Mortal Engines and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures
Directed by Christian Rivers
There are always WAY too many movies coming out this time of year which means that I can fall a bit behind or forget to see movies altogether. HOPEFULLY that won’t be a big issue this year; especially if I can still find time to go out and see THIS film! Yes, it’s another movie adapted from a Young Adult novel that’s the first in a series, but unlike recent attempts like The Darkest Minds (ugh…), it looks like someone put some real effort into this thing with just how absurd the premise is and how much money looks to have been spent trying to realize it! Can this big budgeted world saving extravaganza be the next Harry Potter or Hunger Games, or is this yet another example of Hollywood having no idea how to adapt these kinds of books to the big screen? Let’s find out!!
In the far off future, after the bombs dropped and presumably after the Fallout games, humanity has decided that the best way to live in the ravaged hellscape of post-apocalypse Europe is to build cities on top of their cars and race them around looking for resources. I’m not quite sure how this is more efficient than say using airplanes and smaller vehicles to find stuff and bring it back to stationary cities, but then I guess I’m from the BOMBED INTO OBLIVION part of history, so what do I know? The biggest and baddest of these cities is London (which STILL waves the Union Jack a thousand years later) run by the nefarious Thaddeus Valentine who you KNOW is bad because he’s played by Hugo Weaving, and when they capture one of the smaller roaming cities he learns that there’s at least one person out there who’s quite cross with him. Hester Shaw (Hera Hilmar) was one of the captured city’s refugees, but it was all a ploy to get her that much closer to Valentine who she takes a stab at but only causes minor damage because some dude named Tom (Robert Sheehan) sees the attack coming and stops her from finishing the job. Through an elaborate chase scene, Tom chases her down to… I guess the city’s trash hole where she tells him that Valentine killed her mother before escaping the city through said trash hole. Valentine, realizing that one of his loyal peons has heard the ravings of an attempted murder decides that the rational thing to do here is not to convince him that she was lying or even to outright murder him, rather he throws him down the trash hole as well; very much alive and at least a little bit peeved by the whole experience. From there he finds Hester again and they tentatively team up to find a new city for him and a new assassination plot for her. Along the way they’ll run into raiders, slavers, some robot dude named Shrike (Stephen Lang), and even an Anti-London resistance movement head up by Anna Fang (Jihae) of which Hester is apparently the key to their success and not just one of many people who have a legitimate grievance against Valentine. Speaking of whom, he also has some sort of plan to make a Doomsday Weapon out of old technology which he will use to… conquer the world I guess? In any case, will Hester and Tom learn to become friends over the course of their ridiculously convoluted journey? Why DID Valentine kill Hester’s mother, and what other secrets is she hiding from everyone around her? For all the stuff these cities have scavenged, did any of them manage to find the plot?
Bad Samaritan and all the images you see in this review are owned by Electric Entertainment
Directed by Dean Devlin
Admitedly this took a bit longer than I was expecting, but I guess there’s no escape from the gaping maw of Hollywood whenever an actor gives a surprisingly unique and interesting performance. Like Schwarzenegger, Christopher Lee, Samuel L Jackson, and many others, David Tennant is on his way to being typecast as a creepy mo-fo after his star turning performance as The Purple Man in Jessica Jones. Yes he was already famous to a lot of us after he did Doctor Who, but I’m willing to bet that Jessica Jones put his face in front of more people than all three seasons he did of that show combined. Now he’s cashing in on that new reputation with this latest thriller by… the guy who did Geostorm? SERIOUSLY!? Okay… well is this going to be a fun exploration of yet another off-kilter David Tennant role, or are you better off watching that awful animated Doctor Who special where he goes to Roswell? Ugh… I still have nightmares about the character designs in that. Anyway, LET’S FIND OUT!!
