The SpongeBob Movie: Search for SquarePants and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Derek Drymon
When the first SpongeBob movie came out, my grandma had to take me to see it because I was way too young to drive myself. That is how old this franchise is, which is an impressive feat in its own right, but with a quarter-century of episodes, spin-offs, streaming originals, and now four movies under its belt, well, let’s just say that it could easily start to resemble another series with yellow characters that hit its peak some time ago. Will this latest SpongeBob adventure be a delight for fans both old and new, or are we just running out the clock until Tom Kenny gets tired of doing that iconic laugh? Let’s find out!!
SpongeBob SquarePants (Tom Kenny), Bikini Bottom’s premiere fry cook and most eligible bachelor, is ready to become a proper Sponge-Man instead of a mere SpongeBob, but after hearing tall tales from his idol and boss Mr. Krabs (Clancy Brown), he doesn’t feel confident that he has what it takes. Fortunately for him, The Flying Dutchman (Mark Hamill) hears his laments and offers him the opportunity of a lifetime! Sail with him to the mysterious Underworld and face the challenges that await, with the promise of a Swashbuckler certificate at the end if he can prove himself. With his best buddy Patrick (Bill Fagerbakke) at his side, he boards the ship, and they head to the mysterious lands below the deepest depths of the sea, but Mr. Krabs knows the Dutchman’s tricks and chases after him with Squidward (Rodger Bumpass) and Gary in tow. What truly waits for SpongeBob at the end of this adventure with The Flying Dutchman, and are the consequences as dire as Mr. Krabs fears? Can the friendship between SpongeBob and Patrick be enough to withstand whatever challenges they will face, or will the road to manhood finally be what tears these two apart? Seriously, are we just never gonna get a Squidward movie? Sandy got a movie, but not Squidward!?
We’re barreling towards the end of the year, and it seems to have come particularly quick this time around, so I’ll be trying to knock out a bunch of reviews before the end of year roundups, which means some odd pairings in my double-features as you can obviously tell from this one. Then again, both of them are based on books, so I guess we can go with that as a connecting theme? Yeah, that works. So then! Looking at recent blockbusters from critically acclaimed directors that couldn’t be further apart from one another, do they show the best of their respective talents, or are they phoning it in for easy paychecks? Let’s find out!!
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The Running Man
The Running Man is owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Edgar Wright
In a dystopian future where politics is entertainment and entertainment is the only game in town, Ben Richards (Glen Powell) is desperate to get his family out of the poorest area in the country and will go to any lengths to do so; including a reality TV show where every day citizens are obliged to kill the titular Running Man within thirty days as the doomed sad-sack slowly accrues money for how long he can go without getting popped in the head. With an angry populace looking to take their frustrations out on whomever the TV says to, can Ben hope to survive long enough to save his family from the such a cruel world, or has the system ensured that he never had a chance to begin with?
The Running Man is one of those movies I can say with the utmost of confidence that I have seen before. Anything beyond that, well, I know Schwarzenegger is in it, but anytime I try to think of a scene from the movie, I realize I’m just remembering Total Recall, so no luck there. Still, I guess that makes it better fodder than most for a modern remake as I doubt any diehard fans of the original will be rending their garments in futile rage over every single change to the original, and the premise is definitely one that can be updated and adapted for any era; especially since it was already a modern take on The Most Dangerous Game. Now I don’t know if Edgar Wright had a burning desire to throw his name behind yet another of the hundred-billion remakes of eighties’ movies that are out there, but it’s clear he was given quite a bit of latitude to tell the story his way, and it was ultimately for the better even if audiences, once again, didn’t show up to one of his films. It’s certainly not as good as his original works, or even his adaptation of Scott Pilgrim, but a lesser filmmaker would have simply pumped up the action, dulled the social commentary, or both. In the hands of a skilled director, albeit one who really seems to be doing this for the paycheck, it manages to have a genuine spark of creativity with its well-executed premise and another killer performances from Glenn Powell. Making this movie a travelogue instead of a battleground was a masterstroke, and the sheer scope of the movie is darn near breathtaking; not because it has CGI vistas and otherworldly set pieces, but because it feels like it takes place in a big world that still has a connection with what we see in our own lives. It’s what the best sci-fi does; fits a speculative premise into something recognizably real and seeing how the premise twists our understanding of everything. When the action does kick in, it’s put together with interesting ideas rather than overblown execution, and while the budget feels a little high for what we get on screen, it ends up feeling as big as it needs to which allows the moments of explosive violence to actually have meaning and not just bleed into each other until it’s all just unengaging white noise. Where the film falters is in its tone, as it never quite finds the balance between its goofy social commentary and the more serious character moments. Some scenes are undercut by the comedy while other scenes are hard to take as seriously as they want us to, and this isn’t helped by some clunky character writing that leaves the supporting cast feeling rather flat. Thankfully, Glenn Powell picks up the slack with a great performance. He understands the fine line the movie is trying to balance on better than anyone else in front of, or even behind the camera, and it’s clear that this guy has a sharp eye for good material; even in otherwise conventional Hollywood Pablum. I suppose the best endorsement this movie could hope for is that it exceeded whatever expectations there were for a Running Man remake, which is, simultaneously, the least we should expect from an Edgar Wright movie.
