Cinema Dispatch: Mortal Kombat II

Mortal Kombat II and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Simon McQuoid

These days, we’re used to faithful adaptations of geeky properties, but that wasn’t always the case. Movies based on video games, comic books, and other non-traditional media would often struggle to make the leap to the big screen as the filmmakers were too shy to put anything to weird or niche into a movie meant for general audiences. If these films were successful, however, it would give the greenlight for the follow-up to hew closer to the source material and would often lead to a better film. That’s what I kept thinking about as I saw the trailers for this movie which was making a conscious effort to give us something closer in tone and aesthetics to the games; an admirable enough goal as far as I’m concerned, but this is from the same team that gave us the borefest that was the last Mortal Kombat movie, so I’m still rather skeptical. Can they find a way to get in touch with what fans love about the game series, or are we stuck with yet another attempt to take the material far too seriously? Let’s find out!!

 Following the events of the last Mortal Kombat, where the warriors of Earthrealm successfully fended off Outworld, we follow the aging and washed up B-Movie star Johnny Cage (Karl Urban) who is stuck in a fate worse than death; working the convention circuit with nothing more than a folding table and a stack of old DVDs. Of course, he’s not stuck with this gig for much longer as Lord Raiden (Tadanobu Asano) summons him to be the newest member of Team Earthrealm in the upcoming tournament. Things are different this time around, however, as Shang Tsung (Chin Han) is no longer running the show, rather, the true emperor of Outworld Shao Kahn (Martyn Ford) is leading the charge himself along with his adopted daughter Kitana (Adeline Rudolph) and her bodyguard Jade (Tati Gabrielle) as well as other fighters that fans of the game will recognize. With Outworld bringing their A-Game and Earthrealm stuck with Johnny Cage to buff up their ranks, does Earth stand a chance against a renewed and very ticked off enemy? What other tricks does the duplicitous Outworlders have in store, and are they all fighting on the same team? Seriously, Johnny Cage is the best we could do? We couldn’t get Jason Statham or that guy from Kung Fu Hustle?

“I mean, I could do another season of The Boys, right? Heck, maybe they’ll let me play Dr. McCoy again…”

It’s clear from the marketing that Warner Bros wanted us to think this is a fun go-for-broke sequel to the very dull and gun-shy adaptation from a few years ago, but sadly, that is not the case here. There are improvements to be sure, but where the first one at least had a competent structure to it, this one is neigh incomprehensible as the plot keep shifting around , rules keep being established, and characters never get a chance to do anything other than react to the current situation. It’s a mess, and all the story elements being mashed together ultimately overwhelmed whatever improvements were made this time around.

As I said, the movie gets several things right this time around, though the improvements are mostly in isolated pockets. The fight scenes are the major improvement over the last one and there’s an absolute banger of a match early on with Liu Kang that I would put up there with some of the best the genre has to offer. We also have a strong cast of new challengers with Kitana and Jade both having plenty to do and interesting arcs to explore, and while most of the villains are disappointing this time around with an astonishingly dull Quan Chi on hand for no reason, our big-bad is absolutely fantasticc. I don’t know who this Martyn Ford guy is that they got to be Shao Khan, but the dude deserves a freaking medal for giving us such an iconic villain performance. He exudes a terrifying presence that genuinely sends chills down your spine, yet he’s not a mindless brute and carries himself with a certain amount of dignity and respect that makes you forget that he’s wearing a goofy Halloween mask the whole time; complete with LEDs in the eye sockets.

Everything else, however, is a complete wash. Johnny Cage is horribly miscast, but it’s not like the script is doing him any favors. This is the first time we get to see Johnny Cage in this film series and I have no idea why they decided that he’s a washed up star from the outset, other than to give us a reason for the over fifty Karl Urban to be cast. Perhaps if the movie cared to make him the central figure of the movie, then we could have worked something out with this premise, but he’s sharing screen time with Lui Kang, Kitana, Sonya, Raiden, and all the other mooks filling out the cast, so he’s just another tag along in the story that has way too many characters. What this ends up feeling like is an eight episode Netflix series that was mercilessly vivisected and stapled back together to fit a two hour run time which would explain the abundance of characters with hastily wrapped up arcs and no strong central idea to carry the whole story. It’s a testament to how poorly paced and structured this movie is that I’m somehow pining for the dull as dishwater plotting of the first one which may have been clichéd and boring, but it at least held together as a series of events that had a beginning, middle, and end. Here, we can barely get started with one idea before we’re switching gears; following up on a completely different thread, pointlessly referencing something from the games, or giving one of the characters five minutes to wrap up their arc. It culminates in a finale that is fairly well executed in terms of choreography and spectacle, but feels utterly hollow as we check off plot points one after the other with little fan-fare or a sense of consequence; especially with resurrection being introduced as an all-purpose plot-fixer. A movie with so much violence and death shouldn’t lack tension, and yet the breakneck pace and contrived circumstances leave us with nothing to grab onto. Characters come and go with little more than a sad sigh from the rest of the cast before we jump to the next fight scene or unfunny witticism, and while a certain amount of campiness would have been appreciated, it’s clear that the movie doesn’t want to be that. What it wants to be, though, seems to be nothing, given how it never commits to a signature style or tone, and that’s what I felt watching most of this; nothing, mixed with boredom and frustration.

