Category: Cinema Dispatch

Cinema Dispatch: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Tim Burton

The thing about the current wave of nostalgia-bait movies is that it’s not a new problem for Hollywood. The early 2000s were stuffed to the brim with old TV shows being turned into lousy movies, and even before that were several movies trying to cash in on the Boomers’ wistful memories of their childhood. The main difference today is that the Internet has made the conversation about it inescapable, as we all have an opinion on the relative quality of the latest return of a beloved character. Making a sequel to Beetlejuice feels like a lightning rod for this kind of discourse, and yet I think everyone went into this with a lot more optimism than expected. Perhaps we all have such great memories of the original that we’d like to see the premise given it another go, or maybe we all just want Tim Burton to make a good movie again, and we’re all hoping that giving him some sizable training wheels is what will do the trick. Is this a genuinely fresh take on the material that is comparable to the beloved original, or are we in for a mediocre retread from a director well past his prime? Let’s find out!!

It’s been over thirty years since Lydia Deetz (Winona Ryder) moved into that house on the hill where she met the Maitlands and had that terrifying run in with the bio-exorcist Beetlejuice/Betelgeuse (Michael Keaton) who nearly took her as his bride when she was just a teenager. Things have certainly been up and down for her since then, as you’d expect from seeing someone again after so long, and she’s landed a decent gig as an infinitely more charismatic Zak Bagans; hosting a goofy little supernatural TV series for stay at home parents and Boomers who could afford to retire. Her producer Rory (Justin Theroux) has big plans for her career, but fate throws a wrench in all of that when her father dies in a most deliciously ghastly manner; leaving her stepmother Delia (Catherine O’Hara) a widow and her estranged daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega) without a grandfather on top of losing her father in a bizarre piranha accident. Everyone is brought back to the old Maitland house for the funeral, but being back here isn’t sitting well with Lydia, as she’s been having visions of Beetlejuice/Betelgeuse that seem to only grow stronger the more distressed she becomes. Is the maniacal ghoul up to his old tricks now that Lydia is back in the house and overwhelmed by the grim realities of life? Why did Astrid and Lydia grow so far apart, and can a wacky adventure through the Afterlife them mend the divide? Seriously, can we get a straight answer on how we’re supposed to spell this guy’s name? The guy’s trying to run a business, and you need to have consistency when designing the business cards!

“It’s very simple. Clients call me Betelgeuse, friends call me Beetlejuice, and REALLY good friends call me daddy.”
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Cinema Dispatch: The Crow

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

The Crow and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate

Directed by Rupert Sanders

It’s been almost twenty years since the last Crow movie, and about thirty years since the only one anybody cared about. The production history on this is as tortured and unkillable as Eric Draven himself, and yet the box office proved to be the one thing that could put it down for good, as this reboot tanked as hard as Borderlands did just a few weeks ago. Still, something like the Crow would also be niche outside its one moment of pop culture relevance, so very few people going to see it doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t hit for the right kind of audience. Was the decade of false-starts and production woes worth suffering through to finally get us here, or should this have stayed dead, buried, and plowed over with concrete? Let’s find out!!

Eric Draven (Bill Skarsgård) isn’t great at a lot of things, but he is a solid boyfriend to Shelly (FKA Twigs) who’s escaped from a bad situation and is looking for a fresh start. Sadly for the both of them, her past catches up to her and the two are murdered by the hired goons of Vincent Roeg (Danny Huston). With such a horrible fate befalling them, a mysterious strange in the place in between life and death (Sami Bouajila) offers Eric the chance to come back to life and get his revenge against the monsters that did this to him as well as save Shelly’s soul because Vincent has some sort of demon thing going on that sends people straight to Hell. With nothing else to live for, or die for I guess, Eric takes the offer and becomes an angel of vengeance and begins his quest for the soul of his dearly departed girlfriend. Does this new lease on undead life restore balance to a world that has been corrupted by dark forces? Why did Vincent go after Shelly in the first place, and will Eric like the answers he finds along the way? Will he fight with all the strength and speed of the mighty crow!?

