Jumping the Soapbox: Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Michael – Who Has The Best Comics!?

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is owned by New Line Cinema

It’s that time of year again for ghosts and ghouls to roam the streets (which you shouldn’t be doing this year) and for us to get reacquainted with some old friends like Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Michael Myers!  There are no shortage of movies we could be talking about starring these icons of horror, but we’re going to take things in a slightly different direction here and familiarize ourselves with the oft overlooked subgenre of horror comics!  All three of these characters have had their share of funny books based off their exploits, so why not find out which one has the best stories to tell and are the most fun to read?  And no, we won’t be going into the Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash comics as they are their own separate thing from either franchise’s main books.  Next year perhaps!?  Well let’s get through this first before we start planning ahead!

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In Last Place for Bad Taste – Friday The 13th

Starting this list with the most heartbreaking of them all, my beloved Jason Voorhees has had undoubtedly the WORST comics on this list.  Why?  Well with this series you basically get two kinds of stories; blatantly fetishistic gore porn and philosophical musings from pompous edge lords.  It’s a blatantly cynical misunderstanding of the character and the franchise as the stories seem to think that Jason is supposed to be the protagonist.  You may have goes to the movie to SEE Jason Voorhees, but the stars of those movies were Alice Hardy, Tommy Jarvis, Tina Shepard, and so on.  For almost every single one of these books there’s hardly a character worth rooting for or a victim who’s death is anything short of gleefully excessive because the writers want you to side with Jason as some sort of agent of chaos here to destroy THE MAN.  Corrupt cops, evil corporations, and at its absolute most revolting point gay people, are all lined up for Jason to take his brutal bloody revenge out on to the cheers of the audience; either because you WANT those people to die or because your tickled by the rendering of blood and viscera on the page.  The tackiest ones are where they try to justify their wanton bloodlust and by making Jason some sort of avenging spirit of Native American Genocide, like the supped up version of prefacing all MRA bullshit with WHITE women to try and pretend you’re not just an angry at all women, and this is something they try TWICE; once in the 2008 series and again in the Bad Land 2 parter.  Out of all of these books, the only three that stand out as anything other than dreck are Jason Goes to Hell, Jason Vs. Leatherface, and Pamela’s Tale.  Jason Vs. Leatherface is bad for a lot of the same reasons as the other books are BUT it has enough tongue in cheek humor to dull its more obnoxious moments, and the artwork has a grotesque EC Comics by way of Alfred E Newman look that lightens the mood considerably.  Pamela’s Tale, while rather unnecessary as it’s just a prequel that doesn’t do all that much interesting with the characters, at least is driven by something other than gore and titillation as we see how she came to have Jason and how she ended up working at the camp.  It’s far too happy to throw out allusions to future aspects of the franchise when it could have done its own thing, but I found it an entertaining enough read and one that didn’t make me repeatedly wince like so many of the other books.  Jason Goes to Hell is the definite standout as it’s just a retelling of the ninth movie, but that film is pretty underrated as is and I think the more fantastical elements are better suited for a comic book; not to mention that the script for that movie is FAR superior to the original scripts they wrote for the other comic books as it focuses on characters instead of just watching a lumbering monster be directed at whatever gripes the writer has with the world.  Aside from those three there’s not really anything to recommend as even the ones that pull back on the overt gore have garbage themes and characters, so I’d avoid almost every single one of these like the plague.

The Good: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993); Friday the 13th: Pamela’s Tale (2007)

The Meh: Jason Vs. Leatherface (1995)

The Ugly: Friday the 13th: Bloodbath (2005), Friday the 13th Special (2005); Jason X Special (2005); Jason Vs. Jason X (2006); Friday the 13th: Fearbook (2006); Friday the 13th: How I Spent My Summer Vacation (2007); Friday the 13th (2007); Friday the 13th: Bad Land (2008); Friday the 13th: Abuser and the Abused (2008)

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Cinema Dispatch: Sully

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Sully and all the images you see in this review are owned by Miramax and Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Clint Eastwood

It has been a while since I’ve seen a Clint Eastwood movie.  I’m pretty sure the last one I saw was Gran Torino which was pretty excellent and honestly a really good swansong for the ACTOR Clint Eastwood even if he’s continued to direct since then.  Still, I definitely have some catching up to do here, and what better way to do so than with his new movie about his favorite subject?  Heroic men doing awesome things and then people trying to punish them for it!  Turn in your wings Sullenberger!  YOU’RE OFF THE CASE!!  Does this look into one of America’s modern folk heroes turn out to be another winner for the venerable director, or is Clint Eastwood just spinning his wheels at this point?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins a few days after the Miracle on the Hudson, where Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger (Tom Hanks) and his copilot Jeff Sliles (Aaron Eckhart) managed to not only land their plane that had blown BOTH engines into the Hudson River, but managed to do so without losing a single passenger!  All’s good then, right?  Well… there inevitably has to be an investigation to find out what exactly happened and if Sully endangered more people doing what he did rather than trying to head back to a nearby runway.  Fair enough I guess, but compound that with the whole world staring at him while ALSO dealing with the Post Traumatic Stress of the crash itself, then you’ve got a recipe for a man about to snap under the pressure which won’t exactly help his case that he’s a trained and objective professional who’s decision to land in the Hudson was the best one.  Can Sully convince the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board) that he shouldn’t be shit canned for being a hero?  Will he handle this immense pressure with grace and inhuman composure?  Is the insurance company not gonna cover this!?

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“That plane cost sixty million dollars, and SOMEONE has to pay for it.”     “You’re looking at me, and I don’t know why.”     “Well you WERE the one flying it, and our insurance doesn’t cover water damage.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Southside with You

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Southside with You and all the images you see in this review are owned by Miramax and Roadside Attractions

Directed by Richard Tanne

Well I guess if Oliver Stone got to make a George W Bush movie during his last year of office, I guess it’s not THAT outlandish for the same to happen to our first black president, though admittedly I get the feeling this one isn’t going to have as much beef with the sitting president as Oliver Stone did when he made his movie.  Now that I think of it, an Oliver Stone Obama movie would be pretty interesting.  I guess we’ll have to see if he shows up in Snowden.  ANYWAY, does this film about Barrack and Michelle’s first date manage to fill us with warm fuzzies about the soon to be former and definitely future presidents of the Unite States, or is this just a thinly veiled propaganda piece to help preserve the legacy of a President whose career really doesn’t need such blatant evangelism?  Let’s find out!!

The movie isn’t all that complicated as it really is just one day with Barrack (Parker Sawyers) and Michelle (Tika Sumpter) as they go out on the town in 1989 Chicago.  Michelle though doesn’t believe this to be an ACTUAL date, so I guess that will serve as our major conflict as Barrack tries to warm himself up to her, but she does have pretty legitimate reasons to not let this outing go any further than it needs to; particularly the fact that she’s his supervisor at a law firm that she’s worked her ass off to get a modicum of respect at.  Still, there’s no denying that Barrack charm which he puts to full effect as they travel all over scenic Chicago (or at least the good parts of Chicago) while also helping a local community come together to fight for a Community Center to be built in their neighborhood!  Can Barrack manage to win Michelle’s heart before the day draws to a close?  Will Michelle be forced to choose between her career and a guy who seems to be a perfect match for her?  How do they not run out of things to say to each other!?  Their first date is like twelve hours long!!

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“Uh… Have you played Super Mario Bros?”     “Super what now?”

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