The movie follows Sean (Robert Sheehan) who’s a run of the mill THIEF WITH A HEART OF GOLDTM who runs a clever little scam with his buddie Derek (Carlito Olivero) where they work as valets but rob their customers’ homes while they’re eating if they live close enough. The hauls may be pretty small as they only steal odds and ends, but it manages to keep them safe and out of crappy nine to five jobs. Sean’s an ARTIST after all and can’t compromise his integrity by taking pictures for CORPORATIONS and getting PAID A SALARY to do it! He’s got better plans; or at least he DID until he went into the wrong house. While rich asshole Cale (David Tennant) is enjoying a nice meal, Sean breaks into his house and finds a veritable cavalcade of loot but also finds a woman named Katie (Kerry Condon) strapped to a chair and with bruises all over her body. Not only that, but Cale seems to have cameras all over the house including one pointed directly at the girl so instead of trying to free her and risk getting caught, Sean just bolts and makes an anonymous tip to the cops. What Sean doesn’t realize is that Cale is not just a murderer, but is also a CLEVER one and above all VERY rich, so it doesn’t take long for him to piece together who it is that’s onto him and start enacting revenge against the starving artist. Honestly though, he doesn’t even need to bother because Sean is already beating himself up constantly over failing to save the girl and even tries to turn himself in to try and get the cops to listen, but to no avail. So Sean’s distracted by his own sense of misery while Cale is making things worse by ruining his life and even ruining the lives of those around him. Will Sean find a way to save Katie before Cale finally grows bored and stabs her in the face? What else does Cale have up his sleeve to keep Sean occupied, and it could it lead to even MORE murder? Who the heck thought that making David Tennant play The Master was a good idea!?
Geostorm and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures
Directed by Dean Devlin
We’ve been getting a LOT of delayed films this year, haven’t we? Tulip Fever took a while to come out, Rings took even longer, and that Amityville Horror sequel or reboot or whatever ended up failing so hard that it was released FOR FREE on Google Play. Not in theaters; on the same storefront where you download crappy Tetris knockoffs and flashlight apps. Now we’ve got this movie which may be the most interesting of the bunch simply because of how much money Warner Bros inevitably sunk into the damn thing to try and recoup its losses. Not quite as much as Monster Trucks, but certainly enough that you’d question if anyone behind this damn thing had heard of the Sunk Cost fallacy. Well it’s finally out now at probably the worst time imaginable (this story keeps getting better and better!) and with very little fan far from Warner Bros who may have finally realized it’s time to cut their losses. Does this movie manage to rise above its troubled production to deliver something at least somewhat enjoyable, or is this possibly an even bigger mess than The Snowman was? Okay, NOTHING is quite as shoddily put together as that film, but will this still be an absolute disaster and not in the way they were hoping for? Let’s find out!!
The movie takes place in the very near future where humanity finally came up with an idea on how to combat Global Warming. Not by recycling or embracing renewable imagery of course, but by putting a giant freaking net of satellites around the globe that can somehow shoot science beams at the earth whenever a tornado, hurricane, or anything else is about to threaten human lives. Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler), who I’m assuming got this brilliant idea from Highlander 2: The Quickening, is the one dude bad enough to put this whole project together which is nicknamed Dutch Boy but is kicked off the project for infuriatingly political reasons. Okay, he punched an inspector in the face, but what ELSE was he supposed to do!? Listen to what he had to say!? Anyway, his brother Max (Jim Sturgess) is the new head honcho of the project but the system starts to malfunction a few years down the road which leads to some isolated but very deadly weather events and no one knows what’s causing them. I guess it’s time for good ol’ Jake to reclaim his throne and go up to the satellite to see what the heck is causing these problems and hopefully stop it before it threatens all life on Earth. Will Jake solve the mystery before it’s too late and find out if its simple malfunctions or sabotage? What will Max find out back on Earth with the help of one of Dutch Boy’s programmers (Daniel Wu) and a hacker that he apparently knows in the State Department (Zazie Beetz)? Just how many things can they manage to blow up with a weather machine!?