Category: Cinema Dispatch

Cinema Dispatch: Pete’s Dragon

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Pete’s Dragon and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios

Directed by David Lowery

Disney is at it again with another fresh milking of the nostalgic cash cow!  I really don’t know anything about the original Pete’s Dragon other than Don Bluth did the animation on it, so they won’t be hooking me in with that alone, but then I never had an affinity for Sleeping Beauty and still though Maleficent was one of the best movies of that year.  Can this new movie manage to capture the charm and spirit of the original film while also roping in new fans, or is this going to be as uninspired as The Jungle Book?  Wait; am I still the only one who didn’t like that?  Anyway, let’s find out!!

The movie begins with little Pete (Oakes Fegley) having to watch his parents die horribly as their car ends up flipping over on the interstate, though you’d think the airbags or seatbelts could have saved one of them considering it wasn’t a head on collision.  Well in any case, little Pete is all alone in the woods (who SHOULD be covered in his parents blood but I guess you can’t go there in a PG movie) and is about to be killed by wolves when something starts to approach from beyond the trees.  It turns out that there be dragons in these hills, and he takes little Pete to raise as one of his own.  Many years later, Pete is now at the ripe old age of ten and gets discovered in the woods by a… Forest Ranger I think called Grace (Bryce Dallas Howard) who takes him in and tries to get him acclimated to the real world before sending him off to the state.  While that’s going on, Gavin (Karl Urban) who works as a lumberjack (he’s either a manager or just an employee that everyone likes) and is certain that he saw something out in those woods and is gonna hunt it because… reasons.  Will Pete be reunited with his best friend?  Can they keep on going with their living arrangement now that Pete has had a taste of the good life as well as peanut butter?  Am I SERIOUSLY going to be the only one who didn’t care for this one, just like with The Jungle Book!?

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Pictured: me writing this review

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Cinema Dispatch: Sausage Party

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

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Sausage Party and all the images you see in this review are owned by Columbia Pictures

Directed by Greg Tiernan and Conrad Vernon

I’m pretty sure I’ve been hearing this movie for at least five years and Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg have been trying to get this made for even longer than that.  I’m not sure how it took so much work to get this movie made as both of them are bankable stars and this movie ended up costing next to nothing (ten million is nothing in terms of Hollywood features), but regardless of whatever strife they had to work through, the day has finally come for us to see a movie about dicks, vaginas, and assholes being played by hotdogs, buns, and bagels.  Does this movie end up being a classy as fuck masterpiece for the ages, or was all that effort for naught and this is just a giant steaming load of lameness?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the misadventures of several food items in this one grocery store known as Shopwell’s, but for the most part our focus is on Frank the Sausage (Seth Rogen).  He’s living the perfect sausage life; namely staying fresh inside his package and praising the Gods every day in the hopes that he will be chosen to leave the store and enter the great beyond!  Well he’s also praying that he can nail that hot little number in the bun package, Brenda Bunson (Kristen Wiig), but he’s got to keep those urges in check.  After all, the Gods only want FRESH food that isn’t tainted with sin!  Now all the food in this store (and presumably all the other stores in the world) seem to all follow this belief system where the humans are Gods taking them to a promised land, but as we all know humans tend to be to total assholes and will end up eating them instead which is SUPER fucked up!  The day finally comes for Frank, his other sausage buddies (Carl and Barry played by Jonah Hill and Michael Cera), and Brenda as one of the Gods chooses them and they’re put in its holy shopping cart.  Of course, things don’t go quite as planned as the shopping cart runs into another one; splattering a lot of the food in a very gruesome manner and knocking both Frank and Brenda (along with a few other items) out of the cart and into the store… OUT OF THEIR PACKAGES!!  Now you may have assumed that the shopping carts collided due to bad luck.  Not quite so, as a jar of Honey Mustard (Danny McBride) had seen some shit and jumped out of the cart after telling the rest of the food how fucked they are, and that was the cause of the crash.  Why is this important?  Well there was one person listening the entire time, and that was Frank!  So on top of getting back inside a sausage package (along with Brenda who needs to find a bun package) Frank is on a journey to find out the truth and if what Honey Mustard was saying had any merit to it!  Can Frank discover the dark secrets that the world outside the grocery store holds?  Will this inevitably create a schism between him and Brenda, the latter of which still has faith in the Gods and their divine plan?  And what about Carl and Barry!?  WHAT THE FUCK IS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM!?

