The Star and all the images you see in this review are owned by Sony Pictures Entertainment
Directed by Timothy Reckart
Man, Coco was such a good movie. Too good in fact! I need to find a way to bring myself down to Earth again if I want to be fair to any other movie coming out this year. Wait, is that what I think it is!? A POORLY ANIMATED RELIGIOUS FILM… WITH TYLER PERRY!? JACKPOT!! It seems that movie going audiences had the good sense to ignore this film to go see Coco instead which seems like an INCREDIBLY obvious move given how uninspired the trailers look, but let it never be said that I am not a fair critic and will try to give everything at least a CHANCE to try and impress me! Okay, I know better than to hope much from ANY religious film not made by Darren Aronofsky (and even THAT is a bit of a crapshoot), but compared to some of the OTHER films in that category, there’s no way it could be THAT bad… right? Let’s find out!!
The movie follows the misadventures of one Bo the Donkey (Steven Yeun) who remained aimless and nameless for most of his life working in a mill and only getting brief glimpses of the outside world. His one dream though is to be part of the Royal Procession which… I guess is like a super lame parade or something? Anyway, he’s given a chance to escape with his wise cracking friend Dave the Dove (Keegan-Michael Key) and he winds up hiding out with a newly married couple; one of whom seems to have gotten to the whole pregnancy thing a little early. Yes, this hapless donkey winds up in the possession of Mary and Joseph (Gina Rodriguez and Zachary Levi) with the former giving him the name Bo and the latter being a total throwback to goofy nineties sitcom guys; as if the entire male cast of Friends was fused together into one not especially charming homunculus. While this is going on, a trio of camels (Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, and Tracy Morgan) are carrying the Wise Men across the desert in search of the new king who’s due in just a few months and end up running into King Herod (Christopher Plummer) who doesn’t take too kindly to there being another king out there and sends his scariest brick shit house of a guard with two mix-matched attack dogs (Ving Rhames and Gabriel Iglesias) to go hunt down the happy couple and murder them to bloody chunky bits. Bo the Donkey gets wind of this and decides to help these two out before running off to join the Royal Procession and even meet a friendly sheep along the way named Ruth (Aidy Bryant) who left her flock to follow the titular star to… whatever’s at the end of it (spoiler alert: it’s Jesus). Will Bo the Donkey keep these two safe and deliver the savior unto us so that we all may be saved from the burning fires of Hell? Will King Herod realize that sending only ONE dude to stop the only person who could challenge his throne was a really half assed approach to this problem? Can animals be saved and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior? I’m just curious what’s gonna happen to Bo once he dies considering how much he busted his ass (nyuk-nyuk-nyuk) to help Jesus out in the first place!
“Companions before transubstantiation, AM I RIGHT!?” “I’m pretty sure that’s not even a rhyme…”
Boo 2! A Madea Halloween and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate
Directed by Tyler Perry
Oh great. We’re back here again, and I have the feeling we’ll be back her again AGAIN come next October because if there are two things Tyler Perry is good at, its making movies quick and beating a dead horse. I didn’t outright HATE the first film, but it’s pretty terrible and showcases pretty much all the weaknesses in the Tyler Perry formula that somehow has captured the hearts and minds of millions of people. Does this movie improve upon the last film to make something tolerable for the rest of us who aren’t in the Madea loop? Of course not; you knew that BEFORE this movie was even made. Is it at least TOLERABLE though? Well… let’s find out.