“CA-CAW!!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Alien: Romulus

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Alien: Romulus and all the images you see in this review are owned by 20th Century Studios

Directed by Fede Álvarez

The Alien franchise is unique because it’s a series that descended into utter shlock, but never truly lost its prestige. Heck, the first sequel to it was blatantly an attempt to turn an atmospheric horror movie into a wild shoot-em-up, and yet it’s considered nearly as good, if not the equal of, the original film. No matter how many times it gets screwed up by the studio or has terrible crossovers with The Predator, a new Alien film always comes with a certain amount of clout because we all remember just how good that original film is. This latest attempt is the most direct attempt yet at recapturing that magic, but is it simply too big a task for any filmmaker to recapture the magic of that first film? Let’s find out!!

Taking place a number of years after the Nostromo event, we follow a group of rag tag street toughs with dreams of escaping their Weyland-Yutani owned mining planet for the blue skies and green pastures of another planet. To get there, they need to salvage cryostasis chambers from a wrecked space station just outside their home planet’s atmosphere, and with the help of Rain (Cailee Spaeny) and her adopted android brother Andy (David Jonsson), they might just have a shot of pulling it off. Unfortunately for them, the space station was conducting experiments on the Xenomorphs which naturally begin to escape as soon as these kids start mucking up the place and mess with the thermostat. In order to escape the vessel with the cryo-pods and their fleshy innards intact, Andy installs a data chip that fills him with knowledge of the alien threat as well as the darkest secrets that Weyland-Yutani are hiding. Will our crew of at risk youths make it out alive with the help of Andy 2.0? What else is Weyland-Yutani up to, and is there more to all this than Andy us letting in on? Do you think the Xenomorphs ever get tired of screeching all the time, or is that part of the fun for them?

“I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Álvarez.”
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Cinema Dispatch: Borderlands

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Borderlands and all the images you see in this review are owned by Lionsgate Films

Directed by Eli Roth

Video game adaptations have certainly gotten better in the last few years, but there’s still a wide gulf between genuinely good movies and good-for-a-video-game-adaptation. I had mixed feelings about this when the trailer dropped as it looked like a Guardians of the Galaxy knock-off which worked out well for Dungeons & Dragons, but it’s also directed by the guy whose made some of my least favorite movies of all time. Does Eli Roth finally prove himself to be a competent mainstream director with a fun adaptation of a beloved game franchise, or will he be just another director who couldn’t crack the code on turning games into movies? Let’s find out!!

Welcome to Pandora! The planet that is to late-stage Capitalism what Rapture was to Objectivism! Corporations have stripped the planet bare, everyone is a jerk only out for themselves, and the masses are placated with a false promise of ascending up the social ladder by achieving the Pandorian Dream; in this case, finding a secret vault full of ancient alien treasure. Bounty hunter Lilith (Cate Blanchet) is far too savvy to buy into that nonsense, but she makes her way to the planet anyway in order to rescue Tina (Ariana Greenblatt), the daughter of an industrialist (Edgar Ramirez) who was taken to Pandora by Roland (Kevin Hart). When she arrives, she finds the foul-mouthed teen bumming around with Roland and Krieg; the latter being a jacked dude with a mask (Florian Munteanu) who’s surprisingly good with kids. Let’s just say that the rescue goes a bit sideways for Lilith, a situation not helped by a bunch of space cops trying to grab her bounty out from under her, and she ends up stuck with this group of misfits who are there to find the vault and prevent Tina’s dad from using it for evil! With the help of a local scientist (Jamie Lee Curtis) who knows more about the vault than anyone else on the planet as well as a robot named Claptrap (Jack Black) who follows Lilith around and seems to be programmed for maximum annoyance, will they be able to find the one thing on the planet that the wealthy can’t get their hands on and use it to make things better for the people of Pandora? Why did Roland need to take Tina in order to do this, and is does Lilith have a connection to all this that she has yet to understand? Perhaps they can also solve the mystery of how her hair is able to look like that without using super glue and spray paint.

