The Last Days of American Crime and all the images you see in this review are owned by Netflix
Directed by Olivier Megaton
With the world descending into righteous fury at the systems that have failed them for generations, there hasn’t been a whole lot of film news out there that has kept me on a regular routine which will certainly be a lurch if things DO ever get back to normal and they finally start releasing those movies we were supposed to get months ago. The only thing I’ve seen AT ALL about film in the last week or so (besides the Bill and Ted trailer which dropped the day I’m writing this) is some movie on Netflix getting the coveted ZERO PERCENT ON ROTTEN TOMATOES award, so here we are I guess; I’m gonna waste my time watching a movie that everyone already knows is terrible and it’s somehow going to be the most productive thing I’ve done since I, a grown-ass man, vomited up two thousand words telling you why the Scooby-Doo movie wasn’t very good. Can this movie with a very unwieldy title at least be better than THAT movie; especially since this has the edge of NOT charging you an arm and a leg to see it? Let’s find out!!
The movie follows a man named Graham Bricke (Édgar Ramírez) who certainly acts like such as he joylessly and emotionlessly goes from one horrific violent crime to another in what I can only assume is a near-future Michigan that’s about three months and a few missed orders from Deer Park from turning into a Mad Max hellscape. Things are about to be changed for the better, at least as far as the government is concerned, as they’ve developed a SUPER SCIENCE MIND CONTROL SIGNAL that will prevent anyone from knowingly committing a crime which I’m quite certain is what those 5G conspiracy theorists believe is actually going to happen. In any case, the people in this movie haven’t figured out how tin foil hats work and so they’ve resigned themselves to losing their free will; at least in the United States. Canada hasn’t developed a MIND CONTROL RAY and so the border has become fully militarized as people get shot to pieces trying to cross; all of which sounds like the filmmakers are trying to make a point but darned if I can find out what the heck this movie is trying to say! Bottom line is, Bricke gets recruited by some dude named Kevin Cash (Michael Pitt) for one last heist to steal a whole bunch of money from a government vault in the city before booking it for the Canadian border mere minutes before the government turns on their MIND CONTROL RAY and who have helpfully provided everyone with a countdown clock to the second as to when that will happen. Joining the crew is Cash’s girlfriend Shelby Dupree (Anna Brewster) who may or may not be the brains of this operation, and throw into that a conspiracy involving the death of Bricke’s brother to make a perfect storm of bad planning and bad timing for this heist that has to go off without a hitch! Can Bricke outrun his own past and set himself up for a nifty little retirement in the land of hockey and poutine? Does Cash have an ulterior motive to all of this that could get in the way of Bricke’s meticulous professionalism and throw this whole operation into chaos? If you were going to follow anyone into a ridiculously convoluted heist, would it REALLY be a guy who looks like an off-brand Jason Mewes?
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets and all the images you see in this review are owned by STX Entertainment and EuropaCorp
Directed by Luc Besson
As much as I would like a new Sci-Fi franchise to bring a bit of variety and challenge the Disney Monolith, I just couldn’t see this movie as anything more than a REALLY expensive mistake. Maybe that’s more of a commentary on the current state of Blockbuster Cinema than an observation of the movie itself (though the ho-hum trailers certainly didn’t help), but a movie THIS expensive looking based around a series of graphic novels that (as far as I can tell) didn’t end up having THAT much reach outside of its native France looked like the kind of disaster that can only be made by people REALLY passionate about what they’re doing. Now sometimes China can pick up the slack like it did with Pacific Rim which was a GOOD movie, but then other times not even they can save a doomed production like John Carter. Still, that’s all secondary when talking about whether a movie is good or not, and while the trailers didn’t really impressive me, there were certainly glimpses of something that could be great if the filmmaker knew how to take advantage of it. Does this movie manage to be a science fiction classic despite its box office prospects, or was everyone asleep at the wheel while Luc Besson spent an untold fortune bringing this comic book to life? Let’s find out!!
Major Valerian and Sergeant Laureline (Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne) are two space agents working for the Human government who are basically paid to be bad asses across the galaxy and supposedly have the ability to travel through time which I guess we’ll have to wait to see in the sequel. Anyway, Valerian is having dreams about some lost civilization whose planet was destroyed but he has no idea if these are premonitions of the future or something that happened long ago. Either way, his latest mission with Laureline JUST SO HAPPENS to converge with these mysterious dreams as there are a band of terrorists of sorts from an unknown race (I BET VALERIAN KNOWS WHO THEY ARE!) that are trying to get their hands on a rare MacGuffin Creature that Laureline is protecting as well as the current military leader of the Human government General Arün Filitt (Clive Owen). They manage to get the latter, but the former is still safely tucked away and both Valerian and Laureline, despite the protestations of their new commanding officer (Sam Spruell) try to chase them down. Valerian gets lost in the chase as do the terrorists, and so Laureline has to find him and then the both of them can these aliens who kidnapped the general… unless of course shenanigans with other aliens happen along the way, but that could NEVER happen in the city of a thousand planets, right!? Will Valerian and Laureline stop this new threat before it’s too late!? What is their ultimate goal once they have both the general and the MacGuffin Creature? Will Valerian be the next ACTION STAR to dominate the silver screen!? Well… probably not, but can he and Laureline STILL save the City of a Thousand Planets!?