Cinema Dispatch: Mickey 17

Mickey 17 and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Bong Joon-Ho

This has been a tough year for a lot of people, least of all me, as I’ve been severely unmotivated to keep things going around here. This ennui is not helped by the less than stellar slate of movies we’ve gotten so far, some of which I’m gonna try and knock out a few reviews for when I’m feeling up to it, but even amidst the fog of banality, there was a ray of sunshine on the horizon with this latest feature by Bong Joon-Ho starring one of my favorite actors today. With so much going wrong in the world, can this prove to be a bright spot to make things feel a little bit better? Let’s find out!!

Mickey Barnes (Robert Pattinson) is not living his best life on Earth, and like many of us, decides to travel to try and find himself. Well, that and escape debt collectors with chainsaws, but in any case, he and his buddy Timo (Steven Yeun) queue up to get onboard the Nifilheim which is a ship intended to colonize a distant ice planet run by the overtly sinister Mr. and Mrs. Marshall (Mark Ruffalo and Toni Collette) who seem to have given up on making Earth Great Again, and are looking for a do-over in their own little fiefdom in space. Timo gets a spot for being a decent pilot, but since Mickey’s only skill is his desperation to escape, he signs up to be an Expendable; basically a worker bee whose DNA is kept on file and gets printed out whenever the current version of him dies. I suppose dying of solar radiation and maintenance blunders is better than getting a chainsaw to the face, but after four years and sixteen dead copies behind him, he’s found himself in a bit of a rut; especially when the planet turns out to have a bunch of creatures on it that is hindering their colonization efforts.  Still, at least between his immortality and his new girlfriend Nasha (Naomi Ackie), he’s managed to find some stability in his life. That is until he comes back from a particularly nasty day out in the snow and realizes that the crew already declared him dead and printed out the eighteenth Mickey. Not only is this new Mickey kind of a jerk, it’s also against protocol for more than one Expendable to exist at the same time, which could mean his Get Out of Death Free card will be revoked; probably via a bullet to the head or a tumble into the engine’s exhaust pipe. Can Mickey and Mickey work together to keep each other alive and out of sight from the ship’s wrathful captain? What is the Niflheim’s ultimate plan for this new world, and what would it mean for the native species whose home they are invading? I suppose this is the best Mickey could hope for, given who’s in charge. After all, who needs health insurance when you’ve got the ultimate 3D printer?

“The best is that we’ve already killed you so now OSHA standards don’t apply! It’s called Double Jeopardy!”     “Oh yeah, I like that movie. Hey, are my eyeballs supposed to be burning?”
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Cinema Dispatch: The Kid Who Would Be King

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The Kid Who Would Be King and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Fox

Directed by Joe Cornish

What, a kid’s movie in January?  Man… I don’t want to waste my time watching this, especially after seeing Into the Spider-Verse!  Is any movie gonna be as good as that one?  No? Then why even bother!  Wait a minute… this is directed by Joe Cornish?  As in… THE Joe Cornish?  As in Attack the Block Joe Cornish!?  Well why didn’t you lead with, imaginary person I’m pretending to have a conversation with!  Yes, after a rather long hiatus between Attack the Block and this one where he stepped back to be a writer instead of director, he’s finally back with his second film after such an extraordinary first feature!  Seriously, if you haven’t seen Attack the Block then stop reading this review and go see it now!  Now, I tell you!!  You want to know why John Boyega is in Star Wars!?  GO WATCH THAT MOVIE!!  Anyway, does the triumphant return of Joe Cornish mean we have yet another masterpiece on our hands, or did he stay away from the director’s chair this long for a good reason?  Let’s find out!!

In what I can only assume is a Post-Brexit London, Alexander Elliot (Louis Ashbourne Serkis) is your run of the mill kid who gets bullied mercilessly at school but has a funny best friend named Bedders (Dean Chaumoo) whose got his back when he needs it.  One day he stands up for his buddy when he’s getting taunted by older kids Lance and Kaye (Tom Taylor and Rhianna Doris) who end up chasing him down to a construction site which JUST SO HAPPENS to be empty and there JUST SO HAPPENS to the sword Excalibur sticking out of the ground.  You’d think someone would have excavated it, but instead they cleared all the dirt around the sword and left it sitting there in case someone felt the urge to pull it out.  This is good news for Alex who DOES have such an urge and voila!  He pulls it out and all heck starts to break loose!  Well not at FIRST, but the sword leaving its resting place has awakened the dark sorceress Morgana (Rebecca Ferguson who’s… in the center of the Earth I think, and it calls out to the wizard Merlin (Angus Imrie and Patrick Stewart) who heads back to London post haste to meet the new king!  After some shenanigans and a fight with a giant monster that shows up at his house, Alex learns that he is in fact the next king of… Well I GUESS England (or maybe the whole UK now?) and must gather some knights to finally stab Morgana to death once and for all!  Through even MORE shenanigans, he manages to enlist the help of the bullies to join him as his fellow knights along with Bedders, and so they must now find a pathway to the center of the Earth!  So where do they start?  Um… well, Alex’s father gave him a book on Arthurian lore when he was a kid, so maybe they should visit him on the other side of the country since he seems to have known about Alex’s King-ness well before anyone else!  As good a place to start as any I guess!  Will Alex and his crew find where Morgana is hiding and stop her before she can take over the world?  What challenges will they be forced to face along the way, and is Alex ready for such a huge responsibility at such a young age?  Can we maybe get this movie, but with the cast of Attack the Block instead?  I mean I’m sure John Boyega  costs a lot more now, but it’d at least make a lot more sense to me!

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“Kneel before me for I am your king!”     “Wait, so is that the guy who married Kate Middleton?”

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