“Seriously, do you use a diffuser when blow-drying it, or is all in the hair gel?”     “Can we talk about something else, please?”
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Cinema Dispatch: Trap

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Trap and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by M Night Shyamalan

We all know Shyamalan’s decidedly mixed filmography, but as bad as his movies were in the late 2000s and early 2010s, he’s been on a sensational upswing since The Visit and Split. Sure, not everyone like Old and Glass, but there’s no denying that his post-After Earth career has been far more interesting than most of what came before. Does his upward momentum continue with this simple bottle film set at a concert? Let’s find out!!

Cooper (Josh Hartnett) is such a great dad that you believe his World’s Greatest Dad mug is telling the truth, and what better way to prove your dad-bonafides than by taking your daughter (Ariel Donoghue) to a concert for her favorite pop star (Saleka Night Shyamalan)? Sadly, this turns out to be a very bad decision, and not just because of all the screaming tweens, but because this concert is one big trap to catch a serial killer whose been prowling the streets of Philadelphia for years and also happens to be our number one dad. It doesn’t take long for Cooper to put the pieces together, and he starts looking at every corner of the building to see if there’s a way to escape their clutches while also keeping his daughter from learning his dark secret; at least not until the encore and a visit to the merch stand. Will Cooper find a way to keep himself out of jail and his family whole despite the dragnet slowly closing in around him? How does someone like this keep such a terrible secret from everyone he loves, and what will he do when his dark half and his family life start intertwining? Do you think he ever gets the two of them confused?

“And when his arms came off, there was just blood shooting everywhere! Uh… in Minecraft, of course.”     “Cool story, dad. Can we just go to our seats?”
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Cinema Dispatch: Deadpool & Wolverine

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Deadpool & Wolverine and all the images you see in this review are owned by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Directed by Shawn Levy

Everyone’s sick of the MCU until they aren’t, and if the box office is anything to go by, then it looks like Marvel Fatigue has officially ended as this is making quite a pretty penny for Disney. Then again, both these characters were major stars well before Disney got a hold of them, so the success of this movie came as no surprise to anyone; even those who’ve declared the MCU to be over a dozen times already. Still, were they right to be skeptical about Deadpool entering the MCU, or does his third outing deliver on what makes this character great along with bringing in truckloads of cash? Let’s find out!!

It’s been six years since the last Deadpool movie, and it seems that Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) has spent that time doing everything except being Deadpool. He’s got a new job, he’s broken up with Vanessa (Morena Baccarin), and he’s even moved in with his landlord (Leslie Uggams) who’s still doing a lot of drugs while Wade has gone straight-edge. This odd change in the status quo hasn’t gone over his friends’ heads, but before they can really confront him about it at his birthday party, he gets kidnapped by none other than the Time Variance Authority (TVA) who believe him to be a valuable asset and want to move him to a different universe before his own gets destroyed. Not exactly a great birthday present if you ask me, and Wade seems to agree as he runs off and recruits a Wolverine from another universe (Hugh Jackman) to help him fix whatever has gone so disastrously wrong and save all his friends in the process. Can the sullen and taciturn guy with the claws help Deadpool save the world, especially when he’s so thoroughly irritated by Deadpool’s jokes and goofy attitude? What led to Deadpool putting up the tights for so long, and can he find a way to fix himself as well as the universe he calls home? Seriously, do these two actually hate each other, or is this just some elaborate form of foreplay?

“Is that a bullet in your kidney, or are you just happy to see me?”
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Cinema Dispatch: Longlegs

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Longlegs and all the images you see in this review are owned by Neon

Directed by Osgood Perkins

I don’t want to bring up the box office every time I write a review these days, but it seems that the only reliably bankable genres are now kid’s movies and horror films. Horror has always had a leg up in theaters since they are cheap to produce and easy to sell to audiences looking for a thrill, but the genre has had some truly remarkable entries the last few years and I wouldn’t be surprised if it eventually gets enough momentum, both critically and financially, to start getting a few nods from the famously stuffy Academy. Is this latest effort from Osgood Perkins another feather in the genre’s cap, or does this fail to stand out among its bigger and better peers? Let’s find out!!

