Month: July 2015

Cinema Dispatch: Self/less

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

SL0

Self/less and all the images you see in this review are owned by Focus Features and Gramercy Pictures

Directed by Tarsem Singh

When did we get to the point that great actors like Sir Ben Kingsley and Ryan Reynolds are EXPECTED to be in crap like this?  Sure, Ben Kingsley at least has been on a downward slope for a while now, but does anyone else remember that Ryan Reynolds was HUGE just a few years ago?  I guess this is what happens when you somehow wind up in three of the worst comic book movies at a time when they’ve never been better.  Now he’s in yet another body switching film, only this one might just be worse than his last one if you can believe it.  Just how bad is this movie about Ben Kingsley turning into a thirty something white dude?  Let’s find out!!

The movie is about Damien Hale (Ben Kingsley) who’s a billionaire architect or something and is nearing the end of his life.  He has pretty cancer which is known to affect people in movies and it tends to present itself with absolutely zero external symptoms other than a bad cough.  Being the rich dude that he is, he finds a way to cheat death in the form of a brand new super-duper secret medical procedure called “shedding” where you basically swap brains with someone else through magnets.  Sounds like a good deal, right?  WRONG!!  Apparently this super-duper secret company doing these super-duper secret medical procedures has some skeletons in its closet and Gandhi in Green Lantern’s body is going to kick some ass until he gets the answers he needs!

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ANY OF THIS!?!?”     “Why didn’t you check the FAQs page on the website!?  We put it up there for a reason!!”
“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ANY OF THIS!?!?”     “Why didn’t you check the FAQs page on the website!?  We put it up there for a reason!!”

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Super Recaps: My Little Pony season 5 (Amending Fences)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

We’re back with another episode of Politics is Magic!  Well not so much THIS time considering that Twilight almost started a war last week and a riot the week before, so she’s gonna take some time off from being one of Equestria’s highest ranking officials.  Just let the dust settle before she accidentally strains diplomatic relationships with the dragons or whatever.  Instead, Twilight is going to tackle some personal problems that she left hanging back in Canterlot and has resolved to fix now that she’s not fighting monsters or putting doubt in the monarchy at the moment.  Not a bad idea considering how much time Twilight spent in Canterlot before she moved to Ponyville at the begining of the series!  Will we get a fascinating look into her life before coming to Ponyville or will they drop the ball on yet another really interesting idea that was only half thought out?  I’m looking at YOU Lost Treasure of Griffonstone!  Anyway, Let’s find out!!

The episode begins with us learning that Spike continues to do domestic chores for Twilight despite them living in a GIANT CASTLE which would be impractical to maintain with a single person, let alone a still developing child.

“I sure hope those harsh chemicals don’t stunt my growth!”     “Me too Spike, but let that keep you from making those floors sparkle!”
“I sure hope those harsh chemicals don’t stunt my growth!”     “Me too Spike, but let that keep you from making those floors sparkle!”

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Super Recaps: Sailor Moon Crystal (Episode 25)

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 3 Comments

Welcome back to the show you all hate and will sorely miss when the season is over!  ADMIT IT!!  YOU ALL LOVE THIS SHOW!!  Anyway, we left the last episode on quite the cliffhanger with mere inches separating our heroes from total annihilation.  The show has been on quite a roll recently (that or I’ve acclimated to its sub-par standards) and with only two episodes left, I can only hope they pull out all the stops.  I mean, we’re STARTING the episode with the possible extinction of all of existence!!  I mean, it’s not like the dude’s going to SUCCEED, but it’s going to be interesting to see how they can pull themselves out of this mess!  Let’s get started!!

The episode begins with Prince Demande mere moments from destroying the universe by touching the two Legendary Silver Crystals together.  Naturally, everyone is freaking the fuck out and hoping they can develop super speed right now so they can stop him!

“NOOO!!!!!!!  I was gonna have a dream palace built on the graves of my former allies!!”
“NOOO!!!!!!!  I was gonna have a dream palace built on the graves of my former allies!!”

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Cinema Dispatch: Terminator Genisys

~ Matt Vetrano ~ 7 Comments

TG0

Terminator Genisys and all the images you see in this review are owned by Paramount Pictures

Directed by Alan Taylor

They BETTER not make another Back to the Future movie is all I’m saying.  Oh Hollywood.  Is there no pile of garbage you won’t slap a brand onto and sell it for matinee prices?  Do you even give a shit anymore, or am I just that naïve that I didn’t expect this to suck more than an industrial strength vacuum?  Another Terminator film is upon us dear readers and as hard as it is to believe, this is the worst one.  Now I haven’t seen Salivation since it was in theaters, but even THAT one managed to suck without pissing me off (at least as far as I recall).  This one though?  Oh you have NO IDEA what’s in store for you if you choose to spend your hard earned cash on this instead of more useful things like Taco Bell and lottery tickets.  If you HAVE seen it already, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Just remember that you’re not alone.  A lot of us witnessed this tragedy and we will all heal with time.  You know what might help though?  Sharing the pain with others.  Let’s get started.

Terminator Genisys (THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL THAT!!!) is basically the Back to the Future 2 of the Terminator films only the quality is more on the level of Beastmaster 2.  The movie starts by retconning Salvation where we see an alternate version of the future and the events that led to Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney who may remember from LAST year’s astoundingly terrible action film I, Frankenstein) going back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) as he did in the original.  When he goes back though, everything has changed from the first film.  Not only is there a T-1000 specifically hunting him, but Sarah Connor has already gone through the training she went through between Terminator 1 and 2, AND she’s also got a friendly Terminator that she calls Pops played by the lovable Austrian action star.  It turns out that in THIS version of events, a T-1000 went back in time and tried to kill her when she was a child.  It succeeded in killing her parents before getting destroyed by Arnie (I think) and she’s been living with him since then, training to become a warrior and the mother of the savior of humanity.  How any of this works in the timeline is one of the great mysteries of cinema along with the Three Men and a Baby Ghost and the Munchkin Suicide.

“So wait.  Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?”     “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.”     “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past?  Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”
“So wait.  Your future son sent his own father back in time to impregnate you?”     “That was the plan originally, but things have changed since then.”     “Hold on, how do plans change when THEY’RE in the future and YOU’RE in the past?  Shouldn’t they know what the plans are then?”

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