Cinema Dispatch: Weapons

Weapons and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures

Directed by Zach Cregger

I went ahead and checked my backlog of reviews, and it turns out that I didn’t actually post a review of Barbarian when it came out. It’s strange because I remember seeing it in the theaters, and I’m pretty sure I started writing something, but clearly it fell through the cracks and I just never got around to it; a fate that will probably be shared by both Companion and Novocain this year. Sorry, Jack Quaid. In any case, I thought the movie was a very solid first outing for a budding horror filmmaker. Cregger was certainly no Jordan Peele when it comes to sketch comedians making scary movies, but there was plenty to like in that movie and, I was interested to see where he would go from there. His latest movie is generating the kind of buzz that you would expect from a Jordan Peele level filmmaker, which certainly has me excited to see what the former Whitest Kids You Know member has up his sleeve this time. Are we witnessing the evolution of another horror icon, or will Cregger’s latest outing be an also-ran in a genre that has an overabundance of talented filmmakers already? Let’s find out!!

In the small town of Maybrook, not unlike your own hometown, a mysterious thing happened one night. At 2:17am, seventeen kids mysteriously got out of their beds and did the Naruto run into the darkness of the night. What’s more peculiar is that they all came from a single classroom at the local elementary school, leaving just one kid who didn’t run away named Alex (Cary Christopher), and the teacher Justine (Julia Garner). With such a bizarre thing to happen and with no explanation to be found, the town became very suspicious of Justine even after the police and FBI cleared her of all wrongdoing. Leading the charge is Archer (Josh Brolin), the father of one of the lost kids, but he’s only the tip of the iceberg as Justine is scrutinized at every turn and even gets put on administrative leave from the school as the principal (Benedict Wong) feels her presence would just escalate tensions further, but nothing is going to keep her or this community safe until someone figures out what’s going on. Where did these kids go, and what drove them there in the first place? Will Justine find the answers before she becomes a victim of the town’s grief and growing madness? You know, teachers are already under constant scrutiny as it is, and they certainly don’t need something like this on their shoulders!

“All I wanted was to teach the kids to finger paint, but no! I had to teach the GHOST CLASS!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Superman

Superman and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by James Gunn

James Gunn may be a fantastic filmmaker, but no one has managed to recapture the magic of the Richard Donner films; not even Christopher Reeve who tried to make the fourth film into a passionate a poignant message for the world, though I’d still take Superman IV over Man of Steel any day. Sure, the franchise has been reliably bankable which is why Warner Bros isn’t about to give up on it yet, but for Gunn to go after this white whale is a show of supreme confidence, and possibly the kind of show-off move you’d want to make if you were also entrusted to shepherd an entire movie studio towards relevance again. I trust James Gunn to pull it off, but I’m still crossing my fingers all the same. Can James Gunn make us believe that a man can fly while also putting him in a good movie? Let’s find out!!

Whether you know him as Superman, Clark Kent, or Kal-El (Davud Cirebswet), the Big Blue Boy Scout is three years into his career and is doing what he can to make the world a better place. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people invested in the world not being better, so he’s come under fire for stopping a war between the US ally of Boravia and the neighboring country of Jarhanpur. Until now, he was the golden boy who could do no wrong and looked good in Tik-Tok videos captured by the citizens of Metropolis, but with this foray into a politically charged conflict, he’s drawn a few side eyes from ostensible allies such as the Justice Gang composed of Green Lantern Guy Gardner (Nathan Fillion), Hawkgirl (Isabela Merced), and Mr. Terrific (Edi Gathegi) and, most distressing of all, his own girlfriend Lois Lane (Rachel Brosnahan) whose worried he hasn’t thought through the implications of such action and how it could come back to haunt him. She’s not wrong either as Lex Luthor (Nicholas Hoult) has been gunning for him for years now and sees an opportunity to turn the public to his side, so with the help of his corporate drones and a few powered-up henchmen, he starts a smear campaign against Superman and even infiltrates his Fortress of Solitude to uncover more secrets. Are there problematic and terrifying skeletons in Kal-El’s closet that could keep him from being the hero he wants to be? What else does Lex Luthor have up his sleeve beyond the mud raking, and will it bring further chaos to international conflict that Superman tried to stop? Most importantly, who’s gonna feed Krypto if something happens to him!?