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Oh, you know… probably nothing good.

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Cinema Dispatch: Nine Lives

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

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Nine Lives and all the images you see in this review are owned by EuropaCorp

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld

How does this movie even exist?  I know actors gotta eat, and sure, we ARE getting a Bryan Cranston dad comedy with James Franco soon, but even HE doesn’t have the freaking clout of Kevin Spacey!  If this guy was so desperate for a payday, then why isn’t he in a Marvel movie or a DreamWorks animated feature!?  Why the hell is he in a TALKING CAT movie!?  This is the shit you cast Chris O’Donnell in or snatch up Jason Lee to do!  Not two time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey!  Ugh… whatever.  We gotta deal with the cards we’re dealt.  Does this movie manage to be just as bad as we expect it to be, or is there something there that justifies its reason to exist in 2016?  No.  The answer is no.  Still, we might as well take a look anyway.

Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is your typical movie dad.  Spends a lot of time at work, doesn’t have much time for his family, and is generally considered a jerk by his peers.  He doesn’t care though because he’s building the TALLEST BUILDING ON THE EAST COAST which will be his legacy; much more so than his grown ass son David (Robbie Amell) who works for him in a desperate bid to get his approval, and his daughter Rebecca (Malina Weissman) who still hasn’t figured out that her dad is an asshole.  His wife Lara (Jennifer Garner) informs him that he better come through in spades for his daughter’s birthday and all she wants is a cat.  Bi shocker there.  The guy bites the bullet and goes to buy a furry bastard but somehow (through FATE perhaps!?) ends up in the shop of God (Christopher Walken) who for some reason runs a cat store.  Okay, he’s not ACTUALLY God, but considering how magical this guy is, there’s not that many other alternatives, though it would have been AWESOME if he turned out to be Satan.  Anyway, Tom buys a cat from the man known as Felix Perkins (he runs a shop called Purr-kins) but has to make an emergency stop at the office on the way back to tell one of his company’s terrible managers (Mark Consuelos) that his ass is shit canned.  Unfortunately for Tom, lightning strikes, shenanigans ensue, and he ends up in the body of the cat while his real body is in a coma (presumably the cat’s consciousness just died or something).  Now he has to find a way back into his body before that awful manager dude somehow sells the company out from under him and his son, while also learning that maybe life isn’t all about going to work every day and providing for your family.  What a moral.  Can Kevin Spacey bother to show any interest in this performance?  Just how embarrassing can Jennifer Garner’s performance get?  WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!?!?

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Oh, well NOW it makes sense!  This must be the head of EuropaCorp!

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Cinema Dispatch: Suicide Squad

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

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Suicide Squad and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by David Ayer

