Cinema Dispatch: The Substance

The Substance and all the images you see in this review are owned by Mubi

Directed by Coralie Fargeat

The movie-going public tends to focus on the big releases while letting all the smaller and niche films fly in under the radar, but every once in a while something manages to smash general audiences in the face, and it’s suddenly the only thing we’re talking about. The trailer for this certainly offers an intriguing premise with its criticism of societal beauty standards and hints at some seriously icky body horror, so it’s no surprise that this one broke the surface and generated a lot of buzz. Does the film live up to the hype surrounding it, or will its talking points stay relevant longer than the audience’s interest in the movie itself? Let’s find out!!

Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) was once a star of the silver screen but has spent the last few years of her career being a fitness guru with her own long-running daily workout show. Unfortunately for her, and pretty much every woman in Hollywood, the whole town is run by sleazy jerks and there are few sleazier than her producer Harvey (Dennis Quaid) who unceremoniously retires her from her own show for being too old. Let ready to lie down so easily, she jumps on the latest beauty craze which is a mysterious substance called… well, The Substance, that makes wild promises about what can be done to give her back her youthful glow. In a process that would make David Cronenberg proud, Elisabeth becomes two people with the power of The Substance; former starlet Elisabeth and younger up-and-coming star Sue (Margaret Qualley). Both must coexist in an overly complicated and regimented manner, as there’s always a catch with these things, and like most beauty routines or strict diets, it more or less sets her up to fail, and the two halves start to strain under one another’s existence. Just how far will Elisabeth and Sue go to stay relevant in such a beauty obsessed industry, and will the risk be worth the reward? What is the nature of this mysterious goo they are using, and what will happen if they start to chafe against the rules? Will they both realize the monsters that this is turning them into and rebel against the patriarchal system, or is she going to crash and burn, and we’re just along for the ride?

“Despite all my rage, I am still Demi Moore in a cage!”
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Cinema Dispatch: Bad Boys: Ride or Die & Twisters

I’m pretty sure I say this every other month, but life can come at you pretty fast, and I’ve let a few things slip through the cracks in trying to keep up with it all. The casualties this time around were two very successful summer blockbusters which I probably would have gotten a few extra views if I was timely with these reviews, but there’s no time like the present to try and catch up! Were these classic films carelessly shunted to the end of my to-do list, or does it make some amount of sense that I couldn’t be bothered to finish these reviews when they were relevant? Let’s find out!!

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Bad Boys: Ride or Die

Bad Boys: Ride or Die is owned by Sony Pictures Releasing

Directed by Adil & Bilall

The first two Bad Boys movies are obnoxious and crass in a way that left me very ambivalent about going into the third one, but the new blood behind the camera ended up being the shot in the arm the franchise needed to stay relevant. This one, however, is content to rest on its laurels and use the excuse of a sequel to work out some fancy camera techniques. It’s not a bad movie by any stretch, and it still runs circles around the first two, but it lacks a meaningful reason to exist. The third one actually had something to say about its aging heroes, which gave it a sense of purpose beyond the action spectacle and funny banter. They try to keep that thread going here, but there’s nothing of substance to it, as Laurence’s brush with death early in the movie is a complete goof and doesn’t hit the same way that it did with Smith in the first one. They’re also not as interesting to watch as Smith and Laurence seem to be going through the motions at times, but I would chalk that up to the lackluster script. It’s supposed to be a redemptive story, but the plot is far too convoluted for it to have the raw emotional catharsis that you’d want, and without a clear direction to point our two leads, they feel a little lost in the weeds. Still, the action is fantastic with Adil & Bilall proving once again why Warner Bros were fools to dump their Batgirl movie, and while the action is certainly sillier than in the last one, there’s more than enough of it at a fast enough clip that you hardly even notice as you’re sitting through it. I got the sense that the third movie was written to be an end to the series, even if the door was open to possible sequels. I don’t get that sense watching this one, as the sequel door is left wide open with neon signs around it and a twenty dollar bill dangling on a fishing line. If they want to keep this franchise going for as long as Smith and Laurence are interested in doing so, then the best of luck to them, but running the sequel mill has its drawbacks, and despite the movie’s subtitle, there’s no significant shakeup to the status quo to mark this one out as a significant entry. It’s been several weeks since I saw it and very little has stuck with me the same way that Bad Boys for Life has, so by that measure it’s a disappointing sequel. Not a significant disappointment, especially since it’s still the second best in the series by my estimation, but you’re only gonna get so far when not trying to do too much.