The Naked Gun and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Akiva Schaffer
What, another reboot of a classic comedy from the eighties? I don’t know about you, but the Gen-X nostalgia for Ghostbusters alone has me wary of any revivals from the Reagan years, but people were surprisingly optimistic about this one, and the trailers at least put a solid case for itself to be taken seriously as a genuine successor to the original. It would certainly have to find a new angle given how different cops in both media and real life fit into popular culture, but it has some interesting talent behind it, and Neeson certainly seems game to fill Nielsen’s iconic shoes. Could this be the rare reboot that finds a way to be both faithful to what came before while also forging an identity of its own? Let’s find out!!
Detective Frank Drebin Jr (Liam Neeson) is a hard-nosed and sharp witted cop; right on the edge and peering over the side into the darkness below. This intuitive insight into the depths of man’s inhumanity to itself, along with the pleas of Beth (Pamela Anderson), the grieving sister of a man who died under suspicious circumstances, puts our intrepid hero from the venerable Police Squad on the trail of billionaire tech genius Richard Cane (Danny Huston) who’s all smiles and charm in front of the camera but is hiding something sinister behind closed doors. What is this fiendish villain planning, and does Frank Jr have the wherewithal to overcome whatever silly challenges get in the way of cracking this case? Where does Beth fit into all of this, and will she prove to be a strong ally to Frank or the sexy cause of his sexy downfall? With a man like this leading the charge, what could possibly go wrong?
“Fitting an entire hot dog in your mouth is not merely a challenge; it’s a show of domination to the rest of the food. They will KNOW who’s at the top of the chain!”Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: The Naked Gun”→
Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Jeff Fowler
The Sonic movies have been only slightly better than mediocre, but I’ve given them praise where it’s been deserved, and audiences have been more than kind as the films have racked up impressive box office numbers. Certainly small potatoes compared to The Super Mario Bros Movie’s billion dollar haul, but Sonic has been jogging behind my main man Mario for over three decades now and is just happy to be in the conversation. With this third movie, however, it’s time for SEGA and Paramount to find out if the audience that turned out for classic Sonic will stick around for the more modern iteration and all the baggage that comes with it. Will this be another hit for our favorite blue hedgehog, or are parents gonna dip out before they have to explain who Rouge the Bat is to their seven-year-olds? Let’s find out!!
Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles (Ben Schwartz, Colleen O’Shaughnessey, and Idris Elba) are enjoying their life of carefree picnics with their adopted human parents Tom and Maddie (James Marsden and Tika Sumpter), but this idyllic situation comes with a price as GUN will occasionally call these three in to deal with whatever strange mess they’ve gotten into now. The latest disaster that our team is airdropped into is a renegade alien that had been in GUN captivity for the last fifty years but has finally escaped and is ready to exact his vengeance on the world. Said renegade, who seems quite ambivalent to good and evil, is Shadow the Hedgehog (Keanu Reeves) who can teleport, has rocket boots, and can glower with the intensity of a thousand suns. He proves to be far stronger than Sonic Team can handle on their own, so they are forced to recruit Ivo Robotnik and his assistant Stone (Jim Carrey and Lee Majdoub) in order to take down the rebellious hedgehog. What secrets are lurking in Shadow’s tragic backstory that has led him to be such a jerk, and is he right to resent GUN as much as he does? Can Robotnik be trusted to stay on the side of good, especially when his and Shadow’s past are far more intertwined than anyone could have realized? Is there any chance we can just root for the bad guys, because they seem like they’re having a lot of fun in this.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Jeff Rowe
To be frank, I just never got the whole Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles thing. I like the original live-action movie well enough, but it’s not a franchise that I ever got invested in as it just felt like one of those Gen-X holdovers that overstayed its welcome. Well, now the joke’s on me as my childhood is now getting eye rolls from the Zoomers who also can’t escape the prevalence of their previous generation’s obsessions. It’s the circle of life I suppose, and TMNT is taking yet another stab at staying relevant to the youngsters. Will this be another hit for the franchise to go alongside Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or will we be begging for the Bay-Turtles to come back by the time this is over? Let’s find out!!
In the beginning, there was ooze; and said ooze landed on a quartet of cute turtles as well as a very paternal rat. The ooze mutated them to be humanoid, but their ninja skills came from their adoptive rat-dad Splinter (Jackie Chan) looking for a way to protect his kids from the outside world. The turtles are now teenagers named Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello (Nicolas Cantu, Shamon Brown Jr, Brady Noon, and Micah Abbey) and while they can kick all sorts of butt with their ninja skills, they’re mostly used to get groceries and hide in the shadows; away from the scary humans who would surely reject them if they were to come out of the sewers. Sounds rather bleak if you ask me, but fortunately, they run into a high school reporter named April O’Neil (Ayo Edebiri) and she doesn’t immediately turn them in to the authorities to be dissected but instead comes up with a plan to make them heroes so that they can be accepted and go to high school, and she can get the scoop of a lifetime! Their mission is to take down the mysterious Super Fly (Ice Cube) whose been wreaking havoc all over the city with daring heists of top secret scientific hardware, and while the Turtles want nothing more than to live normal lives, getting closer to Super Fly also gets them closer to some very uncomfortable truths about themselves. What is this Super Fly after, and are his goals as evil as his means of achieving them? Is this a win-win scenario for all involved, or will the world never accept them even if they do save the day? Would we honestly be that shocked to learn of sentient turtles in the sewers who fight crime and eat pizza? I mean Congress had a hearing on UFOs and that barely lasted a day in the news cycle!
“I’m just saying, everyone thinking we’re from Krypton is gonna help us with our PR problem, and it’s not like they can prove otherwise! Heck, we don’t know where that Ooze came from! Maybe it’s from space!” “I think you’re stretching there, Mikey.”Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem”→
Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Jonathan Goldstein & John Francis Daley
Tabletop RPGs and I; we just don’t get along. I guess I just grew up with video games that integrated the mechanics of RPGs in a way that didn’t require math or looking up obscure text in a dictionary-sized player’s manual, and the few experiences I’ve had with them were rocky at best. Still, there’s no denying that Dungeons & Dragons is second only to Tolkien as far as influence in the fantasy genre, and while the last attempt at a film adaptation didn’t fare too well, there are enough unique ideas and creative settings for a truly great movie to base itself around. Does this latest attempt at bringing the tabletop game to life leave us with an exemplar of the genre or was this campaign doomed from the start? Let’s find out!!