After Batman v Superman, I can’t imagine how everyone behind this movie wasn’t shaking in their boots now that the ENTIRE franchise is resting on their should to right the course and bring audiences back around before the Justice League and Wonder Woman movies have a chance to kick this cinematic universe into high gear.  In fact, the heavily publicized reshoots of this movie were probably due almost entirely those expectations being thrust upon this after Batman v Superman fell flat on its face.  Still, even when that movie was running its course, there was always the hope that this one would be the fun alternative to the somber and serious Snyder film and the marketing at least was leaning heavily on that idea to sell it to the masses.  Does this succeed in distinguishing itself from the rest of the DCCU which includes a maybe a third of a good movie and a really awful one, or were DC and WB playing us all for fools by convincing us this one would be different?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the first undertaking of The Suicide Squad which is a group of SUPER criminals that the US government plans to use in order to fight meta-human or otherwise extremely dangerous threats.  The project is being pushed forward by the tough as nails Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) and is comprised of Deadshot (Will Smith) who is a perfect shot, Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie) who… I guess is good with a baseball bat, El Diablo (Jay Hernandez) who’s actually doing this under duress as he’s given up his fire spewing ways, Killer Croc (Adewale Akinnouye-Agabaje) who’s… half man half crocodile I think, Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney) who is pretty good at throwing boomerangs, and of course Slipknot (Adam Beach) who doesn’t do shit.  Along with the squad is Col Rick Flagg (Joel Kinnaman) who’s basically serving as their babysitter and also has the power to blow their heads off if they step out of line (NOTHING at all like Battle Royale) and Katana (Karen Fukuhara) who I think is supposed to be a good guy at least compared to the other members (as far as I can tell, she’s NOT actually in jail and volunteered for the mission) and she’s got a magic sword.  Not what I’d call the best team to send out when a city gets very nearly leveled by an evil witch called The Enchantress that is inhabiting the body of Dr June Moone (Cara Delvingne) who JUST SO HAPPENS to be Flagg’s girlfriend, but at least the government won’t have to pay for their funeral expenses when they surely get obliterated by dark and unimaginable forces.  Can the Suicide Squad manage to infiltrate the city that’s crawling with monsters summoned by the witch and save a highly valuable target inside?  What about the Joker?  Isn’t he supposed to be in this too?  Does the fate of the world REALLY need to rest on the shoulders of Captain Boomerang!?

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“Deadshot!  Secure the perimeter!  Harley!  Keep an eye on the door!  Boomerang!”     “WHAT IS IT BOSS!?  I’M READY FOR ANYTHING!!”     “Go get me a coffee.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Bad Moms

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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Bad Moms and all the images you see in this review are owned by STX Entertainment

Directed by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore

It’s the triumphant return of Mila Kunis who… actually didn’t really go anywhere, but then Jupiter Ascending does feel like it came out a LONG time ago.  Anyway, the trailers for this movie really didn’t inspire much hope as it looked like an unholy mashup between Mother’s Day and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, but the cast is pretty strong which is both good for this movie and also depressing considering really great actresses like the aforementioned Mila Kunis as well as Katheryn Hahn, Kristen Bell, Christina Applegate, and Jada Pinkett Smith are stuck doing stuff like this which in all honestly looks pretty bad.  Does this movie manage to rise above expectations and turn out to be a delightful romp, or is this another failed comedy that’s trying way too hard and completely failing at being edgy?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is all about Amy (Mila Kunis) who’s a mother of two and is struggling with the worst white people problems you can imagine!  Her kids need rides to their extracurricular activities, she’s not appreciated at her high paying job, and her husband is a lazy slob who masturbates a lot.  Okay, the PTA is an overbearing monstrosity headed up by the EVIL Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate) and her cronies (Jada Pinkett Smith and Annie Mumolo) so that sucks, not to mention that her husband is masturbating with another woman which is REALLY fucked up when they’ve been hiding it from Amy for ten months, so she’s on the edge of nervous breakdown.  What could possibly put her over the edge?  THE BAKE SALE!  SCREW THAT SHIT!  She’s done with ALL of this and is about to do HORRIBLE things like… have her twelve year old kids make their own breakfast and not go to the insane PTA meetings.  Huh.  Well, she finds some compatriots in her quest to become a “Bad Mom” (quotes very intentional here) in the form of Carla (Kathryn Hahn) who really IS a bad mom and Kiki (Kristen Bell) who’s in a really unhealthy relationship and is on the verge of her own emotional collapse.  So they basically transition from being overbearing mothers to ones who demand space from their familes and for them to take on more responsibilities in their own lives.  Doesn’t sound like much of a problem, but this doesn’t go unnoticed by Gwendolyn who maintains her iron grip on the PTA through intimidation and fear, so this “Bad Mom” as it were is a threat to her little totalitarian state and she will put a stop to it by taking it out on Amy’s kids.  Oh HELL no!  Amy’s not about to take that shit lying down, so on top of spreading the gospel of “Bad Moms”, she’s also going to run for PTA president to unseat the HBIC and be the HBIC herself!  Can Amy succeed in getting the other parents on her side to stop Gwendolyn’s reign of terror?  What consequences will this new form of parenting have on her home life and her children?  Just how “BAD” are these mom’s gonna get!?

