Cinema Dispatch: Jane Got a Gun

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

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Jane Got a Gun and all the images you see in this review are owned by The Weinstein Company

Directed by Gavin O’Connor

January began with Oscar overflow from 2015, and it plans to end with… well not Oscar bait, but something MUCH classier looking than the usual January fare.  We’ve got Academy Award winner Natalie Portman producing this western about a woman making a stand against those who wish to destroy her.  Hell, take off the cowboy hats and replace the pistols with legal briefs and you basically have Erin Brockovich!  Still, if they expected this movie to be any good, they wouldn’t have released it in January.  Then again, we got The Boy in January, and that one turned out to be pretty great.  Could it be that we have ANOTHER January success story on our hands?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins at a small house out in the country which is the homestead of Jane Hammond (Natalie Portman) and her young daughter.  Her husband Bill (Noah Emmerich) is arriving home after… doing cowboy things, but is in pretty bad shape as he had a run in with the Bishop Boys gang.  He managed to get away by the skin of his teeth, but the Bishops’ aren’t about to let him escape after what he and Jane had done to them in the past.  It won’t take them too long to find their house, and with Bill out of commission Jane must prepare for what happens next.  He drops off their daughter at a friend’s house before seeking out Dan Frost (Joel Edgerton) who was her fiancée at one point, but all that changed some time ago in a backstory that we are drip fed throughout the movie.  The sad bastard has been drinking himself to death since finding out that Jane had married someone else, but he eventually agrees to help her fend off the bad guys for some money, though it’s clearly an attempt by him to get back in her good graces.  Armed with a couple of guns, some dynamite, and a few tricks that Dan picked up in the Civil War, the two of them prepare for the attack by the Bishop Gang led by John Bishop himself (Ewan McGregor).  Not only that, but they finally have a chance to discuss what had happened between them all those years ago which could lead to some unexpected revelations for the both of them.  Oh, and Bill’s hanging around there somewhere in the back; slowly dying from his multiple gunshot wounds.  Will they be able to put aside their differences long enough to stay alive, or will this uneasy love triangle be the death of them long before the Bishops get there?  Will there be very reasonable explanations for Jane’s actions that Dan should have PROBABLY guessed about instead of sulking for the last few years?  Did anyone manage to sit through this entire movie without passing out from boredom?

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“Just hit the target.”     “Okay.  I got this.”     *Bang*     “Hold on.”     *Bang*     “Hold on.”     *Bang*     “hold on, wait.  I got it.”     *Bang*     “Hold on.”     “Ugh…”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Boy

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 5 Comments

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The Boy and all the images you see in this review are owned by STX Entertainment

Directed by William Brent Bell

Today is a day of celebration!  As hard as it is to believe, there is a movie released in January that is actually worth seeing.  It’s not just good; it’s GREAT and honestly hasn’t been selling itself as anything other than a low budget gimmicky horror cash grab which oddly enough ISN’T a Blumhouse joint.  Hell, maybe that’s the key difference here.  Blumhouse releases so many films a year (some good, some bad) that it took a fresh studio to get this right!  Oh wait.  This is STX Entertainment, and their only other releases were Secret in the Eyes which is one of the most poorly executed drama’s I’ve ever seen, and The Gift which is supposed to be really good but is also a Blumhouse collaboration.   Eh, they’re still a pretty new studio and this defiantly a great film to have as your third outing!  Just how good is it?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows Greta (Lauren Cohan) who has recently been hired by the Heelshire family (Jim Norton and Diana Hardcastle) to be the nanny for their son Brahms for a few weeks as they go out on holiday. For some reason, this family living in a preeminent estate in the British countryside (where there obvious is no wi-fi or cell reception) hired a nanny ALL the way from freaking Montana but Greta is more than happy to get away from her old life and hopes to get a fresh start or at least some time to get herself together.  Seems perfect, right?  Well what they failed to mention in their want ad is that the boy in question is actually a porcelain doll with the perfectly parted hair of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and eyes that stare into the darkest depths of your soul.  Clearly the two owners of this house have… issues that need to be resolved but they certainly aren’t taking this holiday to see a therapist, so Greta is all alone in the house with the doll and the only company she has is the weekly visit from the grocery delivery guy Malcolm (Rupert Evans) and the occasional phone call from her sister.  Now the couple has entrusted her with their son and have given her a list of rules and daily activities that she needs to follow in order to keep him happy, but Greta reasonably (though obviously wrongly) ignores these as the doll is… well a doll.  Strange things begin to happen however and with no rational explanation for these events, she begins to turn to the irrational which could mean that the doll is actually alive.  Will she be able to survive in this house with the doll constantly creeping on her?  Has she simply lost her mind due to the isolation of this estate and the over looming threat of her past coming back to find her?  WHY IS IT STILL LOOKING AT ME!?!?