“My flesh is impervious to heat, so you’re gonna have to eat me raw. Is that gonna be a problem for you?”     “WOOF!”
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Cinema Dispatch: F1: The Movie

F1 the Movie and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Joseph Kosinski

Naming the movie after the sport it’s about is either a supreme show of confidence or a massive oversight, which, given how many moving parts there are to this thing, is not outside the realm of possibility. Maybe they only got nine out of ten teams to Race Buds, and so they had to go with the default title. Needless to say that money surrounding this movie is off the charts and with it comes a certain amount of pomp and circumstance that it hopes to draw audiences in with. Does the spectacle and grandeur of Formula One on full display create a cinematic experience unlike any other, or is it a lot of hot air for an otherwise pedestrian blockbuster? Let’s find out!!

Sonny Hayes (Brad Pitt) is the kind of guy who wears clichés on his sleeve, at least when it’s not covered in sponsors. He’s a burnout racer who could have been the best but found a way to screw it all up before dedicating his life to easy pay days and lowered expectations.  It’s not until his old friend Ruben (Javier Bardem) throws him a bone and offers him a spot on his fledgling Formula One team to try and keep them out of the red and maybe get Sonny some redemption in the process.  Of course, you can’t be a veteran returning to your roots without a cocky young prodigy to take under your wing which is a role Joshua Pearce (Damson Idris) fits to a tee; at least when he’s not calling Sonny old and posing for magazine ads.  The two racers manage to find some success feeding off of their mutual disdain for the other’s racing style, but it’s a tall order to make it to the number one spot within the small number of races left in the season, and Sonny may not be as up to the task as he had once thought.  Will Sonny find a way to get past his demons and save his friend’s team in the process?  What can Joshua learn from the old-timer he’s stuck on a team with, and can Sonny be trusted to work in their mutual best interest when there’s gold on the line? Most importantly, will anyone in the theater care about any of this when the cars start going really fast!?

“SHAKE AND BAKE, BABY!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Sinners

Sinners and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros. Pictures

Directed by Ryan Coogler

I may be coming to this one late, but it’s not like it’s gotten any less relevant since I saw it on opening weekend! The biggest news story in Hollywood, aside from all the depressing news about tariffs, has been the runaway success of Ryan Coogler’s action-horror period piece. It’s managed to keep audiences’ coming back for more week after week even in the face of the Marvel Movie Machine which admittedly snatch the first place spot from this, but staying at number two with strong weekly returns is an impressive feat in its own right. Still, a successful movie is not always the same thing as a good movie, and while Coogler’s record has been strong, he’s stretching a bit outside his comfort zone with a big budgeted movie outside of a recognizable franchise. Did this movie earn its impressive box office on its merits and through strong word of mouth, or did the hype surrounding this swiftly outpace the quality of the film itself? Let’s find out!!

Set in the small town of Clarksdale way back in 1932, we arrive on the scene just as two prodigal sons return; Elijah and Elias (Michael B Jordan) known by their nicknames “Smoke” and “Stack”.  They bring with them tales of the War and the bustling city of Chicago where they may or may not have done some questionable things that brought lots of beer and stacks of cash to the small town where they plan to open a juke joint for their community.  Caught up in their machinations are their cousin and the preacher’s son Sammie (Miles Caton) who, despite the protestations of his father (Saul Williams), is more than happy to play the blues for them on opening night where all their friends, as well as a few troublemakers, will be doing as the title of the movie suggests.  The raucous party is so good, in fact, that it catches the attention of a nearby vampire who sees plenty of fresh meat to sink his teeth into if he can just find a way inside.  Will this creature of the night find a way into the hearts and minds of those who have been marginalized and may be enticed by the powers that await them?  What brought the “Smoke Stack” brothers back to their home town, and are there things in this world that terrify them more than a literal vampire at their doorstep?  Whatever they did, I’m guessing it was worth it given the quality of those suits!