Our fantasy hero for this epic tale is the bard Edgin Darvis (Chris Pine) who has been locked up for several years after a regrettable crime and wishes for nothing more than to pay his debt to society and reunite with his daughter (Chloe Coleman)! Well at least that’s the story he wants you to believe when in actuality he’s a thief who got himself and his partner Holga Kilgore (Michelle Rodriguez) locked up after a botched robbery, and instead of paying his debt to society he’s just gonna break himself and Holga out of there to reunite with his daughter who has been under the care of another member of their crew who managed to escape. Said escapee is Forge Fitzwilliam (Hugh Grant) who I’m sure you are shocked to learn maybe had something to do with those two getting caught in the first place, and while he has been taking care of Edgin’s daughter, he’s also been cavorting with a red wizard (Daisy Head) and, worst of all, has gone into politics to become the Lord of Neverwinter! With Forge intent on keeping his power and the red wizard Sofina looking to advance her own agenda, Edgin and Holga are forced to go on the run and find a way to stop them; most likely by pulling off a heist because that’s what they’re good at. To help with this task they recruit another former associate, the young wizard Simon (Justice Smith), as well as a tiefling druid named Doric (Sophia Lillis) who has her own reasons for wanting to bring down the current Neverwinter administration. Along the way, they’ll find themselves in perilous situations, fighting red wizard minions, and facing tough emotional conflicts; quipping their way through it all because this crew is on the chaotic side of the alignment and are at least a little flexible on the good and evil axis. Can a band of such disparate misfits hope to pull off this heist against a stronger and more ambitious foe? What lessons must be learned for them to come together as a team and fight for the greater good? Can they maybe fight for the neutral good or semi-good? I mean being a hero doesn’t pay the bills, right?
Scream VI and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett
The Scream franchise is certainly a unique presence in horror with a few solid entries under its belt and a premise that frankly hasn’t been replicated well by anyone else. The blending of slasher tropes with whodunit elements feels like one of the most obvious premises imaginable, right up there with using Superheroes as the basis of big summer blockbusters, and yet nothing has really tried to put their own spin on it outside of arguably the Saw movies which itself ran out of steam the same way Scream did after the third one. The reboot series of films which started with four has had some interesting takes on the formula and a few good ideas to keep the series relevant, but can they keep that momentum going long enough to round out the trilogy, or will it crash and burn as spectacular as Scream 3 did? Let’s find out!!
After the events of the last movie, the survivors have decided not to stay in Woodsboro and instead move to New York City for a change of scenery. After all, it’s not like slasher villains have a history of making New York City the one other place they go to kill people, right? Sure enough, another Ghostface Killer makes themselves known and it’s up to Sam and Tara (Melissa Barrera and Jenna Ortega) to find out who is donning the outfit this time and to keep their friend group from becoming mincemeat. This includes Mindy and Chad from the last movie (Jasmin Savoy Brown and Mason Gooding) as well as newcomers Quinn, Ethan, and Anika (Liana Liberato, Jack Champion, and Devyn Nekoda) who could all be the new killer because that’s how these things usually work out. Oh, and of course, Gail Weathers shows up again (Courteney Cox) because this is a Scream movie and we can’t have one without at least one of the original survivors. Will Sam and Tara survive yet another serial killer that’s hot on their heels, and in doing so resolve the tension that’s been building between them since the last time this happened? Who could the killer be this time, and what new rules of horror movies need to be explored in order to stay one step ahead of Ghostface? What exciting new ways of murdering are available to Ghostface now that he’s in the big city? Maybe he can stab someone in an overpriced apartment instead of an oversized suburban home!
“Can you even name another horror movie that takes place in a bodega!?” “Uh… Vampire Vs. the Bronx?” “NO! NETFLIX MOVIES DON’T COUNT!” *BANG*Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Scream VI”→
Top Gun: Maverick and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Joseph Kosinski
It’s true that I’m getting to this one pretty late, but it’s also true that the darn thing is still the biggest movie at the moment so I guess I can still call this review somewhat relevant. I guess it’s no surprise that one of the most enduring classics of the eighties finally getting the sequel everyone always wanted would hit like a meteor full of money, but it’s still pretty surprising just how much this has eclipsed everything else around it. Even MCU movies which are supposedly so ubiquitous that we should all be sick of them don’t manage to have the kind of staying power that this movie has! So what is the secret formula that turned this into a license to print money? Is it actually as good as its box office would suggest, or has nostalgia once again suckered us all into giving money to a movie that was better off being remembered than revived? Let’s find out!!
