Tomb Raider and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures
Directed by Roar Uthaug
ANOTHER video game movie!? Haven’t we tried that like forty times already!? Well that’s a bit unfair. I’ve always maintained that a good chunk of them are actually pretty good for their respective genres such as the first Mortal Kombat, and we’ve rebooted the video game franchise since the LAST time we were making films off of this series, so an updated interpretation with brand new Lara Croft could really be something if they get the right people behind it! Does this manage to be the first video game movie to be one that EVERYONE thinks is good instead of just me? Let’s find out!!
Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) is the daughter of a world renowned… business man I guess (Dominic West) considering her family is renting that building from Iron Fist, but she doesn’t hang around much anymore since her father disappeared several years ago. Instead, she spends most of her time MMA training and working in the Gig Industry; riding her bike for fun AND profit! However, an associate of her father (Kristin Scott Thomas) has to bail her out of trouble due to a situation that REALLY wasn’t her fault (how do you get arrested for getting hit by a car!?) and she insists that Lara give up this lifestyle to finally claim her birthright and the millions of dollars that go with it. All she has to do is sign the documents confirming once and for all that her father is dead (is that a thing? Does a family member have to sign those in order for a missing person to be declared dead?) which she’s been reluctant to do as she still thinks he’s out there somewhere. She might just be right about that when she finds her father’s secret laboratory where he left a final message for Lara; telling her to burn all his research to the ground and to not look for him. Naturally she doesn’t do that because who WOULD just give up after getting some pretty solid evidence that could lead to where he is, and so she enlists the help of a fisherman (Daniel Wu) whose father was connected to Lara’s and the two set off to some MYSTERIOUS ISLAND! The good news is that it’s not Skull Island and teeming with giant monsters. The bad news? Well there are a bunch of dudes with guns looking for something on the island, and the head dude named Vogel (Walton Goggins) thinks that Lara might hold the key to finding it. Will Lara be able to find what these men are looking for as well as finding her father in the process? What are the sinister plans that Vogel has in store once he locates this mysterious artifact? You know, we keep going on about her dad, but are we SURE that her mother is dead too? All I’m saying is that if Angelina Jolie doesn’t show up in the sequel, I’m going to be VERY disappointed!
“The Colonel’s secret recipe is right behind this door. Once I unlock it, those eleven herbs and spices will be MINE!!”
Geostorm and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures
Directed by Dean Devlin
We’ve been getting a LOT of delayed films this year, haven’t we? Tulip Fever took a while to come out, Rings took even longer, and that Amityville Horror sequel or reboot or whatever ended up failing so hard that it was released FOR FREE on Google Play. Not in theaters; on the same storefront where you download crappy Tetris knockoffs and flashlight apps. Now we’ve got this movie which may be the most interesting of the bunch simply because of how much money Warner Bros inevitably sunk into the damn thing to try and recoup its losses. Not quite as much as Monster Trucks, but certainly enough that you’d question if anyone behind this damn thing had heard of the Sunk Cost fallacy. Well it’s finally out now at probably the worst time imaginable (this story keeps getting better and better!) and with very little fan far from Warner Bros who may have finally realized it’s time to cut their losses. Does this movie manage to rise above its troubled production to deliver something at least somewhat enjoyable, or is this possibly an even bigger mess than The Snowman was? Okay, NOTHING is quite as shoddily put together as that film, but will this still be an absolute disaster and not in the way they were hoping for? Let’s find out!!
The movie takes place in the very near future where humanity finally came up with an idea on how to combat Global Warming. Not by recycling or embracing renewable imagery of course, but by putting a giant freaking net of satellites around the globe that can somehow shoot science beams at the earth whenever a tornado, hurricane, or anything else is about to threaten human lives. Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler), who I’m assuming got this brilliant idea from Highlander 2: The Quickening, is the one dude bad enough to put this whole project together which is nicknamed Dutch Boy but is kicked off the project for infuriatingly political reasons. Okay, he punched an inspector in the face, but what ELSE was he supposed to do!? Listen to what he had to say!? Anyway, his brother Max (Jim Sturgess) is the new head honcho of the project but the system starts to malfunction a few years down the road which leads to some isolated but very deadly weather events and no one knows what’s causing them. I guess it’s time for good ol’ Jake to reclaim his throne and go up to the satellite to see what the heck is causing these problems and hopefully stop it before it threatens all life on Earth. Will Jake solve the mystery before it’s too late and find out if its simple malfunctions or sabotage? What will Max find out back on Earth with the help of one of Dutch Boy’s programmers (Daniel Wu) and a hacker that he apparently knows in the State Department (Zazie Beetz)? Just how many things can they manage to blow up with a weather machine!?
“Damn it! I knew we shouldn’t have stored all those recalled Samsung phones in there!”
Warcraft and all the images you see in this review are owned by Universal Pictures
Directed by Duncan Jones
On the one hand, we are now in an age where four different video game movies are getting wide releases at the theater! On the other hand, two of them have been far from impressive so far and Assassin’s Creed looks as dull as dishwater. I guess all we have left to give us hope is this film based on one of gaming’s most influential franchises… that I know nothing about. Does this manage to bring in new fans while satisfying Blizzard die hards, or is this gonna be yet another example of why we just shouldn’t expect much from video game movies? Let’s find out!!
The movie is about… too many things, but in the broadest terms it’s about the war between the Orcs and the Humans of Stormwind. See the Orcs kinda fucked up their own planet (or it’s dying of natural causes) and so they need to go through a dimensional portal to find a new place and take it over. Our key Orc players in this are Durotan (Toby Kebbell) who’s the chieftain of one of the Orc tribes that’s the first to notice that things seem to be amiss with the leadership, Gul’dan (Daniel Wu) who is said leadership and uses dark magic all over the place, and Garona (Paula Patton) who’s a half breed and gets captured by the humans early on. Now the Humans are led by King Llane (Dominic Cooper), his right hand man Sir Anduin Lothar (Travis Fimmel), a young sorcerer who first notices the dark magic being used by this new threat named Khadgar (Ben Schnetzer) and some super mage given the title of The Guardian who I guess just sits in a tower waiting to be called upon named Medivh (Ben Foster). As stated earlier, Garona is captured by the Humans early on during an unsuccessful raid by the Orcs, but it is during this fight that Durotan realizes just how bad the magic shit that Gul’dan has been throwing around is and decides to overthrow him to save the Orcs from the dark magic. While he’s doing that, the Humans begin mounting a counter effort with the help of Garona, but Medivh may not be quite up to the task of taking on this new dark magic which does not bode well for the Kingdom of Stormwind. Can the Humans fight back from this invading force? Can Durotan stop the OBVIOUSLY EVIL dark mage from… corrupting the souls of the Orcs I guess? Does anyone else think this should have been a TV show instead?