“Best part is, they’re both in my size!”     “Mine too!  What a coincidence!”
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Cinema Dispatch: A Minecraft Movie

A Minecraft Movie and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Jared Hess

I’m getting too old for this. I’m sure I’ve said that before, but it’s only getting truer with time as the generation after me starts to come into its own. I suppose Minecraft was something of my own generation, but it had never clicked with me back when it was new, and I’m certainly not about to dive back into it now; even if it would bring a bit more insight into what the heck is going on in this movie. Besides, I brought my seventeen-year-old cousin to the theater with me, so he was able to explain quite a few of the references. Now Millennials are no strangers to irreverence and inanity as we grew up with Internet 1.0 and Newgrounds, but rarely has that aspect of our pop culture been put on the big screen; especially with such an exorbitant budget and big name stars. Is there enough juice to squeeze out of this franchise to make an entertaining movie for all ages, or will I finally understand what my grandma went through when I dragged her to see The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie all those years ago? Let’s find out!!

Stuck in a rut and yearning for more in life, a Man called Steve (Jack Black) ventures into the mines to dig out his destiny, and wouldn’t you know it! He finds a cube that takes him to a land of square shaped geometry and similarly boxy creatures! Some of them are friendly like the villagers and his pet wolf (), but others have bad attitudes such as the pigs from the Netherworld who wish to take over the Overworld where Steve now resides. Seeking to protect his new home, he sends the magic cube to his world so it will stay out of rich of the pigs, and it winds up in the possession of Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison (Jason Momoa) whose entire personality revolves around a video game tournament he won in the eighties. With the help of the new kid in town Henry (Sebastian Hansen), he haplessly uses the power of the cube to go to the Overworld along with Henry’s sister Natalie (Emma Myers) and the local real estate agent Dawn (Danielle Brooks). Now that the cube is back within the reach of the pigs and their leader Malgosha (Rachel House), these four must unite with Steven and find a way back home to keep the Overworld safe once and for all! Will this call to action turn these misfits into heroes, or will this journey simply reveal how much growing up they still have to do? What wonders does this world contain, and are there enough of them to fill a ninety-minute movie? Wouldn’t the audience for a Minecraft movie much rather see the movie recreated in Minecraft?

“You’ve got to think three steps ahead. We’ll recreate the movie in Minecraft, ONLY using sheep! THIS is how we reach the Gen Alphas!!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Mickey 17

Mickey 17 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Bong Joon-Ho

This has been a tough year for a lot of people, least of all me, as I’ve been severely unmotivated to keep things going around here. This ennui is not helped by the less than stellar slate of movies we’ve gotten so far, some of which I’m gonna try and knock out a few reviews for when I’m feeling up to it, but even amidst the fog of banality, there was a ray of sunshine on the horizon with this latest feature by Bong Joon-Ho starring one of my favorite actors today. With so much going wrong in the world, can this prove to be a bright spot to make things feel a little bit better? Let’s find out!!