Captain Pete Mitchell, better known as Maverick (Tom Cruise), has been bumming around the Navy since the glory days of Eddie Money and Leisure suits, and it’s landed him a gig as a test pilot for experimental aircraft. Of course, Maverick being Maverick, he manages to screw that up by ticking off Admiral Ed Harris and is only saved from a dishonorable discharge by his old friend Admiral Tom Kazansky who was once known as Iceman (Val Kilmer). Instead, he gets sent to teach the next generation of hot shot pilots which just so happens to include Lt. Bradley Bradshaw (Miles Teller), the son of Goose who died while flying with Maverick back in the first movie. His assignment, should he choose to accept it, is to get these Millennials in tip-top fighting shape for a ridiculously complicated and ludicrously dangerous bombing run to destroy a uranium enrichment facility, and there’s no one better than Maverick for making the impossible merely improbable! Can Maverick finally put his ego in check and be the teacher that these pilots need? What happened between him and Bradley that left him feeling so bitter, and is this Maverick’s last chance to make things right? Was waiting nearly forty years to make a sequel just a flex on Tom Cruise’s part to show how little he’s aged since then?
“Just hang tight and we’ll be done before you know it.” “How long until we’re over Macho Grande?” “Son, I don’t think we’ll ever get over Macho Grande…” “Was than an Airplane 2 reference? Seriously, how old is this guy!?”Continue reading “Cinema Dispatch: Top Gun: Maverick”→
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Jeff Fowler
The first Sonic movie didn’t really do it for me, but I could at least appreciate the parts of it that were well put together as well as the few flashes of fun Sonic nonsense peppered throughout; especially the song from the credits! I still listen to that pretty regularly and frankly it was all I really needed from Sonic on the big screen. I’ll just keep reading the comics and playing the games over her while Paramount and SEGA keep the brand relevant with run-of-the-mill family movies. Then they started showing trailers for this one that had Knuckles in it and a more game-accurate Eggman, so perhaps they plan to lean harder and harder into the fan service with each subsequent film. It seems to be working since this has already made more money than the original film, but does the deluge of recognizable characters and iconography lead to a better movie, or is this just a cynical attempt to fleece the fans on promises they can’t deliver? Let’s find out!!
Following the events of the first movie, Sonic (Ben Schwartz) is living with Tom and Maddie (James Marsden and Tika Sumpter) and everyone just seems to be cool with the space hedgehog doing his thing throughout the state of Washington. Sure, maybe he’s a little overzealous with his Blue Batman shtick, but who can blame him now that he has full(ish) control of his speed powers? Well, he may just get a bit more than he wished for when Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey) manages to escape the mushroom planet with the help of a red Echidna named Knuckles (Idris Elba) and they have a few words for the quip spouting rodent. Fortunately, he’s rescued by another mysterious creature, Tails the fox (Colleen O’Shaughnessey) who fills him in on what’s going on and why Knuckles is after him. Something from Sonic’s past leads directly to an ultimate power known as the Master Emerald and Knuckles is heck bent on finding it while Robotnik is just kind of along for the ride and will probably do something nefarious to everyone by the end of this. With such an unstoppable power at stake, Sonic and Tails must sift through his past to find the pieces necessary for finding the Master Emerald and protecting the world as we know it. Oh, and Tom and Maddie are at a wedding or something; probably not important. Can Sonic and Tails find the Master Emerald before Knuckles and Robotnik release its power upon the world? Why is Knuckles so intent on finding this thing, and how does his past tie in with Sonic’s? Seriously, this seems like a pretty big leap from the last movie! Are we sure that Sonic is ready for something that doesn’t involve slo-mo bar fights and fart jokes?
Jackass Forever and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures
Directed by Jeff Tremaine
This was yet another movie pushed WAY back due to the Pandemic, but honestly the kind of thing I want at this point. Even if things are far from over, we’ve been on a hellacious journey the last two years and a nice little nostalgic throwback like this can certainly lift my spirits; assuming of course they manage to pull it off. All the Jackass movies have worked so far, but can the formula work even when the gang is within spitting range of collecting social security checks? Let’s find out!
The dudes who you know and love from the previous film are back once again to do ridiculous stunts and terrifying endurance tests for your amusement. That’s about all there is to it, and that’s about all there’s ever been to this premise. Film a bunch of stuff, put it in a decent order, and save something big for the very end. Despite such a simple formula, is it something that they can pull off for the fourth time? What new wacky ideas did they come up with in the ten years since the last film? Will any of them live through this to see Jackass 5, or is this as far as we should push it?
The Reviewers Unite 