Tag: Jared Hess

Cinema Dispatch: A Minecraft Movie

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

A Minecraft Movie and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Jared Hess

I’m getting too old for this. I’m sure I’ve said that before, but it’s only getting truer with time as the generation after me starts to come into its own. I suppose Minecraft was something of my own generation, but it had never clicked with me back when it was new, and I’m certainly not about to dive back into it now; even if it would bring a bit more insight into what the heck is going on in this movie. Besides, I brought my seventeen-year-old cousin to the theater with me, so he was able to explain quite a few of the references. Now Millennials are no strangers to irreverence and inanity as we grew up with Internet 1.0 and Newgrounds, but rarely has that aspect of our pop culture been put on the big screen; especially with such an exorbitant budget and big name stars. Is there enough juice to squeeze out of this franchise to make an entertaining movie for all ages, or will I finally understand what my grandma went through when I dragged her to see The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie all those years ago? Let’s find out!!

Stuck in a rut and yearning for more in life, a Man called Steve (Jack Black) ventures into the mines to dig out his destiny, and wouldn’t you know it! He finds a cube that takes him to a land of square shaped geometry and similarly boxy creatures! Some of them are friendly like the villagers and his pet wolf (), but others have bad attitudes such as the pigs from the Netherworld who wish to take over the Overworld where Steve now resides. Seeking to protect his new home, he sends the magic cube to his world so it will stay out of rich of the pigs, and it winds up in the possession of Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison (Jason Momoa) whose entire personality revolves around a video game tournament he won in the eighties. With the help of the new kid in town Henry (Sebastian Hansen), he haplessly uses the power of the cube to go to the Overworld along with Henry’s sister Natalie (Emma Myers) and the local real estate agent Dawn (Danielle Brooks). Now that the cube is back within the reach of the pigs and their leader Malgosha (Rachel House), these four must unite with Steven and find a way back home to keep the Overworld safe once and for all! Will this call to action turn these misfits into heroes, or will this journey simply reveal how much growing up they still have to do? What wonders does this world contain, and are there enough of them to fill a ninety-minute movie? Wouldn’t the audience for a Minecraft movie much rather see the movie recreated in Minecraft?

“You’ve got to think three steps ahead. We’ll recreate the movie in Minecraft, ONLY using sheep! THIS is how we reach the Gen Alphas!!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Masterminds

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

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Masterminds and all the images you see in this review are owned by Relativity Media

Directed by Jared Hess

Oh hey, I remember this guy!  Didn’t he do Napoleon Dynamite like a hundred years ago?  Okay, maybe it wasn’t THAT long ago, but you can hardly say that he’s had a sterling career since then with Nacho Libre and Gentleman Broncos being poor follow ups to his breakout hit.  Still, this one seems to be outside of his comfort zone, what with how many A-list comedians are on hand and the general tone of the film from the trailers, so maybe stretching himself as an artist will do him some good and he can wow us all once again with his immense talent!  Hey, it’s POSSIBLE… right?  Is this movie one of the standout comedies of the year that will remind us why we liked Jared Hess in the first place, or is this yet more proof that the dude peaked with his first film?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows lovable David Ghantt (Zach Galifianakis) who’s living the pathetic loser life in his shitty little town where no one respects him or even likes him all that much; even his fiancée (Kate McKinnon), but then she’s so cartoonishly off-putting that it’s hard to tell if she’s feeling anything at all.  The dude seems perfectly fine to let things go this way and live out his life as a security guard for Loomis Fargo and have zero impact on the rest of the world.  That is… until SHE came through the door.  Kelly (Kristen Wigg) becomes a coworker of David’s and the two hit it off immediately, by which I mean he develops a massive crush on her and she gets her ass fired before she has a chance to really capitalize on it.  Eventually though, she does come back into his life, only now she has someone with her.  Steven Chambers (Owen Wilson) wants to use David to rob Loomis Fargo and plans on using his clear obsession with Kelly to get him to do it.  Needless to say that David promptly agrees for that exact reason, and surprisingly the heist seems to work at first!  They walk away with SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS, David goes to Mexico while the heat dies down, and everyone else (including Kelly) for some reason stay in their shitty little town and try to lay low there.  As with most crime movies though, things start to unravel, especially when FBI agents (Leslie Jones and Jon Daly) start to investigate those involved and a hit man (Jason Sudeikis) winds up in the mix.  Will David get away with his crime and have all the money he could ever want?  Will Kelly be able to save David from Steven who’s hell bent on keeping him out of their way permanently?  How the hell did this stupid mother fucker get through airport security!?

mastermindscd1
“Is he brown?”     “No, but he’s got lizard eyes and a wig.”     “Hi there!”     “Go on ahead sir.”

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