Mickey Barnes (Robert Pattinson) is not living his best life on Earth, and like many of us, decides to travel to try and find himself. Well, that and escape debt collectors with chainsaws, but in any case, he and his buddy Timo (Steven Yeun) queue up to get onboard the Nifilheim which is a ship intended to colonize a distant ice planet run by the overtly sinister Mr. and Mrs. Marshall (Mark Ruffalo and Toni Collette) who seem to have given up on making Earth Great Again, and are looking for a do-over in their own little fiefdom in space. Timo gets a spot for being a decent pilot, but since Mickey’s only skill is his desperation to escape, he signs up to be an Expendable; basically a worker bee whose DNA is kept on file and gets printed out whenever the current version of him dies. I suppose dying of solar radiation and maintenance blunders is better than getting a chainsaw to the face, but after four years and sixteen dead copies behind him, he’s found himself in a bit of a rut; especially when the planet turns out to have a bunch of creatures on it that is hindering their colonization efforts.  Still, at least between his immortality and his new girlfriend Nasha (Naomi Ackie), he’s managed to find some stability in his life. That is until he comes back from a particularly nasty day out in the snow and realizes that the crew already declared him dead and printed out the eighteenth Mickey. Not only is this new Mickey kind of a jerk, it’s also against protocol for more than one Expendable to exist at the same time, which could mean his Get Out of Death Free card will be revoked; probably via a bullet to the head or a tumble into the engine’s exhaust pipe. Can Mickey and Mickey work together to keep each other alive and out of sight from the ship’s wrathful captain? What is the Niflheim’s ultimate plan for this new world, and what would it mean for the native species whose home they are invading? I suppose this is the best Mickey could hope for, given who’s in charge. After all, who needs health insurance when you’ve got the ultimate 3D printer?

“The best is that we’ve already killed you so now OSHA standards don’t apply! It’s called Double Jeopardy!”     “Oh yeah, I like that movie. Hey, are my eyeballs supposed to be burning?”
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Cinema Dispatch: War of the Rohirrim & Conclave

The Holiday season is usually a busy time for me, but this year was a little more difficult than most to keep up with everything that was coming out. Thankfully, I got a chance to see two of the more interesting movies that made it to theaters, so we’ll take a look at those now before we inevitably get to Nosferatu and Sonic 3 to close the year out. Are these December releases worth taking time out of your busy holiday schedule to take a break and enjoy? Let’s find out!!

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The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim

The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim is owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Kenji Kamiyama

Long before Bilbo Baggins had his fateful run-in with the Ring of Power, the world of Middle Earth was rife with conflict among its nobility. King Hammerhand of Rohan (Brian Cox) may be a strong leader, but his temper gets the best of him and he makes a powerful enemy of one of his lords; the young Wulf (Luke Pasqualino) whose father was struck down in a fight with the king. With a war seemingly inevitable as Wulf gains the favor of the Wild Men, the children of Hammerhand which includes his sons Hama and Haleth (Yazdan Qafouri and Benjamin Wainwright), as well as his daughter Héra (Gaia Wise), will have to summon their courage, their wits, and their leadership in order to prevent Wulf from taking Rohan for himself. As the army of the Wild Men grows stronger and the Rohan citizens must retreat to a nearby stronghold, is there any hope of victory for Héra and her family?

The Lord of the Rings trilogy was a monumental achievement in filmmaking, and while they may not be my favorite films, I have a deep respect for what Peter Jackson was able to accomplish in bringing these books to the big screen. Since then, however, no one has been able to capture that lightning again; least of all Peter Jackson himself, whose Hobbit movies are pale imitators of his earlier work. Sadly, that trend continues as this movie is an admirable, but ultimately banal effort to bring the world of Middle Earth to life once again. We can go into the dull narrative, the stagnant pacing, and the cast of forgettable characters, but what it truly lacks is an identity of its own; a sense of personality that defines it as a unique adaptation of the source material. Say what you will about the previous animated efforts from Ralph Bakshi and Rankin Bass, they were incredibly distinct and had some impressive highs as well as some genuinely entertaining lows. This never escapes being a middle of the road effort; too stiff and clean to have fun with it or be spontaneously bizarre. As much as we now think of Jackson’s vision of the books as the definitive interpretation of Tolkien’s work, the man brought his own eclectic and grungy style to the movies, and while they may not be as unhinged as Bad Taste or Meet the Feebles, the work he did on those movies were an undeniable influence. Here, I just don’t feel that sense of spirit emanating from the stock characters and trite plot. The story of revenge lacks any teeth given the simplicity of our antagonist and the surprisingly small scale of the action which tries to convince you it’s an all-out war when, at best, it feels like a minor skirmish. I suppose if the action is small scale then the intent was for this to be a more intimate and personal account, but there’s just not enough depth to any of the cast for that to be the case; least of all our protagonist Héra who has little agency of her own. There are no flaws from within for her to overcome, as she simply needs to fulfill a destiny once she’s had enough tragedy thrust upon her. It has its moments to be sure, especially when the action kicks in, and it feels free to let loose, but those are the punctuations to the narrative while the meat of it is far too lifeless to hold up its somber tone. With so much of it polished to a mirror shine, it never sinks so low as to be obnoxious or off-putting, and definitely makes for a better time than Jackson’s Hobbit movies. I appreciate the immense amount of effort that went into this, and I’m impressed that there was enough faith behind it to put it in theaters, as the big screen is where animation will shine brightest. Even so, I can only recommend it to the most dedicated of Tolkien fans who don’t mind a tedious story if it means spending a little more time in this world. For me, I’ll stick to watching the Leonard Nimoy sing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins over and over again.