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MOTHERS!?  Imbibing of SPIRITS!?  HOW ABSURD!  I can feel my sense of moral fortitude being shat upon as we speak!

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Cinema Dispatch: NERVEous Breakdown

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Nerve is owned by Lionsgate

I knew that while I was writing my review of this movie that there was no way I could fully express my utter bewilderment at what happens in the final twenty or so minutes without having a damn near incomprehensible rant right in the middle and without giving away HUGE spoilers.  Well now that the review is finished and you can find out my thoughts (essentially spoiler free) there, I think now is the time to get all this built up frustration out in a constructive and hopefully coherent manner.  Needless to say that this will contain ALL OF THE SPOILERS for the movie as so much of my problems with the logic of this (both from my understanding of technology and from the rules the movie sets for itself) is what is ultimately revealed by the end, so don’t read this before going to see the movie which I still recommend you do despite how much I HATED the ending.  Before we begin though, there’s still one very important question to answer.

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Why Do I Care So Much!?

Honestly?  I don’t really know.  I mean, one of my favorite movies of the year is The Purge Election Year, and can I honestly say that THAT movie makes any more sense than this one?  Probably not, but I think it ultimately comes down to what each movie is trying to accomplish.  The Purge: Election Year is upfront with what it wants to be and infuses every moment of screen time with that sense of purpose.  There’s no bait and switch or a drastic shifts in tone that make you questions whether or not the filmmakers want you to believe in what is going on (beyond as a scathing and blunt metaphor for the current state of US politics), so it manages to stay consistent all the way through.  This movie feels disingenuous when it eventually gets around to turning Nerve from a plot device into the main dramatic thrust of the final act as it turns out to be SUPER EVIL.  To be fair, it’s not like they aren’t dropping hints throughout the movie (and Nerve at no point doesn’t come off like the worst kind of hacktivist bro-centric garbage) but the movie doesn’t want us to focus on that until the end and when it does I don’t feel the movie earned the right to use this sloppy and barely defined entity in the way that it does.  The Purge has a backstory and mechanics.  Nerve has neither and so its constantly pulling stuff out of its ass to make it more threatening than it has any right to be in this grounded (if SLIGHTY exaggerated) world that the movie takes place in.  When shit started to hit the fan, it just didn’t feel necessary to me, and they were biting off way more than they had any hopes of chewing.  Well then, let’s get to it!  Spoilers form here on out!  Oh, and FYI, I’m not an expert (or even all that smart) in ANYTHING I’m about to discuss, so if someone out there wants to point out how stupid I am and how any of this makes sense, then go right ahead.

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Cinema Dispatch: Nerve

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Nerve and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman

Well if they were gonna make a teenaged version of a David Fincher film, The Game is probably a good place to start.  You don’t want to go with Se7en or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo right off the bat!  Then again, he already made his own teen movie with The Social Network.  Anyway, this new movie starring the less famous (though probably not for long) Franco brother as well as the star of Hotel for Dogs and Nancy Drew (Okay, she was also in American Horror Story and Scream Queens) seems to be trying to tell us something about social media and… I guess dumb asses on YouTube?  Whatever this movie is about, it at least has an interesting (if super spoilerific) trailer, so is it possible there’s something actually here to chew on?  Let’s find out!!

