My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Hasbro.
Episode directed by Denny Lu and Tim Stuby
We’re back with another episode of It’s A Wonderbolt Life! Now I haven’t had the most flattering things to say about the episodes that focus on Rainbow Dash as a Wonderbolt, and I think it’s similar to when the CMC finally got their Cutie Marks. I agree that it would be a lot worse if they dragged out the character reaching their goal indefinitely, but the episodes since then haven’t really done a good job of expanding on what their lives are after they’ve gotten their Happily Ever After despite there being plenty of directions for them to go in. Does this episode rectify that issue for the Wonderbolt episodes, or will Rainbow Dash episodes prove to be the low points for the series going forward? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with Rainbow Dash at the Wonderbolt Academy’s locker room where, surprisingly enough, they AREN’T talking about sexually assaulting other ponies! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?
“Did you check out Soarin’s flank today?” “No, because I value him as a teammate and don’t feel the need to objectify him.” “RIGHT ON, SISTER!”
Equestria Girls: Legend of Everfree and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Hasbro
Directed by Ishi Rudell
Well what do we have here? It looks like another Spin-Offs Are Magic movie has been graciously provided by Hasbro who’s always looking to find new ways to milk it’s biggest cash cow that isn’t being helmed by Michael Bay! Now what’s interesting about this Equestria Girls movie though is that we’ve finally established Human Twilight as an entity in this world and is now a part of our parallel universe crew which, coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) now has seven members at about the same time as Pony Twilight got a new member for her team! It also means that this franchise doesn’t have tie itself to the school to accommodate Pony Twilight who still needs to enter in and out of this dimension through the statue portal thingy which gives this a chance to stand on its own as an independent world rather than an extension of Equestria. Does this series manage to throw off the shackles of its spin-off roots in spectacular fashion, or will removing the training wheels only lead to pain and an uncertain future for these characters? Let’s find out!!
The movie begins with Human Twilight who is tossing and turning in her sleep from some sort of nightmare, and while we don’t get a glimpse of what she’s dreaming about, we DO at least get a glimpse of her room which has some interesting details all on its own.
I’m guessing Spike was the one who insisted a picture of him be framed and hung on the wall.
The Girl on the Train and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures
Directed by Tate Taylor
The only thing I knew about this movie before walking in was that the trailer had probably the most baffling musical choice imaginable. Seriously, who the hell puts Kanye West in the trailer for a movie that we’re supposed to take SERIOUSLY!? If you can somehow tune out the poor choice of music (how is the WOMAN heartless when she’s the one who gets MURDERED!?) there is something intriguing about the premise and it’s the perfect time to release these kind of dark murder mysteries now that Oscar Season is upon is. Is this an early contender for best of the year status, or is this a wannabe Gone Girl knockoff that’s simply jumping on the bandwagon? Let’s find out!!
The movie begins with Rachel (Emily Blunt) as the titular girl on the train as she passes by the same sight she sees every time she rides it. Every day, the train stops right in front of these two houses; one has her ex-husband Tom (Justin Theroux) and his new family, and the other has this couple who from all outward appearances looks perfectly happy. This routine goes on for some time until one day she notices a new man in the house with the woman Megan (Haley Bennett) which shatters Rachel’s already fragile mental state (for various reasons, she’s crawled inside a bottle for the last few years) and she gets even MORE drunk than usual that night and gets off at the stop that’s close to their house. Jump to the next morning and Rachel wakes up in her room; covered in mud, blood, and booze with no explanation of what happened the night before. Eventually, it turns out that Megan has disappeared (which means she’s dead but they haven’t found the body yet) and no one knows what happened. Rachel seems to have an idea, but the memories of that night are so fried that she can’t piece them together and feels compelled to save this woman who she’s been watching all this time… and if she can also throw some shade at her ex-husband’s new wife Anna (Rebecca Ferguson) in the process, well then that’s just brownie points. Can Rachel find out what happened to Megan and find some sense of self-worth, even in her completely debilitated state? Who was this woman that’s gone missing, and can her past lead us to the reason she was murdered? Can we all just agree to give Emily Blunt the Oscar now!? It’s basically Leaving Las Vegas 2!!
“Maybe I shouldn’t breathe so much, Terri! Ha HAAAA!!” “The fuck does that even mean!?”
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Hasbro.
