they were expecting now the humans have learned about monsters and are (tentatively) accepting them.

Some seem to be adjusting better than others.
Some seem to be adjusting better than others.

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