The movie begins with Vee (Emma Roberts) who’s on the cusp of graduating high school but isn’t sure what college she wants to go to.  In fact, indecision seems to be her biggest defining feature; possibly brought on by the untimely (and unexplained) death of her brother only two years earlier.  Now she’s about to leave the comfort of compulsory education while still never living that true HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCETM.  Luckily for her, social media and… probably a bunch of libertarian basement dwellers, have JUST the thing for her; an online service called Nerve.  Her friend Sydney (Emily Meade) turns her onto it, and it’s basically a webcam site only instead of whipping her boobs out for money, she’s given dares to complete instead.  I’m pretty sure whipping her boobs out would have been at least half the dares if this was in the REAL world, but in this movie she’s basically given Jackass style stunts instead.  Her “Just Friends” friend Tommy (Miles Heizer) is being a super wet blanket about all this which gives handsome as fuck Ian (Dave Franco) a chance to swoop in as another Nerve Player (you’re either a Player or a Watcher on Nerve) ready to take her on a city wide adventure with riskier and riskier dares for them to complete!  Will these two make it through the night of dares with their internal organs intact?  What is the true motivation of Ian who JUST SO HAPPENED to be in the same area as Vee?  Just what are the evil puppet masters of Nerve planning!?  Is it a pizza party!?

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No.  It’s… probably not a pizza party…

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Cinema Dispatch: Star Trek Beyond

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 2 Comments

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Star Trek Beyond and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Justin Lin

We’re once again invited to visit this new Star Trek universe, though it doesn’t quite have the same shine that it used to now that we saw the bafflingly mishandled Into Darkness, and even that really crappy video game that came out.  Remember that?  While we all may fondly remember the first reboot film in this series that kicked off this new universe, there’s no doubt that some damage has been done in the intervening years that it’s now up to this movie to start correcting.  Do they manage to steer the ship back on course, or should we all start heading for the lifeboats before this whole franchise crashes and burns?  Let’s find out!!

The movie follows the crew of the USS Enterprise who are in the middle of their five year mission to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and civilizations, and to boldly go where no one has gone before.  Of course, for some reason there’s a Federation space station in the middle of this supposed unknown, but whatever.  They need to fuel up the tank every once in a while.  Anyway, during their pit stop at the space station Yorktown, Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) is getting ready to give up his command of the Enterprise… for some reason, but can’t do it just yet as a distress ship manages to make it to Yorktown with an alien who’s begging Starfleet to help them out.  Kirk agrees to get everyone back on board the Enterprise (probably pissing off a lot of the crew in the process) and heads to wherever this planet is which honestly doesn’t seem to be too far but there’s a giant nebula between Yorktown and this mystery planet so maybe it’s just that no one wanted to fly straight through that.  Kirk does however, but once they make it to just outside the planet’s orbit, a fleet of a bajillion tiny ships tears the enterprise to shreds and the bad guy of this movie simply known as Krall (Idris Elba) JUST SO HAPPENS to find that the Enterprise is carrying the ONE piece of a superweapon that he’s been searching for all this time that’s only on the ship due to a fluke peace mission from some point during their five year mission.  Luckily Kirk manages to hide it before the ship goes down in flames, but now the crew is completely separated and needs to find a way to get back together, defeat Krall, and get the hell off this planet.  Spock and Bones McCoy (Zachary Quinto) are together constantly kvetching at each other, Scotty (Simon Pegg) ends up meeting a local alien trying to get herself off the planet too named Jaylah (Sofia Boutella), Uhura and Sulu (Zoe Saldana and John Cho) are captured by the enemy along with most of the remaining crew, and Kirk and Chekov (Anton Yelchin) are left with the alien who initially sent them to this planet and are working together to find what remains of the enterprise.  Can these heroes set aside their differences and work together so they can survive this mission?  What is Krall planning to blow up with the super weapon once he finally gets the pieces together?  Most importantly, just how grumpy can Bones get!?

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“So what’s the plan again?”     “You forgot already?”     “Damn it Spock!  I’m a doctor, not a-”     “Alright fine!  I’ll explain it again!”     “Is he always like this?”     “All the time.”