3 out of 5

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Cinema Dispatch: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice and all the images you see in this review are owned by Warner Bros Pictures

Directed by Tim Burton

The thing about the current wave of nostalgia-bait movies is that it’s not a new problem for Hollywood. The early 2000s were stuffed to the brim with old TV shows being turned into lousy movies, and even before that were several movies trying to cash in on the Boomers’ wistful memories of their childhood. The main difference today is that the Internet has made the conversation about it inescapable, as we all have an opinion on the relative quality of the latest return of a beloved character. Making a sequel to Beetlejuice feels like a lightning rod for this kind of discourse, and yet I think everyone went into this with a lot more optimism than expected. Perhaps we all have such great memories of the original that we’d like to see the premise given it another go, or maybe we all just want Tim Burton to make a good movie again, and we’re all hoping that giving him some sizable training wheels is what will do the trick. Is this a genuinely fresh take on the material that is comparable to the beloved original, or are we in for a mediocre retread from a director well past his prime? Let’s find out!!

It’s been over thirty years since Lydia Deetz (Winona Ryder) moved into that house on the hill where she met the Maitlands and had that terrifying run in with the bio-exorcist Beetlejuice/Betelgeuse (Michael Keaton) who nearly took her as his bride when she was just a teenager. Things have certainly been up and down for her since then, as you’d expect from seeing someone again after so long, and she’s landed a decent gig as an infinitely more charismatic Zak Bagans; hosting a goofy little supernatural TV series for stay at home parents and Boomers who could afford to retire. Her producer Rory (Justin Theroux) has big plans for her career, but fate throws a wrench in all of that when her father dies in a most deliciously ghastly manner; leaving her stepmother Delia (Catherine O’Hara) a widow and her estranged daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega) without a grandfather on top of losing her father in a bizarre piranha accident. Everyone is brought back to the old Maitland house for the funeral, but being back here isn’t sitting well with Lydia, as she’s been having visions of Beetlejuice/Betelgeuse that seem to only grow stronger the more distressed she becomes. Is the maniacal ghoul up to his old tricks now that Lydia is back in the house and overwhelmed by the grim realities of life? Why did Astrid and Lydia grow so far apart, and can a wacky adventure through the Afterlife them mend the divide? Seriously, can we get a straight answer on how we’re supposed to spell this guy’s name? The guy’s trying to run a business, and you need to have consistency when designing the business cards!

“It’s very simple. Clients call me Betelgeuse, friends call me Beetlejuice, and REALLY good friends call me daddy.”
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Super Comics: Eye Lie Popeye – #1

Eye Lie Popeye and all the images you see in this review are owned by Massive Publishing and King Features

Written and drawn by Marcus Williams

Popeye shares that fate of many of his early animation peers in that they have a brand and legacy that enough people seem to care about, and yet no one seems to know what to do with him. Popeye is one of my favorite cartoon characters and the Robert Altman movie is an absolute classic, but it’s never been much more than a nostalgia property in my lifetime. The movie was over forty years ago, and the best we’ve gotten since then is the NES game, which was still well before my time. As far as I’m concerned, the only relevant thing in the Popeye canon since the turn of the millennium was that excellent episode of Death Battle where he kicked Saitama’s butt, and it seems to have tapped into something about the character given that this comic is very much inspired by the same ridiculously over the top Shonen anime that One Punch Man is a part of. Still, that worked as a one-off video for a couple of guys on YouTube. Is there enough juice in that lemon, or spinach in that can, to carry a series like this? Let’s find out!!

Our story begins with a plucky reporter named Judy P’Tooty who is determined to find out just how the legendary sailor Popeye lost his eye. I guess this proves what a fair-weather fan of Popeye I am, as I always thought he was just squinting, but apparently he’s missing an eye and everyone and their mother is ready to tell Judy how it happened. As a framing device for a first issue, this works well enough as we hear fantastical stories from Olive Oyl, Bluto, and Wimpy that perhaps are light on truth but reveal pertinent details about the cast. No one is going outside their established characters as Olive carries a torch for Popeye, Bluto is a mean-spirited blowhard, and Wimpy is fastidious about his hamburgers, but given how unlikely it is for young readers to know the finer details of these characters, it’s important to get everyone up to speed.

“This better not be that fan-fiction you write, Olive.”     “QUIET, Popeye! If it worked for Cassandra Clare, it can work for me!”
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