2.5 out of 5
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Cinema Dispatch: Joker: Folie à Deux & Terrifier 3

It’s a battle of the clowns here today as we take a look at two recent in the surprisingly relevant genre of murderous clowns. Whatever you can say about their relative qualities, both the Joker and Terrifier series are there to throw a wrench into the conventional wisdom about what makes a blockbuster franchise, and both have found much more success than anyone was expecting. Still, following up a big hit is no easy task, especially for the one that somehow made a billion dollars, so do these two sequels manage to outdo the originals, and which one does the most with its killer clown setup? Let’s find out!!

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Joker: Folie à Deux

Joker: Folie à deux is owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Todd Phillips

Hapless serial killer Arthur Fleck (Joaquin Phoenix) is not the man he used to be.  His time in prison has sapped all the maniacal energy that he brought to his one and only TV appearance, and is simply waiting for his trial to be done with so he can sit in a corner until his execution.  That is until he happens to pass by another inmate named Harley (Lady Gaga) who awakens the clown within and the two start planning for one heck of a legal defense.  Will this be the grand finale to the revolution that he kicked off, or is there more going on in Arthur’s mind than what he paints on his face?

Like a lot of critics, I was no fan of the first film, which was a tedious slog through half-baked social commentary. I’m glad to report that the sequel is an improvement, by being a tedious slog through half-baked social commentary with a few song and dance numbers. Well, that’s a bit unfair, I suppose. The movie improves upon the original in several ways that don’t just include the singing and dancing, and it all has to do with the film’s tighter focus. Arthur Fleck in the first movie was a mere cipher as the film was more interested in trying to make a point, whatever that point ultimately was, rather than making it about Arthur himself. Gotham City wound up taking far too much space in the last one, and thankfully things have been stripped down significantly, as everything outside of Arthur’s immediate circumstances barely has a presence here; one that we can only glimpse through the bars of his cell or the gallery of the courtroom. I’d go so far as to say there’s barely more than three sets in the entire film, and while I can’t imagine how they spent two hundred million on this, I applaud them for making the sequel smaller instead of succumbing to Big Sequel Syndrome. This is all a great start and put me in a better mood than I was in the last film, but that goodwill started to fade away as the plot kicked in, and it’s just as boring and meandering this time around. It certainly tries to liven things up with the toxic relationship between Arthur and Harley as well as the more frequent flights into fantasy, and is almost enough to carry the movie; even outside the context of this being tangentially related to the DC Universe. For the most part I’m not bothered by how little this cares to be anything like the Batman characters, but I will say that it’s a little bit uncomfortable for this to essentially turn Harley, who is a victim of Joker’s abuse in all other forms of media, into the manipulative one. The last one had its issues with women and those aren’t improved here, which is a shame because Gaga remains a compelling actor even in material that isn’t up to her level, and I feel that her character is far too underwritten to have the impact that the film clearly expects it to have. The same is true about the musical numbers, which aren’t a detriment to the movie, but they add almost nothing to the movie. I think it was a good idea for the two of them to connect through music, but the numbers themselves are not interesting enough to justify stopping the plot in its tracks, and it’s just another thing that makes this feel way too drawn out. I don’t want to write off Todd Phillips as a boring filmmaker, but twice now he’s managed to fail to find the interesting story to tell about a killer clown. The big ideas and breathless monologues are for naught if you can barely keep your eyes open when you aren’t rolling them.

