Month: September 2015

Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 4 (Learn How to Be Skinny from Usagi)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Harume Kosaka

Oh good!  I was hoping we’d run into some dated nineties storylines at some point!  We all knew we were going to reach this point eventually.  You can go back to pretty much anything from any time period and find stuff that’s woefully outdated, especially when you think of how fast things have changed with the onset of social media.  Still, we can allow ourselves to overlook some less than ideal moments if everything else in the episode manages to pick up the slack.  Can this episode succeed despite it’s less than precise handling of the subject matter?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with Usagi realizing that she gained a few pounds since her last weigh-in and she’s having a panic attack over it.  Rather than her parents telling her that it isn’t a big deal or Luna telling her the weight she gained is probably due to the muscle she’s built since starting her career as a warrior for justice, everyone around her gives her shit about it.  Her parents TRY to reassure her but fail miserably at it, and Luna seems intent on giving her Body Dysmorphia!

“I’m thinking Sailor Chubs.  Fatty Moon maybe?  I could really use your input here Usagi!”
“I’m thinking Sailor Chubs.  Fatty Moon maybe?  I could really use your input here Usagi!”

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Super Comics: Sonic the Hedgehog 1

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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Sonic the Hedgehog and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Archie Comics and Sega of America

(August 1993)

Well THIS is certainly something new!  Normally I stick to movies and TV shows, but I’ve been on a bit of a Sonic the Hedgehog kick recently and I figured there’s SOME way to share this recent interest with all of you.  I don’t have the courage to do a recap series for Sonic X (yet) so for now, we’ll take a look at the comic book series which has been running for over twenty years!  SERIOUSLY!!  This particular book (Sonic the Hedgehog) has been running since 1993!!  Well we clearly have plenty of material to work with, so we might as well just jump right in with the first issue!!

So how did they decide to begin their comic about a child friendly mascot fighting a robot master?  With our hero getting lynched of course!!

“Let’s see how fast your neck can snap!!”     “URG GURG BLERG!!!”
“Let’s see how fast your neck can snap!!”     “URG GURG BLERG!!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Transporter Refueled

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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The Transporter Refueled and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp

Directed by Camille Delamarre

So which one was it?  Did Jason Statham become too expensive, or was Luc Besson too cheap to get him back?  Well either way, we’ve got a brand new Transporter film in theaters with a much more affordable actor in the title role.  Now this isn’t the first time the character has been portrayed by someone other than Jason Statham, what with a TV series that as far as I can tell is still being made, but instead of making a continuation of that series they decided to reboot the whole thing and have this be its own independent venture.  Will they succeed in making The Transporter a household name for action films, or with this turn out to be yet another failure to revive a (presumably) beloved character on the big screen?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about The Transporter (Ed Skrein) who is a dude that handles his jobs like a pragmatic hooker.  No names, no backstory, and every move is agreed upon ahead of time.  While we don’t see him on a job before the plot of the movie kicks in, it’s clear that he’s a driver for whoever the hell needs his services.  Politicians, celebrities, bank robbers, you name it.  I wonder if he ever helped someone who committed a premeditated murder.  Anyway, on top of being the best British driver in all of Europe (the movie takes place in France despite all the cars having their driver’s seat on the left side) he can also kick massive amounts of ass as he proves to us in the opening scene where a bunch of thugs try to strip his car.  One question:  After this dude in a suit manages to beat seven of your buddies to the curb, why do you think YOU will be the one to take him down?  Sorry.  I keep getting distracted here.  The movie ACTUALLY begins in 1995 with a bunch of gangsters shooting up a bunch of prostitutes and pimps on a corner so that they can put their OWN working girls on that corner.  That seems like A LOT of trouble to go through just for street hookers, but maybe they didn’t have escort services back then.  After THAT scene, we jump ahead to the aforementioned beat down of the street thugs who piss off The Transporter which causes him to be late in picking up his dad (Ray Stevenson) who’s retiring from MI6 or whatever.

GOD DAMN!!  When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!?  Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?
GOD DAMN!!  When the hell did Ray Stevenson get old enough to play dad characters!?  Is this what it was like when Sean Connery played Indy Sr?!?

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Cinema Dispatch: War Room

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 6 Comments

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War Room and all the images you see in this review are owned by TriStar Pictures

Directed by Alex Kendrick

All this wholesomeness and yet there’s no Kirk Cameron in sight!?  For those of you unaware, War Room is another film in the increasingly disturbing trend of movies that are one hundred percent Christian with a capital Christ!  Now there have been some REALLY good movies that take their cues from religious text such as Darren Aronofsky’s wonderful adaptation of the Noah story, but that’s not the kind of movie we’re in for though, is it?  We’re not here to learn about the text that has inspired so many people.  We’re here to see how AWESOME Christians are because no group of people needs constant reassurances of their superiority more than the target audience of whatever the hell this is.  Still, I’ve got to try and give it a fair shot.  Will there be something in here that can appeal to those outside of its specific niche, or is this yet another awful and impenetrable piece of propaganda disguised as an actual movie?  Let’s find out!!

War Room is the story of perfect wife Elizabeth Jordan (Priscilla C. Shirer) who unfortunately is doomed to a life of misery due to her poor decisions in life.  No, not the decision to marry a guy with a terrible temper and no respect for her; it’s the fact that she considers herself a “spiritual person” which to this movie’s target audience is right up there with “happy holidays” in terms of things people say inexplicable piss them off to no end.  Her marriage is falling apart and while it’s almost entirely the verbally abusive and controlling douche bag’s fault (Tony Jordan played by T.C. Stallings), she’s not entirely without blame and seems intent on resent her husband instead of finding solutions for their problems.  In comes Miss Clara who is trying to sell her house and has Elizabeth as her realtor.  She seems to have the power to read minds which presumably was given to her by Jesus and can tell that Elizabeth is suffering over something.  That or Elizabeth’s body language is easier to read than an actor in a Kabuki play.  Miss Clara may not know yet what it is, but she sure as hell knows how to cure it!  Will she get Elizabeth to see the power of Jesus which will help her fix her relationship?  Will Tony ever stop being a bag of dicks to his family, which of course translates to finding Jesus?  Will everything fall exactly into place for them once they start praying to God because he works on a Quid Pro Quo system!?

“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that!  Just you wait!”
“Jesus is going to get ALL up in that!  Just you wait!”

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