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“Turn around, or I SWEAR I’ll start drawing dicks on your face!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Dirty Grandpa

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 11 Comments

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Dirty Grandpa and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Dan Mazer

Oh look!  A January comedy!  THOSE ARE ALWAYS GREAT, RIGHT?  Okay fine, we are definitely in the dumping ground season so anything that comes out now is either a piece of crap that got pushed back or an earnest effort trying to make a name for itself but wasn’t confident it could hack it any other time of the year.  Still, we all love Robert De Niro, right?  It’s not like he’s been in a bad comedy before… oh wait.  Boy, there is not a lot going for this movie.  How bad can it be?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the misadventures of Jason Kelly (Zac Efron) and his grandfather Dick (Robert De Niro) whose wife had just died and he plans to honor her memory by going to Florida as they had already planned to do before her death.  He needs someone to drive him because his driver’s license has been revoked, and the only one with a big enough heart to help the guy in his time of need is the aforementioned grandson.  Despite having his wedding only a week away (as well as an important meeting at the law firm coming up soon), he takes the old man on this trip from George to Florida but finds out very quickly that the man’s switch has flipped so hard that now he’s masturbating without warning, drinking constantly, and trying to stick his finger up the dresses of any girl he comes across.  Will the very uptight and nervous Jason be able to handle this brand new grandpa that has entered his life?  Will Robert De Niro get to fuck at least one more time before he dies?  What obvious revelations will the both of them make over this bonding experience which involves massive amounts of drugs, multiple arrests, and swastika dicks?  Does anyone else get the sense that this movie is trying WAY too hard?

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“Can you believe they’re PAYING me for this shit?”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 10 (The Cursed Bus: Enter Mars, the Guardian of Fire)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Kazuhisa Takenouchi

We’re back with another episode of Sailor Moon: The Early Years!  It hasn’t been that long since Ami became a member of the team, but now we’re moving ahead to the next scout, Sailor Mars!  Once again, this is a story that was covered in Sailor Moon Crystal, so that begs the question; is this a better interpretation of Rei Hino’s introduction, or will this be an example of Crystal improving on what had already been done before?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins as most episodes do with Queen Beryl giving Jadeite the business end of her sharp tongue as she berates him for his continued failures to stop the Scouts.

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“I swear Jadeite, if you don’t stop them this time I will kill you myself!”     “Uh… I’m putting in for my two weeks’ notice.”     “WHAT!?”

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Super Recaps: Cutie Honey the Live Episode 3 (Nurse and Explore!)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

We’re back with another episode of the best live action series based on a Go Nagi work!  I mean, at least as far as I can think of.  Sure, there’s like twenty Kekko Kamen movies but has anyone besides me actually WATCHED any of them?  Yeah… this is better.  ANYWAY!!  The last episode was an improvement on the first, but can this one continue that trend and improve the series even further?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with a bit of Déjà vu considering that once again Cutie Honey is on the ropes and is about to get taken out by the Panther Claw dude which is exactly how the LAST episode began.  Hayami recognized this pattern as well and does his best to sneak past the Panther Claw dude so that he can save Honey.