Is there such a thing as a Bored-ality, or is that just another name for Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe?

Where the first film felt like a misguided attempt to take the lore seriously, this one comes off like a misguided attempt at pandering to the fanboys. True, it has more of what the first film was lacking, but in shoving all this fan service in, they pushed out anything resembling a story, and it only highlights the craft with which something like The Super Mario Galaxy Movie pulled off its paper thin storyline in service of its spectacle. Still, I can’t deny that what works about this movie and how much it does improve upon its lackluster predecessor in fits and spurts, but ultimately it’s a toss-up for me which one is better. Maybe the individual clips that will eventually show up on YouTube will be enough to carry this for some, but they would probably be better off watching those fatality compilations instead. At least there, you’ll have a more authentic Johnny Cage, and he can even fight The Terminator!

2.5 out of 5

HalloWWEen: DOOM

WWEDOOM0

DOOM and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak

Welcome one and all to this most SPOOKY time of the year!  For this Halloween, I’ll be reviewing horror movies as I’ve been known to do on occasion, only this time we’ll be doing something a LITTLE bit different!  With my recent fascination in the WWE and wrestling in general, I thought it’d be interesting to check out a few horror movies from some of the company’s most iconic stars, starting with the often maligned DOOM movie from 2005!  DOOM was one of the biggest attempts to bring a video game to the big screen but ended up bombing at the box office which kind of put the whole idea of adaptation these properties on hold for a while there; leaving the genre to be dominated by Resident Evil sequels and Uwe Boll until around 2016 when studios started getting confident once again and movies OTHER than Resident Evil could start making money.  Is it as bad people say it is, or is this Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson vehicle just a diamond in the rough looking for the right critic to give it the polish it needs?  Let’s find out!!

Before the opening credits we get a bit of narration which tells us that humans discovered a portal on Earth that led to Mars, and now that I think about it… isn’t that the plot of John Carter of Mars?  Why haven’t they run with that yet!?  Maybe that’s the surprise twist in DOOM: Eternal.  Now obviously with this being a DOOM movie, nothing can go well once you get your ass to Mars which these unlucky scientists are currently learning as the prologue picks up right as things are going to hell; literally I’m sure.  They are RUNNING their asses off to try and get away from some unseen (presumably demonic) threat, and the situation is SO critical that the fastest sprinter locks the sliding doors behind him; leaving the slower ones to die in very gory fashion!

WWEDOOM1
This is what happens when you don’t hold the elevator door.

Continue reading “HalloWWEen: DOOM”

Cinema Dispatch: Thor: Ragnarok

THORRAGNAROKCD0

Thor: Ragnarok and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Directed by Taika Waititi

After the rather disappointing Thor: The Dark World (HOW DO YOU WASTE THE BEST DOCTOR WHO IN SUCH A BLAND VILLAIN ROLE!?) I wasn’t really looking forward to what they’d do with this character in his solo films and was more interested to see if he’d show up in a bunch of the other movies instead.  Once those initial trailers hit with the heavy emphasis on fantastical Jack Kirby inspired designs and the rocking Led Zeppelin soundtrack, there seemed to be hope in this franchise digging itself out of the pit the sequel left it in.  At the very least, it LOOKED a lot pretty with much more vibrant colors, and it even manages to drag Jeff Goldblum into the MCU which in and of itself would make this movie worthy of existing even if everything else ends up being awful.  Does Thor’s third chance at the plate end up being one of the best films in the entire MCU, or did they just throw a lot of flash and money at a franchise that is just unable to find its place after telling the origin story?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with Thor (Chris Hemsworth) trying to find out what the heck Ragnarok is which was hinted at ALL the way back in Avengers: Age of Ultron.  Remember when he left the team to take a bath and saw some visions?  Yeah, apparently it was all foreshadowing of the destruction of Asgard in a calamity known as Ragnarok, so Thor is basically trying to find a way to stop it… whatever it may be.  In the meantime though, he manages to find out that Loki (Tom Hiddleston) has taken the place of Odin (Anthony Hopkins) who is actually alright as Loki basically stuck his ass in a retirement home on Earth, but when Thor goes down there to bring him back to the throne it turns out that he’s all out of time and disappears in a cloud of energy or something.  If that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out that one of the things he was doing when he was alive was keeping a hereto unknown daughter of his named Hela (Cate Blanchett) in some sort of magic prison which breaks as soon as he’s dead and so she’s come back for revenge against her family and all of Asgard.  Both Loki and Thor are dealt with rather quickly with the latter losing his famed hammer Mjolnir and landing on some mystery planet where he is captured by a mysterious woman (Tessa Thompson) and dragged to the planet’s ruler known as THE GRANDMASTER (Jeff Goldblum).  The once mighty God of Thunder and son of Odin is now put in chains and is forced to fight in gladiatorial matches in order to somehow earn his freedom and eventually find his way back home before Hela puts it inextricably under her vengeful thumb.  Can Thor find a way to escape the barbaric society run by the most fabulous of dictators?  What familiar faces will he find on this planet that can hopefully help him on his journey home?  How the heck is Thor gonna get around now that he doesn’t have his magic propeller hammer!?