It’s Halloween again in whatever town this is and the events of last year are still somewhat fresh in the memories of all the characters they bothered to bring back for this one. I say SOMEWHAT because Tiffany (Diamond White) still has very little respect for her father Brian (Tyler Perry) despite learning that lesson last year, and the situation is worse now because she is OFFICIALLY EIGHTEEN!! Apparently her birthday is on the thirtieth of October which I don’t recall them mentioning in the first film, but that’s the case here which means its PERFECTLY LEGAL now for her to tell her dad to piss off and go get laid by the broiest bro in the frat Johnathan (Yousef Erakat) who has an even BETTER party planned this time around! This time, the party will be at the Ye Old lake where apparently a dozen people were murdered back in the seventies and I GUESS has been closed ever sense which makes it the perfect place to set up a rockin’ Halloween PAR-TAY! Of course Brian has a problem with this, but since his ex-wife () () gave Tiffany permission (which she didn’t even NEED because she’s an adult now), there’s very little he can do. BULLSHIT, I SAY! There must be SOMEONE willing to stop this girl from having fun! I guess this is a job for Madea, Uncle Joe (both Tyler Perry), Aunt Bam (Cassi Davis), and Hattie (Patrice Lovely) who all return from the last film and are apparently haven’t moved an inch as they start this movie in the same damn chairs they spent most of the LAST movie sitting in. When they get up there though, things aren’t what they appear to be as they start running into mysterious characters with dangerous weapons and ill intent that seem just as hell bent on stopping this party as the Madea crew are; though admittedly with much more violent means. Will Brian ever find a way to get through to Tiffany’s rebellious streak and stop her from making poor decisions? What else is up at the lake other than the horrors of sex, drugs, and pop music? How much longer can Tyler Perry POSSIBLY milk this character while still making a crap load of money EVERY SINGLE TIME!?
Boo! A Madea Halloween and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate
Directed by Tyler Perry
I knew this day would come. Ever since this guy came on the scene, I’ve just never had an interest in seeing anything he’s made and until now I’ve never had a reason to. I mean I knew becoming a film critic would have its downsides… but come on! Oh well. No point in putting it off any longer. It’s time for me to sit down and watch a Madea film. Who knows? Maybe it won’t be all bad. Hell, it looks like it’s the spiritual successor to Ernest Scared Stupid, so maybe they’ll replace Jesus with Halloween Kitsch? Yeah, probably not. Still, is it any good? Let’s find out!!
The movie is all about Brian Simmons (Tyler Perry) and his increasingly strained relationship with his teenage daughter Tiffany (Diamond White). Tiffany wants to go to a Halloween party that’s hosted by a Frat House that’s conveniently located within walking distance and wants to drag her Good Christian Preacher’s DaughterTM friend Aday (Liza Koshy) along with her. Brian says no, Tiffany says Fuck You (not literally) and so he has to pull out the big guns; namely Mabel “Madea” Simmons (Tyler Perry again) along with her friends Uncle Joe (Tyler Perry… again), Aunt Bam (Cassi Davis), and Hattie (Patrice Lovely) to babysit while he goes out on a business trip… on Halloween. Tiffany isn’t about to give up without a fight though and convinces the four of them that there’s a ghost in the house to keep them distracted while she sneaks off to the party and things get more shenanigan filled from there. Will Tiffany learn a lesson about listening to her father after getting to the party? Is there something ACTUALLY haunting Madea and her friends at the house, even if Tiffany’s story was total bullshit? God damn, is THIS what I’ve been avoiding all these years!?
I WISH Tim Curry would show up in this damn thing!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Dave Green
The first Bay-Turtles movie was pretty damn awful. Maybe not as bad as the WORST Transformers film, but certainly no better than the arguably best one (Marky Mark for the win). With this one though, there seems to be a conscious effort to integrate more of what people ACTUALLY liked about the cartoon and incorporate it into the Bay-Turtles universe, so maybe a middle ground can be struck here between big budget extravagance and nostalgic sincerity. Does this manage to AT least be better than the first one? Let’s find out!!
The movie picks up some time after the first one with the Turtles (Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, Pete Ploszek, and Alan Ritchson) continuing their hero shtick in the shadows while Vernon (Will Arnet) is taking all the credit for defeating Shredder (now Brian Tee instead of Tohoru Masamune) and putting him in Jail. Eric Sacks by the way is not even mentioned here. At first they made him NOT The Shredder, and now they’ve retconned him out of existence! The turtles are restless about all the lack of kudos they get or kicking so much ass, but those concerns will be secondary soon enough as Shredder escapes jail with the help of Super Nerd Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry) and recruits two new soldiers in his army in the form of Bebop and Rocksteady (Gary Anthony Williams and Stephen Farrelly AKA Sheamus) so that they can build a teleporter device that will bring Krang (Brad Garrett) and The Technodrome into our world. Oh, and I’m pretty sure April O’Neil (Megan Fox) is around doing something. So is Casey Jones (Stephen Amell). ANYWAY! Can the turtles stop Shredder from his latest evil schemes? Will they do as the title says and come out of the shadows to stop this latest threat? Seriously, how much longer before they do a crossover?