Cinema Dispatch: Crimson Peak

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Crimson Peak and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by Guillermo del Toro

Well at least SOMEONE decided to release a horror movie in October!  Seriously, why don’t we get horror movies during Spooky Month anymore?  Is it too obvious or something?  Well NOTHING’S too obvious for good old Guillermo Del Toro who’s bringing us a good old late Victorian era Haunted House feature that might as well come straight from Hammer Studios!  Can his Spook House thriller bring some life back to the genre which has been surviving off of found footage scraps for years now, or is he going to indulge way too much in what he loves to see to the point that he ends up only appealing to a niche audience with his big budget feature?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowska), an aspiring writer of ghost stories who’s having trouble getting her magnum opus published.  Despite being the daughter of a rather wealthy contractor in New York city with plenty of connections, no one seems interested in selling a ghost story written by a female and would rather have her write some tween love story.  I guess ghosts are next on the list for Twilight-ification (if they haven’t been already) but Edith is not willing to compromise on her vision, especially because it comes from a very personal place.  Edith’s mother died when she was fairly young and a couple of days later she was visited by her ghosts.  Now it doesn’t seem like Edith has seen a ghost since then, but that night has stuck with her since then, especially considering that her Ghost Mom could see the future and warned her to be wary of CRIMSON PEAK!!  While struggling with this, her father is visited by a British Baronet named Thomas Sharpe (Tom Hiddleston) who’s trying to get her father to invest in his clay extraction machine while also getting moon eyes for the lovely Edith.  He’s not alone on his journey however and has come to America with his sister Lucille (Jessica Chastain) but all she seems interested in is standing off to the side and giving off bad vibes.  This doesn’t deter the budding romance between Edith and Thomas however and after some horrifying event befalls the young Edith, she leaves the United States and is whisked away by her knight in shining armor to be his bride.  Once at the family home though, it’s clear that there’s MUCH more going on than Thomas led on during their courtship which I think was about a month.  What secrets does the rickety manor have that Thomas and Lucille are trying to hide?  Will Edith’s power to see ghosts come in handy or be a curse that slowly drives her mad?  If we can’t have Silent Hills, is this at least a decent replacement!?

“THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!”     “Yeah, that ain’t gonna work.”     “Ah hell…”
“THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!”     “Yeah, that ain’t gonna work.”     “Ah hell…”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Green Inferno

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The Green Inferno and the slightly edited poster in this review are owned by Universal Pictures

Directed by Eli Roth

Green Inferno may be the worst movie that I have ever seen in my life. I’m never felt so emotionally drained and damaged coming out of a movie. I don’t know who the target audience is for this movie, but I do hope that they don’t like this movie either because I just can’t see the appeal of this outside of some really cynical theories.  Is it that people just want blood and guts?  Well I like blood and guts too, but I certainly didn’t like it in here.  Is it the fact that everyone in the movie is either a terrified victim or an irredeemable monster?  I’ve seen lots of horror movies where that’s the case, and while I think the genre needs to outgrow that dynamic (it’s boring more than anything else) it was done to a level here that feels damn near pornographic or, perhaps more appropriately, sadistic.

I regret that tweet a bit.  I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.
I regret that tweet a bit.  I doubt that Eli Roth hates you or anyone else.

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Cinema Dispatch: The Visit

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The Visit and all the images you see in this review are owned byUniversal Pictures

Directed by M Night Shyamalan

Oh good god, we have another M Night Shyamalan movie!  After the travesty of… well everything after Signs, you’d think that he’d no longer be a big name director in Hollywood.  Still, people kept giving him projects and he kept making terrible movies, culminating with the utter disaster that was After Earth.  It seems though that he’s finally had to step down somewhat and has now released a low budget film with barely any recognizable actors and found footage gimmick.  Will getting back to basics be exactly what this filmmaker needs to get his directing chops back, or is it too late for the man who could have been one the great auteurs of our time?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Becca and Tyler (played by Olivia DeJonge and Ed Oxenbould), who are on a trip to see their grandparents.  Their mother (Kathryn Hahn) had left things on pretty bad terms when she ran away to be with the man who would end up being the kids’ father, and she hasn’t spoken to them since then.  Only recently did they get back in contact with their daughter and would like to have their grandchildren come visit them some time.  An opportunity presents itself where the mother would need someone to look after the kids for a week, so she decides to let the kids go see them.  The reason for the found footage approach with this film is that Becca is a filmmaker in her own right and wants to make a documentary of their trip to their grandparents house to not only go for an Oscar, but to show the footage to her mother to help her get over whatever it was that kept her away from her parents for so long.  Of course, once they get to the grandparents’ house, things slowly start to get out of hand as both of them seem to exhibit strange and occasionally dangerous behaviors.  Are these two the victims of some sort of degenerative neurological disease, or is there something more sinister at play?