Episode directed by Denny Lu and Tim Stuby
We’re back with another episode of You Don’t Know Applejack! For the first time in a while, it looks like we’re gonna get a flashback episode to the halcyon days of yore for at least one of our regulars, and maybe get some insight into how they became the pony they are now! Will this trip down memory lane be a breath of fresh air as we get to see characters at a different point in their lives, or will we get more of the same despite the chance to change things up a bit? Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with The Apple Family providing Filthy Rich with his latest delivery of Zap Apple Jam to sell in his store. I’m surprised that the CEO has to personally transport the goods himself, but maybe there’s something more to this transaction than what we’re seeing…
“Four cases of Zap Apple Jam, and two cases of… apples.” “Are the… apples pure?” “Of course they are! We don’t cut our apples with bullshit! You should know better by now!” “Alright! Be cool!”
The Birth of a Nation and all the images you see in this review are owned by Fox Searchlight Pictures
Directed by Nate Parker
To tell you the truth, I was not looking forward to seeing this and was up until the last minute figuring out if I wanted to take a pass on this considering the controversy surrounding the filmmaker’s past deeds. Ultimately, I am a film critic and decided that I might as well have an informed opinion on something rather than avoiding the topic. Not to say that someone choosing not to see this is making the wrong choice as it’s not anyone’s place to tell anyone else what to go see at the theater (I avoided that last Dinesh D’Souza film like the plague despite it sticking around for an embarrassingly long time at one of the theaters I frequent), rather I’m just letting you know what my reason was for deciding to review this film. Does it manage to be a great film even with the controversies surrounding it, or will this be so bad that we can easily dismiss the film and its director? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about the life of Nat Turner (Nate Parker who also writes, directs, and produces) who famously led a slave rebellion in 1831 that killed a bunch of slave owners before… well go read the Wikipedia page or watch the movie to find out what happened. But what about his life BEFORE killing white people? What drove the man to commit such acts of violence, especially considering how deeply religious he was? After all, wasn’t one of the commandments THOUGH SHALL NOT KILL? Well we get those answers as the rebellion itself is the climax to a character study of one man who faced indignity after indignity throughout his entire life and even saw it first hand when his master (Armie Hammer) had him go around to other plantations to preach the word of God to those slaves to keep them nice and complacent rather than rebellious and stabby. What other challenges did Nat have to face before turning to the sword? Well, you’ll just have to see the movie to find out!
“I’ll go for the gut, Ax Guy can sweep the legs, and Hammer Bro?” “Yes Nat?’ “Smash their fucking skulls in!” “You got it!”
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox
Directed by Tim Burton
I mean… if we’re still gonna get YA films THIS late into the game; at least we’ve got an ACTUAL director behind it unlike say… The 5th Wave which, as far as I can tell, was directed by the Film-O-Tron 9000. Still, the real life director they got here happens to be one that’s been on a downward slide for quite some time now, so while this looks like the perfect film for him to make, the circumstances don’t inspire a lot of confidence. Does Burton manage to shake off his slump with this adaptation of a book that apparently a lot of people have read, or will this come and go like so many other films in this over saturated genre? Let’s find out!!
The movie is all about Jake (Asa Butterfield) who’s living his boring everyday life in boring everyday Florida where things that are boring happen every day. That is… until the incident! One day he arrives at his Grandpa’s place and finds that he’s been dragged out into the woods and had his eyes gouged out by something. The police think it was dogs, but Jake saw something out there in those woods, and it wasn’t a dog! Not even Cujo is THAT precise with his killings! Anyway, Jake finds some information in a book his grandfather gave him that points to a bunch of stories he was told as a kid about peculiar children living in a home in some English village, and he feels that he should go there to see if the stories were true. If nothing else, it might give a bit of closure for him which convinces his dad to begrudgingly take him, out there. Naturally his dad is a bit of dip shit and loses track of Jake almost immediately. Well… it’s not ENTIRELY his fault considering the island has some sort of dimensional time portal or something… I don’t know. Just think of it like that scene in James and the Giant Peach where he crawls into the peach and turns into a stop motion character. On the other side of this portal thingy, he finds the children from his grandfather’s stories as well as Miss Peregrine (Eva Green) who watches over them and is chock full of information that she’ll doll out to Jake throughout the course of the film involving his grandfather, their time portal thingy, and the bad guys chasing them led by Mr. Barron (Samuel L Jackson). Will Jake find a new lease on life and be able to work through the grief of his grandfather’s death by spending time with these Peculiar kids? What does Mr. Barron plan to do if he ever finds out where Miss Peregrine is hiding all these kids? What the heck do they do all day in this little pocket dimension anyway?