2 out of 5
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Cinema Dispatch: Trap

Trap and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by M Night Shyamalan

We all know Shyamalan’s decidedly mixed filmography, but as bad as his movies were in the late 2000s and early 2010s, he’s been on a sensational upswing since The Visit and Split. Sure, not everyone like Old and Glass, but there’s no denying that his post-After Earth career has been far more interesting than most of what came before. Does his upward momentum continue with this simple bottle film set at a concert? Let’s find out!!

Cooper (Josh Hartnett) is such a great dad that you believe his World’s Greatest Dad mug is telling the truth, and what better way to prove your dad-bonafides than by taking your daughter (Ariel Donoghue) to a concert for her favorite pop star (Saleka Night Shyamalan)? Sadly, this turns out to be a very bad decision, and not just because of all the screaming tweens, but because this concert is one big trap to catch a serial killer whose been prowling the streets of Philadelphia for years and also happens to be our number one dad. It doesn’t take long for Cooper to put the pieces together, and he starts looking at every corner of the building to see if there’s a way to escape their clutches while also keeping his daughter from learning his dark secret; at least not until the encore and a visit to the merch stand. Will Cooper find a way to keep himself out of jail and his family whole despite the dragnet slowly closing in around him? How does someone like this keep such a terrible secret from everyone he loves, and what will he do when his dark half and his family life start intertwining? Do you think he ever gets the two of them confused?

“And when his arms came off, there was just blood shooting everywhere! Uh… in Minecraft, of course.”     “Cool story, dad. Can we just go to our seats?”
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Cinema Dispatch: Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by George Miller

Mad Max: Fury Road was an important film for a lot of people, but for me, it was my first attempt at reviewing a contemporary movie I saw in the theaters. Sure, I had been reviewing movies on streaming services for a while before then, but there was something about the movie that made me feel I could say something interesting about it. It’s been nine years since then and George Miller has finally made the Furiosa movie he’s been dreaming of, and I’ve written an absurd amount of movie reviews since then, so it’ll be good to reconnect after all this time! Is this a proper follow up to one of the most intense and brilliantly crafted action films of the last decade, or is a Mad Max movie without Mad Max just another post-apocalyptic slog? Let’s find out!!

The post-apocalypse isn’t fun for anyone, but a small group of people have at least managed to pull together a modest and healthy living in an area known as The Green Place of Many Mothers. One of its residents is the young Furiosa (Alyla Browne and Anya Taylor-Joy) who gets kidnapped by minions of the dreaded Lord Dementus (Chris Hemsworth) who may not be able to extract the Green Place’s location from her, but definitely sees something special in the young girl. Through political wheeling and dealing that keeps a modest peace between Dementus and the terrifying Immortan Joe (Lachy Hulme), Furiosa ends up in Joe’s kingdom and manages to maneuver herself into a mechanic role building War Rigs to transport supplies between the major outposts in the wasteland. Still, Furiosa has not forgotten everything that Dementus took away from her and the horrors she narrowly avoided while under Joe’s thumb, and with the help of a driver (Tom Burke) she just might have a way to return to her old life and leave nothing but a scorched wasteland in her wake. Well… at least a slightly more scorched wasteland. What trials and tribulations will Furiosa face that led her to the events of Fury Road? Does she have any hope of getting revenge against Lord Dementus without losing everything that matters to her in the process? Things like, oh I don’t know… say your left arm?

“You’re lucky I’m a righty, or else I’d be REALLY pissed!”
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