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“Act natural.  There’s no way this isn’t working!!”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 9 (Usagi’s Disaster: Beware of the Clock of Confusion)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Harume Kosaka

We’re back with another episode of Sailor Moon Not Crystal, which is DOUBLY true because we’ve switched back to filler episodes after the last one was from the actual manga and therefore was worthy of being remade in the new show.  The good thing about filler episodes though is how much character building you can get out of it which is especially important now that the show is no longer the Luna and Usagi Adventures.  Ami Mizuno (Sailor Mercury) joined the cast last time and while I thought that the relationship between her and Usagi just wasn’t built up all that much in that episode, I knew that episodes like this would be on the way to fill in the gaps and get them to really bond as friends and Sailor Scouts.  Does this episode live up to those expectations, or will it take a bit more time for them to really get along?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with Jadeite getting a stern talking to by his beloved mistress for failing so hard at his last scheme that there are now twice as many threats to their continued efforts to take over the world.

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“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED OUT THERE!?”     “Well how was I supposed to know the book worm had magic powers!?”     “Oh, so it’s EVERYONE else’s fault but yours.  That’s your BRILLIANT defense right now!?”     “I’m feeling that this work environment is becoming hostile.”     “WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE!?!?”

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Cinema Dispatch: 2015 Catch Up

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Like any decent film critic, I’ve had a couple of movies that I promised myself I would eventually get to, but then they ended up slipping through the cracks for so long that I had given up hope on ever getting back to them.  Well no more I say!  Not only am I catching up on two movies I saw in 2015 that I never got to talk about, I have just recently had the chance to watch two other films from 2015 that are definitely worth discussing!  So without procrastinating another second, here are four movies from the past year that I now have the chance to review!!

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Rock the Kasbah and all the images you see in this review are owned by Open Road Films

Directed by Barry Levinson

Ah yes.  The one where Bill Murray saves Afghanistan.  See, THIS movie got a bit crowded out because it came to theaters the same week as Jem and the Holograms and The Last Witch Hunter.  CLEARLY I was very busy at the time writing reviews for two of the worst movies of the year and things just snowballed after that to the point that I never got my thoughts down on this movie.  It may have been the best movie of that week by a long shot, but that’s not saying a hell of a whole lot considering the not so stiff competition it was up against.  Is it any good without the direct comparison to the garbage it was surrounded by when it was at the box office?  Let’s find out!!

Richie Lanz (Bill Murray) is a guy who will try to get you to fall for anything, and probably believes half the bullshit that he’s spewing.  At one time he was a somewhat successful manager to some big acts, but nowadays he just hangs out in his hotel room/office scamming wannabe singers out of some cash while trying to promote one of  his clients Ronnie (Zooey Deschanel) who might actually have a bit of talent if he can just get her a break.  Opportunity comes a knocking one night where a military man sees her perform and suggest that Richie take her on a USO tour in Afghanistan which is supposed to pay very well with only a slight chance of death in the process.  Richie’s all on board but Ronnie eventually reveals that she’s not into being somewhere that rough and not long after arriving in Kabul, she robs him of all his money as well as his passport; leaving him without any identification and in debt to the mercenary (Bruce Willis) who got Ronnie out of the country and was only given half his fee in the process with promises that Richie had the rest.  Will he be able to scramble up enough money to pay back the mercenary and get his ass out of the country?  Well that actually becomes pretty moot as the REAL plot involves a young woman in a nearby village named Salima Khan (Leem Lubany) who can sing like an angel but will be killed if anyone in her fundamentalist village (and almost anyone her in her fundamentalist country apparently) hears her do it.  Richie though sees fame and fortune in the story and eventually convinces her to join an American Idol like competition (Afghan Star) which has never had a female singer on before, and the rest of the movie is basically the fallout of that with Richie learning some lessons about himself along the way!