Lee Harker (Maika Monroe) is unassuming and soft-spoken, but she manages to stand out among her peers at the FBI with an uncanny intuition about the murders they are chasing, and while she doesn’t get assigned to the X-Files to be Mulder’s new partner, she does get assigned to a case involving the brutal murder of nearly a dozen families by the enigmatic killer known simply as Longlegs (Nicolas Cage) who always leaves a note but never seems to be there for the crime itself. She starts to connect the dots on a few of the murders which leaves her supervisor Carter (Blair Underwood) both impressed and skeptical, but things take a dark turn when Longlegs contacts her directly with clues that only hasten the investigation but bring her closer to him and whatever mysterious plans he has for her. As the evidence starts to point towards yet another massacre of a family, can Lee uncover the mystery in time to save Longlegs’ next victims from their terrible fate? What is driving this man to kill in such horrific ways, and is there more to this case than what science and evidence can point to? Seriously, who did Lee tick off to get stuck with this weirdo killer? Even Clarice had an easier time on her first assignment!

“’Join the FBI’ they said. ‘Silence of the Lambs is just a movie’ they said…”
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Cinema Dispatch: Monkey Man, The Fall Guy, and I Saw the TV Glow

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Between the time I saw the first of these movies and finished the last of them, the movie industry was dead, saved, and probably died again with each week being a coin toss as to where the story will go next. Perhaps it’s best that I didn’t have time to get to them right away, and in doing so avoided the box office drama that surrounded each new release. I certainly don’t have anything interesting to add to that conversation as I’m just here to watch the movies, but I’m sure that’s why you’re here as well, so let’s not waste any more time and dive right in!

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Monkey Man

Monkey Man is by Universal Pictures

Directed by Dev Patel

In the roughest part of a city of Yatana, you will find several less than savory characters; some in the rich cocaine dens run by the upper crust of society and others in the dingy arenas where fighters pulverize each other for cash. One such fighter is a man known as Kid (Dev Patel) who fights as the Monkey Man so that he can buy the tools he needs to exact vengeance on the rich and powerful who destroyed his childhood village and murdered his mother. Nothing is as simple as it seems, however, as the corruption that led to this slaughter goes to the highest peaks of India’s government, and none of them are going to stand for this forest brat tearing through their carefully laid plans to run the country. Will our hero bring down the system as an act of divine justice, or will his single-minded quest for blood only lead him to his own grave?

Dev Patel has definitely earned his Thespian stripes in recent years with a series of indie dramas and the bizarre art piece that was The Green Knight, and while it does feel like something of a swerve for his directorial debut to be a John Wick knock-off, he does fill it with enough stylistic flair to find a niche separate from its influences. It’s a movie that’s less about its plot and more about the details, with the setting playing as much a role in this movie as any of its characters. Some of it will perhaps be lost on Western audiences who aren’t familiar with India’s political landscape or economic situation, and I’m counting myself among those who are ignorant of these topics, but Patel fills the scenes with enough life and interesting side characters that it’s easy enough to slip into the world with Kid serving as our guide throughout it. Still, if there’s any area where the movie feels underwhelming, it’s with a few of the characters who are well drawn to fit the archetype or class of person that they need to represent, but don’t have much going on beyond that. The big bad at the end of the movie is almost a throwaway character; not for being unimportant to the overall plot as he’s the one pulling the strings and is most emblematic of the criticism Patel is leveraging against India’s government, but because the movie is simply not as concerned with his actions as they are with the secondary villain who gets far more screen time and is directly involved with the tragedy that sent Kid on his path of vengeance. The film makes a game attempt at melding social commentary with a classic revenge story, but there’s an obvious tension between the two that the film never fully resolves. Thankfully, the action is able to pick up the slack in the film’s narrative, and Patel has thrown himself into the role with a fiery passion. Physical roles like this can be quite taxing on an actor, especially one who’s not used to these kinds of roles, so the fact that he manages to look convincing throughout is impressive to say the least. I suppose my final thoughts on this is that it’s about as good as any number of action films that have tried to recapture the magic of John Wick; including the John Wick sequels. In some respects, this is a bit disappointing as Patel is clearly shooting for this to be an elevation of the genre given its themes and social commentary, but then again, how many first time directors can pull off action this good, both in front of and behind the camera?

