Cinema Dispatch: Terminator Genisys

July 2, 2015September 8, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 7 Comments

Terminator Genisys and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Alan Taylor

They BETTER not make another Back to the Future movie is all I’m saying. Oh Hollywood. Is there no pile of garbage you won’t slap a brand onto and sell it for matinee prices? Do you even give a shit anymore, or am I just that naïve that I didn’t expect this to suck more than an industrial strength vacuum? Another Terminator film is upon us dear readers and as hard as it is to believe, this is the worst one. Now I haven’t seen Salivation since it was in theaters, but even THAT one managed to suck without pissing me off (at least as far as I recall). This one though? Oh you have NO IDEA what’s in store for you if you choose to spend your hard earned cash on this instead of more useful things like Taco Bell and lottery tickets. If you HAVE seen it already, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Just remember that you’re not alone. A lot of us witnessed this tragedy and we will all heal with time. You know what might help though? Sharing the pain with others. Let’s get started.

Terminator Genisys (THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL THAT!!!) is basically the Back to the Future 2 of the Terminator films only the quality is more on the level of Beastmaster 2. The movie starts by retconning Salvation where we see an alternate version of the future and the events that led to Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney who may remember from LAST year’s astoundingly terrible action film I, Frankenstein) going back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) as he did in the original. When he goes back though, everything has changed from the first film. Not only is there a T-1000 specifically hunting him, but Sarah Connor has already gone through the training she went through between Terminator 1 and 2, AND she’s also got a friendly Terminator that she calls Pops played by the lovable Austrian action star. It turns out that in THIS version of events, a T-1000 went back in time and tried to kill her when she was a child. It succeeded in killing her parents before getting destroyed by Arnie (I think) and she’s been living with him since then, training to become a warrior and the mother of the savior of humanity. How any of this works in the timeline is one of the great mysteries of cinema along with the Three Men and a Baby Ghost and the Munchkin Suicide.

“So wait. Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?” “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.” “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past? Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Party Pooped)

June 28, 2015July 3, 2016 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 5 Comments

We’re back with another chapter in Twilight’s Saga to become the Princess of Friendship! After last week’s summit that had mixed results, she’s trying once again to prove her political prowess by inviting Royalty from a reclusive kingdom to the city of Ponyville! So is this going to be a theme this season? Is the show going to be the adventures of The Princess of Friendship trying to navigate the complicated world of Pony politics? Equestrian House of Cards if you will? I’m totally up for it if that’s the case! Now the last episode was pretty heavily flawed, what with Spike continuing to be short shrifted by the writers, but this episode will at least have the benefit of Twilight not being unconscious for the majority of the running time. Can she do a better job than Spike did? Will her presence make this episode all the more enjoyable? Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with the Mane 6 getting things ready for the diplomatic visit and Twilight stressing out over it. Okay, so right off the bat I guess she doesn’t know what the heck she’s doing! That or she’s still having trouble managing the pressures of being a Princess.

“The Princess of Friendship does NOT get nervous before a diplomatic meeting, right? RIGHT!?” “Uh… sure Twilight. Whatever you say.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Dope

June 24, 2015September 2, 2020 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Dope and all the images you see in this review are owned by Open Road Films

Directed by Rick Famuyiwa

We are smack dab in the middle of the summer blockbuster boom-a-thon where you can’t chuck a rock without it exploding and narrowly avoiding a recognizable character from a long running franchise. Who knows? Maybe the movie going public is ready for something other than dinosaurs and superheroes for about a week or so and this might just fill that necessary niche. No wait, they released it the same day as Inside Out. You’re telling me that this movie, from the director of a Carlos Mencia vehicle (Our Family Wedding), is trying to go up against a Pixar film!? If ANY movie had the balls to go up against the Mouse House, then this is either a film they just want to dump in theaters to get it over with, or something REALLY special that they are confident everyone will take notice of. Before my pessimism overwhelms you all, it might just fall into the latter category considering the very solid trailers and the fact that it was produced by Forest Whitaker (who was actually in Our Family Wedding) and Pharrell Williams who was also responsible for the soundtrack. Well it HAS to be better than Mac and Devin go to High School at least… right? Anyway, the movie is primary about Malcolm who is a high school student in Los Angeles with a 4.0 GPA and wants to get into Harvard. Not only that, but he’s also a huge nerd for nineties hip-hop and its aesthetic (just look at his flat top) which makes him an even more obvious target for bullying. One day, he ends up going to a drug dealer’s party which gets raided by the cops and he barely manages to escape with his friends and the love interest he was chasing after in the party. The next day at school though, he finds that the drug dealer managed to sneak a big ol’ bag of dope into his back pack and he has a bunch of angry mother fuckers looking for it. As circumstances begin to snowball, he and friends try to do whatever they can to get rid of the drugs without getting shot or thrown in jail.

“So is this one of those life changing adventures where I learn a lot about myself along the way?” “You watch too many movies punk. JUST GIVE US THE DAMN DRUGS!!!”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Princess Spike)

June 23, 2015July 3, 2016 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

We’re back with another episode of Syndication is Magic! After reaching the 100^th episode milestone last week (seriously; if this show is huge on a no name channel, imagine how big it’ll be if Cartoon Network picked it up!?) we seem to be heading back into business as usual for the season. While we have gotten some highlights like the season premiere and the 100^th episode, things haven’t been as good as they should be for the series what with a bunch of filler episodes and unrealized potential. Not only does that have this episode going against it, but it’s another Spike episode which tend to be a mixed bag for me. Still, the last time he was the focus of the story was the very good Equestria Games, so maybe the writers have figured out how to write this character well and we’ll get another solid episode this time around. Let’s find out!!

The episode begins in Canterlot where the four princesses are holding a summit for the entirety of Equestria. I guess that means everyone’s going to put on a good show of peace, get a bunch of photo-ops, eat lots of fancy food, and accomplish absolutely nothing.

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Slice of Life) The 100th Episode!!

June 14, 2015July 3, 2016 ~ Matt Vetrano ~ 8 Comments

We’re back from the show’s three week hiatus with the ONE HUNDREDTH episode of the series! Did anyone think it would get this far? Well yes actually. I mean we’ve got two spin-off films and a theatrical movie coming out soon. This gravy train is gonna keep going until the wheels fall off, and even then they’ll find a way to milk it even further. Still, it seems like the creators are taking this episode VERY seriously and want to make something that is truly memorable for the fans who have kept this series going for so long. Is it a well done celebration of the show’s past and a hopeful look at the future, or is it a bad sign of things to come as the show slowly begins to lose relevance and creativity? Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with Matilda (Hey! We haven’t seen her for a while!) looking over her scrapbook which has gotten quite a few entries since the last time we saw it.