THORRAGNAROKCD1
“THE GOD OF THUNDER DOESN’T NEED A HAMMER!  I JUST NEED TO FLAP MY ARMS REALLY FAST!!”     “Okay… well good luck with that!”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Thor: Ragnarok”

Cinema Dispatch: Pete’s Dragon

PDCD0

Pete’s Dragon and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios

Directed by David Lowery

Disney is at it again with another fresh milking of the nostalgic cash cow!  I really don’t know anything about the original Pete’s Dragon other than Don Bluth did the animation on it, so they won’t be hooking me in with that alone, but then I never had an affinity for Sleeping Beauty and still though Maleficent was one of the best movies of that year.  Can this new movie manage to capture the charm and spirit of the original film while also roping in new fans, or is this going to be as uninspired as The Jungle Book?  Wait; am I still the only one who didn’t like that?  Anyway, let’s find out!!

The movie begins with little Pete (Oakes Fegley) having to watch his parents die horribly as their car ends up flipping over on the interstate, though you’d think the airbags or seatbelts could have saved one of them considering it wasn’t a head on collision.  Well in any case, little Pete is all alone in the woods (who SHOULD be covered in his parents blood but I guess you can’t go there in a PG movie) and is about to be killed by wolves when something starts to approach from beyond the trees.  It turns out that there be dragons in these hills, and he takes little Pete to raise as one of his own.  Many years later, Pete is now at the ripe old age of ten and gets discovered in the woods by a… Forest Ranger I think called Grace (Bryce Dallas Howard) who takes him in and tries to get him acclimated to the real world before sending him off to the state.  While that’s going on, Gavin (Karl Urban) who works as a lumberjack (he’s either a manager or just an employee that everyone likes) and is certain that he saw something out in those woods and is gonna hunt it because… reasons.  Will Pete be reunited with his best friend?  Can they keep on going with their living arrangement now that Pete has had a taste of the good life as well as peanut butter?  Am I SERIOUSLY going to be the only one who didn’t care for this one, just like with The Jungle Book!?

PDCD1
Pictured: me writing this review

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Pete’s Dragon”

Cinema Dispatch: Star Trek Beyond

STBCD0

Star Trek Beyond and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Justin Lin

We’re once again invited to visit this new Star Trek universe, though it doesn’t quite have the same shine that it used to now that we saw the bafflingly mishandled Into Darkness, and even that really crappy video game that came out.  Remember that?  While we all may fondly remember the first reboot film in this series that kicked off this new universe, there’s no doubt that some damage has been done in the intervening years that it’s now up to this movie to start correcting.  Do they manage to steer the ship back on course, or should we all start heading for the lifeboats before this whole franchise crashes and burns?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the crew of the USS Enterprise who are in the middle of their five year mission to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and civilizations, and to boldly go where no one has gone before.  Of course, for some reason there’s a Federation space station in the middle of this supposed unknown, but whatever.  They need to fuel up the tank every once in a while.  Anyway, during their pit stop at the space station Yorktown, Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) is getting ready to give up his command of the Enterprise… for some reason, but can’t do it just yet as a distress ship manages to make it to Yorktown with an alien who’s begging Starfleet to help them out.  Kirk agrees to get everyone back on board the Enterprise (probably pissing off a lot of the crew in the process) and heads to wherever this planet is which honestly doesn’t seem to be too far but there’s a giant nebula between Yorktown and this mystery planet so maybe it’s just that no one wanted to fly straight through that.  Kirk does however, but once they make it to just outside the planet’s orbit, a fleet of a bajillion tiny ships tears the enterprise to shreds and the bad guy of this movie simply known as Krall (Idris Elba) JUST SO HAPPENS to find that the Enterprise is carrying the ONE piece of a superweapon that he’s been searching for all this time that’s only on the ship due to a fluke peace mission from some point during their five year mission.  Luckily Kirk manages to hide it before the ship goes down in flames, but now the crew is completely separated and needs to find a way to get back together, defeat Krall, and get the hell off this planet.  Spock and Bones McCoy (Zachary Quinto) are together constantly kvetching at each other, Scotty (Simon Pegg) ends up meeting a local alien trying to get herself off the planet too named Jaylah (Sofia Boutella), Uhura and Sulu (Zoe Saldana and John Cho) are captured by the enemy along with most of the remaining crew, and Kirk and Chekov (Anton Yelchin) are left with the alien who initially sent them to this planet and are working together to find what remains of the enterprise.  Can these heroes set aside their differences and work together so they can survive this mission?  What is Krall planning to blow up with the super weapon once he finally gets the pieces together?  Most importantly, just how grumpy can Bones get!?

STBCD1
“So what’s the plan again?”     “You forgot already?”     “Damn it Spock!  I’m a doctor, not a-”     “Alright fine!  I’ll explain it again!”     “Is he always like this?”     “All the time.”

Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Star Trek Beyond”