3.5 out of 5
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Cinema Dispatch: Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by George Miller

Mad Max: Fury Road was an important film for a lot of people, but for me, it was my first attempt at reviewing a contemporary movie I saw in the theaters. Sure, I had been reviewing movies on streaming services for a while before then, but there was something about the movie that made me feel I could say something interesting about it. It’s been nine years since then and George Miller has finally made the Furiosa movie he’s been dreaming of, and I’ve written an absurd amount of movie reviews since then, so it’ll be good to reconnect after all this time! Is this a proper follow up to one of the most intense and brilliantly crafted action films of the last decade, or is a Mad Max movie without Mad Max just another post-apocalyptic slog? Let’s find out!!

The post-apocalypse isn’t fun for anyone, but a small group of people have at least managed to pull together a modest and healthy living in an area known as The Green Place of Many Mothers. One of its residents is the young Furiosa (Alyla Browne and Anya Taylor-Joy) who gets kidnapped by minions of the dreaded Lord Dementus (Chris Hemsworth) who may not be able to extract the Green Place’s location from her, but definitely sees something special in the young girl. Through political wheeling and dealing that keeps a modest peace between Dementus and the terrifying Immortan Joe (Lachy Hulme), Furiosa ends up in Joe’s kingdom and manages to maneuver herself into a mechanic role building War Rigs to transport supplies between the major outposts in the wasteland. Still, Furiosa has not forgotten everything that Dementus took away from her and the horrors she narrowly avoided while under Joe’s thumb, and with the help of a driver (Tom Burke) she just might have a way to return to her old life and leave nothing but a scorched wasteland in her wake. Well… at least a slightly more scorched wasteland. What trials and tribulations will Furiosa face that led her to the events of Fury Road? Does she have any hope of getting revenge against Lord Dementus without losing everything that matters to her in the process? Things like, oh I don’t know… say your left arm?

“You’re lucky I’m a righty, or else I’d be REALLY pissed!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Hundreds of Beavers

~ Matt Vetrano ~ Leave a comment

Hundreds of Beavers and all the images you see in this review are owned by SRH

Directed by Mike Cheslik

It’s always interesting when my local theater gets a movie in for a single screening. I’m curious what the motivation is for something like that, as they did the same thing with Cade: The Tortured Crossing. Is there just someone on staff who really wanted to see it, or do they think it’s got enough juice in this town to fill the theater once before interest fizzles out? In any case, this strange little comedy that I’ve barely heard anything about certainly caught my eye with its odd trailer, so perhaps the person they brought this movie in for was me the whole time! Is this an underappreciated gem that will delight whatever audiences can find it, or is this better off being screened to as few audiences as possible? Let’s find out!!

The Applejack magnate Jean Kayak (Ryland Brickson Cole Tews) is living his best life serving apple infused alcohol to the local fur trappers while indulging in his product as often as he can. Sadly, his life is brought to a screeching halt when his distillery is destroyed in comedic fashion, and he’s left with nothing but the clothes on his back in the harsh and frigid wilderness. He works his way from chasing rabbits to catching raccoons and eventually finds himself seeking the hand of the local fur trader’s daughter (Olivia Graves) while apprenticing under a master trapper (Wes Tank). As Jean hones his craft and is forced to seek his fortune on his own, he gets the attention of the local population of beavers, who seem to be up to something and don’t much care for this new interloper. Will Jean win the affection of the fur trader’s daughter before bumbling his way into an early grave? What do the beavers have planned to stop him from interfering with their secretive plans? Does it possibly involve a large number of said beavers? Maybe in the three digit range?

“In my defense, you all have really nice fur!”
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