Tag Archives: Emilia Clarke

Cinema Dispatch: Solo: A Star Wars Story

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Solo: A Star Wars Story and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Directed by Ron Howard

Well I guess we were destined to get one of these sooner than later, and all I can say is… I’m glad we at least aren’t starting with Boba Fett.  I mean it looks like we’re getting one of those no matter what, but out of all the characters to get a prequel… Han isn’t dead last?  Eh… look.  Han Solo is FINE, but what exactly do we need to know about him that isn’t made readily apparent the first time we see him Mos Eisley Cantina?  Then again, him being a smuggler almost makes him a perfect candidate for a decent action film as smugglers tend to get in more gun fights than say… a farm boy on Tatooine, but is that enough to sustain a Star Wars movie?  Probably, at least for me, but let’s find out!!

The movie begins with Han (Alden Ehrenreich), who will soon be taking the surname Solo, on the planet Corellia hustling for his meals and dodging fellow street rats to keep himself alive.  The only thing that keeps him going are his dreams of owning his own ship as well as his one true love Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke) who is similarly stuck running con games in the back alleys of this crap hole planet, but fortune soon finds its way to them as Han finds something JUST valuable enough to get them both a one way ticket off this planet and to a new life!  The good news is he manages to escape, but the bad news is that Qi’ra gets caught JUST at the last second which means that Han has to get a jump start on that whole “getting a ship and making boat loads of cash” thing so that he can come back for Qi’ra and they can live happily ever after!  Hm… but what’s the best way to GET a spaceship in an Empire controlled section of the galaxy?  Oh hey!  Aren’t they CONSTANTLY recruiting new red shirts to take bullets and fail to hit their targets!  Sounds like a good way to at least take the first step to earning a livable wage and get the training he needs to survive on his own!  From there things get complicated as Han is not what you’d call a MODEL solider, and ends up with a band of smugglers (Woody Harrelson, Thandie Newton, and Jon Favreau) as well as a new Wookie friend of his named Chewbacca (Joonas Suotama).  Funny story how they met, but I won’t spoil it here!  So now that he has a crew to run with (after deserting the Empire) and a way to FINALLY make all that sweet cash he needs, he can set his sights on going back to save Qi’ra from whatever fate has befallen her in the years that he’s been gone, right?  Well not exactly as things are ALWAYS more complicated than they seem, which includes a SUPER gangster named Dryden (Paul Bettany) who has a bone to pick with this little band of misfits, the ultimate fate of Qi’ra which is VERY different from what Han had imagined, and even a slick hot shot named Lando (Donald Glover) who’s always one step ahead and laughing about it the whole time!  Can Han survive in this world of backstabbers, sharpshooters, and expert gamblers long enough to get his own ship and start a life with the woman he loves?  Just what did the smugglers do to Dryden, and what chances do they have of ACTUALLY making it right again?  How the heck do you even play holo-chess anyway!?

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THE SECRETS OF STAR WARS YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW!!

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Cinema Dispatch: Terminator Genisys

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Terminator Genisys and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Alan Taylor

They BETTER not make another Back to the Future movie is all I’m saying.  Oh Hollywood.  Is there no pile of garbage you won’t slap a brand onto and sell it for matinee prices?  Do you even give a shit anymore, or am I just that naïve that I didn’t expect this to suck more than an industrial strength vacuum?  Another Terminator film is upon us dear readers and as hard as it is to believe, this is the worst one.  Now I haven’t seen Salivation since it was in theaters, but even THAT one managed to suck without pissing me off (at least as far as I recall).  This one though?  Oh you have NO IDEA what’s in store for you if you choose to spend your hard earned cash on this instead of more useful things like Taco Bell and lottery tickets.  If you HAVE seen it already, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Just remember that you’re not alone.  A lot of us witnessed this tragedy and we will all heal with time.  You know what might help though?  Sharing the pain with others.  Let’s get started.

Terminator Genisys (THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL THAT!!!) is basically the Back to the Future 2 of the Terminator films only the quality is more on the level of Beastmaster 2.  The movie starts by retconning Salvation where we see an alternate version of the future and the events that led to Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney who may remember from LAST year’s astoundingly terrible action film I, Frankenstein) going back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) as he did in the original.  When he goes back though, everything has changed from the first film.  Not only is there a T-1000 specifically hunting him, but Sarah Connor has already gone through the training she went through between Terminator 1 and 2, AND she’s also got a friendly Terminator that she calls Pops played by the lovable Austrian action star.  It turns out that in THIS version of events, a T-1000 went back in time and tried to kill her when she was a child.  It succeeded in killing her parents before getting destroyed by Arnie (I think) and she’s been living with him since then, training to become a warrior and the mother of the savior of humanity.  How any of this works in the timeline is one of the great mysteries of cinema along with the Three Men and a Baby Ghost and the Munchkin Suicide.

“So wait.  Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?”     “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.”     “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past?  Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”

“So wait.  Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?”     “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.”     “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past?  Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”

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