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“I co-wrote this one from Stevie Nicks back in 1990.  She didn’t like the lyrics, but we got a top 100 hit out of it.  SOMETIMES IT’S A BITCH!!  SOMETIMES IT’S A BREEZE!!!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: The Forest

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 7 Comments

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The Forest and all the images you see in this review are owned by Gramercy Pictures and Icon Film Distribution

Directed by  Jason Zada

No point in putting it off any longer!  It’s time to watch a January movie.  Not an Oscar film that didn’t deign to show itself to the public until after the new year such as The Revenant or The Hateful Eight.  Nope.  One of this REALLY terrible movies that comes out during the worst month of the year because it couldn’t hack it against the movies that come out any other time of the year.  The month that brought us The Devil’s Due, Blackhat, and Texas Chainsaw 3D is now bring forth one of its 2016 sacrificial lambs in the form of The Forest.  Yeah… this movie doesn’t have a whole lot going for it, especially considering it’s set in Japan yet manages to still have a mostly white case.  It still COULD be a surprise gem, right?  Probably not, but let’s find out!!

The movie follows Sara Price (Natalie Dormer) as she goes to Japan to find her sister who has recently disappeared in the Aokigahara Forest.  If you’re not aware, the forest is at the base of Mount Fuji and is famous for being a place that people go to commit suicide.  The details are a bit unclear, but it sounds like Sara’s sister Jess (also played by Natalie Dormer) became a teacher when she got to Japan despite being portrayed as unreliable and struggling with demons of some sort and she got lost on a field trip to Mount Fuji.  The police aren’t gonna do shit to find her because they assume she’s dead already, so Sara finds another white person in Japan named Aiden (Taylor Kinney) who knows someone that patrols the forest looking for people and corpses.  So Sara, Aiden, and the park guide Michi (Yukiyoshi Ozawa) head into the forest to find her and anyone else who hasn’t offed themselves yet.  Now this is where things get a bit confusing because Sara starts seeing visions and ghosts, but as far as I can tell she’s the ONLY person here who’s being affected by these spirits.  It seems like everyone else who comes in here just kills themselves with ghostly intervention, but I guess they were all waiting for the blonde lady to show up.  Will she be able to find her sister despite all the creepy shenanigans happening around her?  Does Aiden have a dark past that could possibly put everyone in danger?  What the fuck was Michi thinking taking these untrained dumb asses into the forest with him!?

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“I appreciate that you actually know what you’re doing and Imma let you finish, but I’m gonna ignore your advice and stay in the forest overnight.”     “Yeah… I think you’re just gonna end up dying.”     “Well what if I stay with her?”     “Oh great!  Stay in the middle of a dense forest overnight with a stranger.  That couldn’t POSSIBLY end badly.”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Episode 8 (The Girl Genius Is a Monster: The Brainwashing Cram School of Horror)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Sailor Moon and all the images you see in this recap are owned by Toei Animation and licensed by Viz Media

Episode directed by Junichi Satou

We’re back with another episode of Sailor Moon: The Full Screen Years!  Now the last episode was pretty much a disaster in my opinion, but then one before it was one of the better ones in no small part due to the interesting villain.  Things are about to change though as this episode will introduce us to Ami Mizuno, also known as Sailor Mercury.  Will this be a great introduction to the character, and how does it compare to what they did with this story in Sailor Moon Crystal?  Let’s find out!!

The episode begins, in the main office of Hell Corp (also known as Dark Kingdom) where the two senior managers of the organization determine what their strategy for evil will be in the coming work week.  They actually do come up with something quite dastardly (and a little too real) which is to exploit the public school system for profit!  THOSE BASTARDS!!

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“We’ll convince them that college is the most important thing to being a successful person, and then force them to run up incalculable amounts of debt at such a young age!!  MWA HA HA HA HA!!!”

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