“Oh don’t mind Granny.  She just get possessed by Pazuzu everyone once in a while.”
“Oh don’t mind Granny.  She just get possessed by Pazuzu everyone once in a while.”

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Living on Netflix: Horns

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You know, considering how big of a child star Danielle Radcliffe was, he’s doing pretty well for himself.  He tends not to take big budget fare and instead prefers to hang around in the indie scene while he polishes his chops.  Sure, he was in The Woman in Black, but it’s hardly one of those soulless studio hack horror films that OTHER cast members found themselves in (*cough*The Apparition*cough*).  With all that said, let’s look at this dark fairy tale from 2013 called Horns.  Is it another example of Daniel Radcliffe building his artist credibility, or is it a misstep in the young actor’s post Harry Potter career?  Let’s find out!!

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Living on Netflix: Madhouse

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That’s it! I’m SICK of all these crappy modern movies that try to call themselves horror! Even the great filmmakers like Argento can’t make anything worth a damn in today’s world. This time, I’m looking for something OLD! How old? Most of it’s cast better be fucking dead by now if I’m gonna sit through it! So let’s see… a movie starring Vincent Price AND Peter Cushing!? HELL YEAH!! Today we’re gonna take a look at film from 1974 called Madhouse. Is it a lost gem from the golden age of horror, or is it a well forget obscurity that both those great men wished everyone would ignore? There’s only one way to find out and that’s to keep on reading!!

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Living on Netflix: Dario Argento’s Dracula 3D

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You know what?  ENOUGH with these lousy horror films by no name directors!  I’m tired of this new-fangled independent crap, or these massively overproduced snore fests!  Give me a movie made by a director who KNOWS what the hell he’s doing!!  What’s that?  Dario Argento made a Dracula film a few years ago?  Well what the hell are we waiting for!?  With a director THAT good, it has to be amazing… right?  I mean, I guess it COULD be a piece of crap by an aging film maker who’s still trying to hack it long after his creative spark has dissipated, but that’s not even a REMOTE possibility… right?  Well there’s only one way for you to find out which one it is, and that’s to keep on reading!!

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Living on Netflix: Texas Chainsaw 3D

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A few years ago, the good people over at Lionsgate felt that at least one more film could be cobbled together from the remains of one of the original slasher killers, but didn’t think that making another remake this soon would be a very good idea.  Not one to NOT beat a dead horse, they decided to make a SEQUEL to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre instead.  The strangest thing about this one though is that Tobe Hooper who directed the original and its sequel came out and supported this film during its initial release, claiming it to be a true follow up in both story and quality to his horror masterpiece.  Has Tobe Hooper sold his soul in order to pump up the sales of a subpar film, or does this really capture the spirit of what made the original so iconic?  Considering the title ends in 3D, I’m gonna guess the former, but the only way to find out for sure is to keep on reading!!

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Living on Netflix: VHS 2

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Can’t really escape it can I?  The first one was a flawed mess, but had some potential that a sequel could easily improve upon.  Not only that, but there’s a third movie coming out soon which makes this review quite relevant.  So then, do they improve on the mistakes made in the last one, or are they just going to make the same mistakes that every other horror sequel makes by making it bigger but losing the spark of originality that made the previous one noteworthy?  There’s only one way to find out and that’s to keep on reading!!

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Living on Netflix: VHS

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If I’m gonna spend the month of October reviewing horror movies, at some point I’ve got to talk about anthologies.  Horror is by far the most prolific genre when it comes to combining short films into a movie with classic examples like Creepshow, Three Extremes, and Trick ‘r’ Treat.  I imagine that the reason why horror is the preferred genre is that it’s probably the easiest one to still work effectively in a shorter time frame.  The fear of death or harm is easily conveyed, and an audience doesn’t need as much backstory to root for characters to survive as they would for say, a tragic romance or a story about revenge.  V/H/S has been on my radar for a while now and has generally been well received for the creative way it was able to combine several tropes of the horror genre (found footage, anthologies, etc) with a format that many fans believe was the best way to experience these kinds of films.  So does this movie actually succeed in being a throwback to a period in horror that’s fondly remembered, or is it a mishmash of poorly done short films held together by a shaky premise?  Only one way to find out, and that’s to keep on reading!!

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