“After dinner, we’ll play charades!” “We’ve been doing that for the last seventy fucking years!” “Hey! Watch your language!” “WHY SHOULD I!? I’M AN OCTOGENARIAN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!” “Huh. Was Jesus a Peculiar like us? I mean, he COULD walk on water.”
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Hasbro.
Episode directed by Denny Lu and Tim Stuby
We’re back with another episode of Ponies of the Caribbean! The post mid-season break episodes have had their ups and downs, but it seems to have leveled off somewhat with some really solid outings like Dungeons and Discords and The Times They are a Changeling, but not we also haven’t really gotten an all-time classic since Stranger than Fan Fiction. Sadly, that probably won’t change considering we’ve got a CMC episode, a Cutie Map episode, and a Starlight episode all in a row which didn’t bring much energy back to the series, and now we’ll probably be getting less exciting episodes to build up towards the season finale. Does this episode subvert those expectations and give us something memorable? After all, Stranger than Fan Fiction wasn’t exactly tied to one of the bigger plot lines in the series, and that one turned out great! Maybe this one will too! Let’s find out!!
The episode begins with Twilight eagerly heading to the train station with a less eager Spike in tow. The reason for the jubilation seems to be that Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity went together on a boat trip and are now on their way back home; presumably filled with stories of high flying adventure and pirate raids! I bet they can’t WAIT to tell her all about it!!
“You ever have to carve a pony’s eye out with a fishing hook?” “What surprised ME was how good she was at it!” “YOU WANNA GO RIGHT NOW!?” “Both of you SHUT UP, or else I’ll do to you what that whale did to Captain Blue Mane!” “Don’t even joke about that…”
Masterminds and all the images you see in this review are owned by Relativity Media
Directed by Jared Hess
Oh hey, I remember this guy! Didn’t he do Napoleon Dynamite like a hundred years ago? Okay, maybe it wasn’t THAT long ago, but you can hardly say that he’s had a sterling career since then with Nacho Libre and Gentleman Broncos being poor follow ups to his breakout hit. Still, this one seems to be outside of his comfort zone, what with how many A-list comedians are on hand and the general tone of the film from the trailers, so maybe stretching himself as an artist will do him some good and he can wow us all once again with his immense talent! Hey, it’s POSSIBLE… right? Is this movie one of the standout comedies of the year that will remind us why we liked Jared Hess in the first place, or is this yet more proof that the dude peaked with his first film? Let’s find out!!
The movie follows lovable David Ghantt (Zach Galifianakis) who’s living the pathetic loser life in his shitty little town where no one respects him or even likes him all that much; even his fiancée (Kate McKinnon), but then she’s so cartoonishly off-putting that it’s hard to tell if she’s feeling anything at all. The dude seems perfectly fine to let things go this way and live out his life as a security guard for Loomis Fargo and have zero impact on the rest of the world. That is… until SHE came through the door. Kelly (Kristen Wigg) becomes a coworker of David’s and the two hit it off immediately, by which I mean he develops a massive crush on her and she gets her ass fired before she has a chance to really capitalize on it. Eventually though, she does come back into his life, only now she has someone with her. Steven Chambers (Owen Wilson) wants to use David to rob Loomis Fargo and plans on using his clear obsession with Kelly to get him to do it. Needless to say that David promptly agrees for that exact reason, and surprisingly the heist seems to work at first! They walk away with SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS, David goes to Mexico while the heat dies down, and everyone else (including Kelly) for some reason stay in their shitty little town and try to lay low there. As with most crime movies though, things start to unravel, especially when FBI agents (Leslie Jones and Jon Daly) start to investigate those involved and a hit man (Jason Sudeikis) winds up in the mix. Will David get away with his crime and have all the money he could ever want? Will Kelly be able to save David from Steven who’s hell bent on keeping him out of their way permanently? How the hell did this stupid mother fucker get through airport security!?
“Is he brown?” “No, but he’s got lizard eyes and a wig.” “Hi there!” “Go on ahead sir.”
The Reviewers Unite 