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Cinema Dispatch: Lights Out

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 1 Comment

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Lights Out and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros

Directed by David F Sandberg

This movie managed to fly COMPLETLEY under the radar for me.  I think I saw one poster and one trailer for this movie before I went to go see it, and frankly it looked no better than your typical Blumhouse sequel or even The Forest from earlier this year.  Still, there have been a few damn good horror movies this year (at least three are eligible for my top ten list) so maybe there’ll be something to this as everyone seems to have stepped up their game this year.  Can this manage to be yet another great horror movie in the Post Paranormal Activity era, or is this another cheap cash grab to make a few bucks off undiscerning teenagers?  Lets’ find out!!

The movie follows Rebecca (Teresa Palmer) who’s living her life as… a tattoo artist I think, with her sort of boyfriend Bret (Alexander DiPersia) but it all gets turned upside down when Child Protective Services calls her up as an emergency contact for her younger half-brother Martin (Gabriel Bateman) who’s been falling asleep in class lately and seems to be having very intense nightmares.  Unfortunately this is nothing new for Rebecca as her mother is known to go through manic depressive episodes which she was subject to several times as a young girl, especially considering that Martin’s father (Billy Burke) recently died under… suspicious circumstances, which parallels with Rebecca’s own father ran off when she was a kid (*cough* bullshit *cough*) and her mother is going through the same motions.  The thing is though that it’s not just her mom being unbalanced that’s causing Martin nightmares.  There seems to be a monster lurking in the dark that his mother is acting all buddy-buddy with which is freaky as hell in its own right before it starts banging on his door at night!  What is this monster that their mother has invited into the house?  Has it ALWAYS been there… hiding in the background… sneaking in the shadows?  Is this gonna turn into a gritty reboot of The Funky Phantom!?

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I don’t think it’s funky time for this phantom…

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Cinema Dispatch: Ghostbusters v Ghostbusters

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Ghostbusters (2016) and Ghostbusters (1984) are both owned by Columbia Pictures

The new movie has finally come out we can all confirm that the world has not plunged into forty years of darkness, but while there have yet to be any reports of rivers and seas boiling or dogs and cats living together, there’s denying that we indeed saw some mass hysteria .  Hopefully all that will subside soon enough, but those people have already gotten more attention than they deserve and it’s been difficult to keep everything in perspective as some people decided that the success or failure of this movie was going to be the crescendo in some childhood ruining man hating agenda, so trying to have a measured conversation about the strengths of both this new film and the original it’s based off of has not been an easy task.  Thankfully we can hopefully start taking a measured look at both films’ individual merits and how one movie might have done somethings better than the other without having the more obnoxious among us either use it as proof that we are biased or evidence that the new movie is horrible.  To kick that discussion off, here’s my own examination of both films and how one stacks up to the other based on important aspects that are in both films!

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Who Ya Gonna Call? (The Crew)

This new movie made two fantastic decisions right off the bat.  It was a reboot instead of a sequel, and they didn’t try to make these new characters analogues for the original crew.  No one in this movie is a recreation of someone from the last film which means that we don’t have to play the WHO DID IT BETTER game on individual actors (a decision also wisely made by the Evil Dead reboot), and similarly I’m so glad that this new Ghostbusters team is not the trainees, or even worse THE DAUGHTERS, of the original crew which would have completely ruined what makes these new characters so interesting.  Look, I’m well aware that this is a movie starring women that FIRST had to be done by men, but the fact that it’s not the case in the movie itself is an inspiring message to young girls to be proactive and forge their own paths.  A lot of people who are upset about this movie seem to think it would have been better if this was a passing of the torch story which is a concept that worked pretty well for Star Wars, but there’s no way it would have worked here.  At least in that movie there’s a whole universe to explore and the new people wouldn’t necessarily be in the shadows of the original cast allows them to do their own thing; something that would be infinitely harder here if the new Ghostbusters were still using the same logos, firehouse, equipment, jumpsuits, what have you that the original cast were wearing twenty years ago and everyone in the movie knew that.  It wouldn’t be able to be its own thing as it would constantly be in the shadows of the original members who are still hanging around the background and would take attention away from the brilliant actors that are the real stars here.

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