Cinema Dispatch: Willy’s Wonderland

Willy’s Wonderland and all the images you see in this review are owned by Screen Media Films

Directed by Kevin Lewis

You know, Nicolas cage may not be in big Hollywood movies anymore but he’s got a decent eye for the VOD and Indie markets.  He’s worked with guys like Panos Cosmatos, he was in probably the best HP Lovecraft movie in I don’t know how long, and that Brian Taylor movie Parents was an absolute trip and frankly should have gotten much more attention than it did.  Now he’s starring in an unofficial Five Nights at Freddy’s movie which would otherwise looks like an Asylum knock off.  Say what you will about Cage, at least he hasn’t gotten to Carmen Electra, C Thomas Howell, and Danny Trejo levels yet!  Does Nicolas Cage prove once again prove his savviness at picking low budget projects, or was this just an easy paycheck for all involved?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with a mysterious stranger (Nicolas Cage) getting the tires on his car ripped apart on a random country road near a dead end country town.  How much of a dead end is this town?  They don’t just lack any sort of internet service here, they don’t even have the infrastructure to support ATMs which means that Cage can’t just pay for the tires; he has to do this the old fashioned way with a favor and a handshake.  The town Business Guy (Ric Reitz) offers to pay for Cage’s new tires if he spends the night cleaning his janky as heck pizza place called Willy’s Wonderland; a children’s pizzeria with a cast of animatronic characters that love nothing more than to sing their happy songs for the children.  Unfortunately the little pizza shop has a VERY sordid past but that’s about to change as our local Business Guy is hoping to fix it up and get it running again which is all going to start with a little bit of elbow grease and a lots of window cleaner!  Cage silently agrees and is locked inside for some reason, but he doesn’t mind because he’s got a job to do and a bag full of PUNCH COLA to keep him nice and hydrated!  All is not as it seems however as some local kids led by Liv Hawthorne (Emily Tosta) are trying to burn the place to the ground but decide to try and convince Cage to come out first before they do it.  And why would they want to do that?  Well if the creepy animatronics and shady deal with the Business Guy wasn’t enough of a clue, it turns out this place is haunted for some reason and that she has some very grisly experiences with the place, so turning it to ashes will bring some degree of closure for her.  Still, seems like a bad idea to just run into the pizzeria full of haunted and murderous robots no matter how fluffy their fur is and it turns into a fight for survival as the teens try to escape the death trap and Cage continues to clean up stains wherever he finds them!  Will the horrors of this place finally be put to bed with the help of our mysterious stranger?  What exactly is keeping this place standing all these years, and why is Business Guy so gung ho to reopen in the first place?  Will Nicolas Cage clean the floors so well that you could eat off of them!?

“Is there an ostrich behind me?”     “Yes.”     “Is he tracking in mud?”     “Uh… maybe?”     “I hate it when they do that…”
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Cinema Dispatch: Superfly

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Superfly and all the images you see in this review are owned by Sony Pictures Releasing

Directed by Director X

Look, the only thing I know about this movie going in is that I’ll FINALLY stop seeing ten seconds ads for this every time I watch a video on YouTube.  That seriously got annoying really quick, but I guess I can’t blame them for YouTube’s crappy algorithms that somehow targeted me to play this same commercial over and over again, and I’m at least glad it meant I didn’t see those homophobic advertisements they got busted for (seriously YouTube, what the hell is going on with you!?), but I digress.  I know nothing about the original other than that it’s pretty well regarded as a cult classic from the seventies (but then how many movies from the seventies AREN’T considered cult classics at this point?) and the trailers for this new film, while repetitive and obnoxious to sit through all the time, didn’t look all that bad!  Does this movie redeem itself for annoying the hell out of me for a month straight, or was YouTube trying to warn me to stay far away from yet another subpar remake?  Let’s find out!!

On the mean streets of Atlanta, a man named Priest (Trevor Jackson) is working his way up the CRIME LADDERTM and has certainly earned the respect of many of his peers.  Why?  Well he knows how to use google for one!  And… I think he knows Kung-Fu?  In any case, he always manages to have the upper hand on whoever he’s dealing with, and he can get himself out of a tricky situation if the occasion arises which is good for staying alive but not so good for those around you.  Case in point, when some brash newbie on a local gang known as The Snow Patrol (yes, they’re being serious) starts bucking up to Priest, it ends with an innocent woman getting shot with a bullet intended for him and he realizes he needs to get out of the game before it takes away whatever’s still left of his soul.  With the support of his two ladies Georgia and Cynthia (Lex Scott Davis and Andrea Londo) as well as his best friend and partner in crime Eddie (Jason Mitchell), Priest will have to come up with a plan so big that it will set him and his family up for life so he can finally leave this all behind him.  I mean, he could use his considerable skills to make an honest (or honest-ish) living, and it’s not like he’s hurting for THAT much cash as it is, but I guess one more big score couldn’t hurt, right? Well when it involves your former mentor (Michael Kenneth Williams), the leader of a drug cartel (Esai Morales), and even the corrupt police right around the corner (Jennifer Morrison and Brian F Durkin) all wanting to take a piece of you for themselves, things can get pretty complicated pretty fast.  Will Priest be able to get his and get out before he gets got?  What exactly is THE SNOW PATROL planning, and will it be as laughable as their ridiculous name?  Is he super hood, super high, and a super dude?  He’s more than that!  HE’S SUPER FLY!!

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That is hair so good, it requires its own insurance plan.

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Superfly”